Hey, baby, what's your deadly sin?

i didn't, soz. I have actually went to a counselor today, for the first time in my life. I have learned that I am an exemplary perfectionist. She said it's normal for us perfectionists to get royally stuck when it comes to things like dissertation, or a book or such. I am forbidden to work on/ or think about my thesis this week. She gave me an official break from it. (I told her I had a break for the last three years, but she disagreed. She said it's always looming over my head anyway. Hence the official vacation from it). I'll be working with her, learning how to accept a 'good enough' writing process. Somesuch. I'm glad I went. It makes sense, when I look back at my life. I have to do everything 'all the way' or not at all. Must learn the middle way somehow. Not sure how, but then again, I only saw her once.

I can give you the complete rundown if you want. When it comes to your approach to work you remind me a LOT of E.G., and I've been through these wars several times over. (It's also not dissimilar from how I was in college, but my work-work broke me of that -- no time for perfection, with real and immediate effects if I didn't just ACT already and do the best I could in the time alotted.)

A complete break for a week sounds good.

so far it's not very successful. i've been thinking about the thesis every five minutes... but i decided to fully trust her and go along with the program. it gives me hope, since once you know the 'diagnosis', you can find approaches to tackle it. although, she did ask me what would happen if my thesis wasn't as good as i hoped for at the beginning. my first thought was 'i would surely die!'. i can't truthfully imagine it, as it's just not possible in my head. she said no wonder it's daunting...
oh well, she seems to have a lot of experience with people like me.

Dag - Why did you decide to go to the counselor?

umm, because i wasn't able to write a single word of the thesis for some two years now.

That'd do it!

yep. plus i'm always late, never start writing any assignment on time, procrastinate for days in a row often... she explained to me why perfectionists do it and we'll be working on it....somehow.

You mean it's not just human nature? Hmmm....

well, all people procrastinate to some extent. but i just pulled off two weeks of no work. None. Nada. Can you imagine it? That's 14 entirely wasted days. THAT is not normal

That's a good point.

...not to mention anxiety, nightmares, stress and the physical effects it has on me... i decided i just about had it with myself and decided to do something..... and here i am.

Yikes! It's funny, maybe I haven't known you long enough to realize that isn't your normal state. Or maybe it has been.

well, what's a normal state? maybe it is my normal state, but i don't want it to be.

Right. Every person I know who has done therapy of any sort has said they wish they'd done it sooner.

I've got the same sort of problem -- though am probably far less likely to ever approach perfection. Deadlines have always done it for me. Five hours to deadline, time to write ten pages on whatever.

At which point, of course, the ten pages are complete rubbish.

At any rate, I'm finding now that I don't have the leisure. Everything I do has a deadline of ten minutes ago, so I perform a mental triage of what needs to be done, get it done, and move on.

It's very liberating, but it's not the sort of discipline I could ever manufacture for myself. External imposition is the only way. (And so, I suppose, ceding control over such things to a counselor/therapist/whatever might be just the thing to get past that hurdle and develop new work habits.) Still, though, the things that I still have the power to procrastinate over get put off even worse than ever.

Damn it, I need an assistant for about 4 hours a week to do all the menial wheels that aren't quite loud enough to merit grease.

yes, i am alright at work where i have to get things done, too. but when it's something bigger, and i am the boss, and there is no deadline, that is truly a nightmare for me. i need structure, bosses, deadlines, etc. Otherwise I would either work on one thing ad nauseum, or on nothing at all.

And why did Jimmy Carter -- or anyone else -- say that he had lust in his heart? My lust is some distance from my heart.

That's right. He should have said: "I have lust in my heart... well, close to it anyway. Lower...lower, yep, there it is!"

Patiodog--

You need an old-fashioned helpmeet and wife.