~ KEEPERS OF THE FLAME ~

You'd be difficult to replace, Ma. That's why I keep you around.

A very nice thought, misti. Thanks for sharing it.

You'd be hard to replace, too, Sofia! Hope this finds you and yours smiling and well. :wink:

Thank you, Rae.

Anytime, ma'am. You're always in my thoughts.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Jeesh Rae, you're breakin' me auld Irish heart!

What would I do without you?

Sofia, you are beautiful! Is that your picture? < duh, who else would it be? >

Misti, your words could not be more timely. I've had a couple of cocktails so please please please forgive me if it doesn't ALL make sense but right now I'm going thru a thing of what to hold onto and who to toss. I was raised to be independent and self sufficient and able to make it on my own but now I'm trying to let people into my life, family in particular, and the big question is who to let in, who to keep at arms length, and who to take a chance on.
I just got back from my aunts' funeral. While there, I had the opportunity to make contact and converse with three 2nd cousins in particular, children of 1st cousins, my peers, and I don't know whether to truly open myself up to these young people or not. We're talking a West Point graduate and his sister, an ex-con who may or may not be trying to turn herself around, and their cousin, a track star at LSU with a keen interest in fashion, my first love, who has enough style and flair to take seriously. With someone behind her, guiding her, she just might be about something. How do I open my world, my home, my arms, to the brother without including his sister (who I really want no parts of) and do I take a chance on the track star, who I don't really know from Adam?
Misti wrote about things that make life important and family, I believe, is one of those things. Having that connection with your tribe is what makes the day-to-day, but being raised independent, it would be easy for me to live without that until I find myself, some years from now, old and lonely and alone. Quite frankly, I don't want to end up old and lonely and alone. I want the connection with my tribe like my Aunt May, who's funeral I attended. She was a bonified bitch-on-wheels. Legendary. Even her minister eulogized her "fiery spirit". But the church was packed, her husband and children, who she WORE OUT in life, were devastated by their loss, and we've all conceded that the world is just a tiny bit less lively without her presence. She will be missed.
I say all of this to say that the people in our lives help to make life important, I guess. And the legacy we leave behind defines our place. My question is, how do you open up your world, your arms, your home, to family when the risk is just so great for heartbreak, disappointment and loss? And maybe I'm just rambling...

eoe:

If that's just rambling, you ought to write a book!

You are very insightful and very wise, to say the least.

One of the nurses I work with recently lost her husband, he was 59 years old, she was devastated. They had planned on retiring in two years, and traveling the country.

Life isn't always fair. I've also heard "we make plans, God smiles" ... so true!

I think we have no choice as to who to let into our lives, especially when it comes to family. We have to toss our own preconceived notions to the wind and come to terms with what is our heritage, and accept it as is. We are who we are, and we are our relatives.

I think it's so ironic at times, for instance to speak to a distant cousin, and to see, really see, part of ourselves or our decendants in that person. You see and feel the connection.

The best way I can explain it is this. We watched a show tonight, Dateline, about 13 children who were adopted, and eventually found each other. Now, what is that? It gives me chills just thinking about it. They were separated, and years later found each other, is that not fate? What else could it be?

As far as allowing people into our lives is concerned, eoe, that's what life is all about! What else can teach us who and what we are? Life is not about being safe and secure, life is about accepting and loving, whether or not we agree.


You have no idea how your relationship with these relatives is to progress or how you will influence each others lives. You may be their saving grace, or they may be your saving grace.

I think you should open yourself up, without feeling vulnerable, and let the chips fall where they may.

I don't know how old you are, but I do know the older I get the more important family becomes. We are the leaves on the same tree, the petals on the same flower, the branches of our family tree.


I know one thing eoe, and that is I don't know what my legacy in life is, but I do know that my children are so much more than I would have believed I could produce, and so much more the decendancts of the people whom I have loved and lost, and I expect their children will be even more than that.

Go with it eoe, and don't question so much. Believe you have a place on this earth, and that your place cannot be filled by anyone but you!

Hugs, Jen

Thanks. misti/jen

eoe ~ please, really re-read what my wonderful mother has written.

Family.

You have no choice who your family is.

Best you can do is learn to know them, relate their experiences to your decisions (or not), more importantly though, is to accept them for who they are.

Family.

I have been blessed with a sister whom I love more than life. Over the years, my sister has taken on keeping in touch with the paternal side of the family, and I've taken on keeping in touch with the maternal side. I'm not very good at it, but I try.

But, we come together every so often and pass on family news. And also keep in touch with family that we're not consistent keeping in touch with.

One of my fondest memories happened at my sister's wedding. All of the cousins were brought together and we took many pictures. I distinctly remember my younger cousin, Kevin, telling me how much he looked forward to seeing my sister and I every other weekend. My Dad had weekend visitation with us ~ if we weren't out seeing some kind of historic site, we were at my Uncle John's house. (Kevin's Dad ~ my favourite uncle.....who died of lukemia.....because he was too proud to admit he was sick, he waited too long to seek treatment ~ I love him to pieces, but still get angry with him for not fighting harder to stay with us.)

Sorry.....I got sidetracked.


eoe ~ embrace your extended family. As my Dad is always fond of saying to my sister and I, 'you're all each other has'.

That's why I'm pondering it all now. I've lived too many years being on my own, keeping my distance, not wanting to get too close because I was hearing things about the family that was messy and troubling, the kind of things that you just don't want to let into your life. Since marrying a man who is very close to his family, warts and all, he's made me see the preciousness of it all, along with the pain, and now I find myself torn with my own family, wanting to embrace them but being leery of what that opens me up to. We have users and takers, thieves and liars, like all families, I'm sure. It's always been my practice to keep these kinds of people as far from me as possible. How do you embrace these types, because they are family, without opening yourself up to God knows what?

You open yourself up because they are family. There is no rule that you have to like them or trust them.

After all the years that have gone by, I don't know my cousins anymore, but I still love them.

The common denominator between all of us is our paternal grandparents. Those two deserve awards for keeping our family in tact. They were also good people ~ at least in the time that I was able to spend with them. Not long enough.

They are the reason that the Mahoney family still sticks together......even loosely.

Family, eoe. You can't choose the members of your family. Love of family is a sacred thing. Even in a dysfuntional family.

But why is it a sacred thing, Rae? Just because we share a bloodline?

Jen, as usual, you wrote something beautiful and meaningful. You and Rae are two of the most loving women I've ever known.
Eoe, my mother's family was very competitive and sort of prickly--defensive and jealous of each other. Whenever I visited, I was never sure who she was mad at this time. I dreaded the visits as I loved most of my aunts and uncles and would have liked to know my cousins better. My family lived in another state and I only got to visit once a year.
Sadly, after my mother died, I was able to finally get to know all the the family much better and, for the first time, enjoy them with no worry about who was fighting with whom.
The most wonderful result of this is that two of my cousins are now like sisters to me.
I'm not sure about the sacredness of family; there are some family members who I would not ever want to see, such as an abusive father. That said, when you have a good relationship with a family member, there is nothing like it in the world. There is a strange tie, maybe genetic, or perhaps a common history. Whatever it is, it can be something that will bring you comfort and love that will enrich your life.
Even if you make contact and find that you really want nothing to do with these people, you only have to back off. They will get the idea. By opening yourself up to them, you might find a relationship that brings you a feeling of timeless connection that you wouldn't have experienced without taking the risk of opening your heart and your life.
I hope it works for you. Good luck.

Jen and Rae, I miss you sooooo much.

eoe ~ I consider my family relationships sacred. I just do.

Even though I don't like to think about friends coming and going ~ it happens. Your family is always there. They share the same history as you. It's what binds you together.

Diane ~ I miss you more than you'll ever know.

Diane, my precious lady!

You have such a beautiful way with words, and I hope eoe listens to what you wrote, because there is such a lot of wisdom in your words.

I so agree with you that even in our own families there's people we don't want to see again, and that's fine, we live in different states anyway.

I was ticked recently when I found out my first cousin from Ct. was here, in Melbourne, a half hour away from me, and never called me! I didn't really get excited at the notion of meeting up with her anyway because she's a hypochondriac and all she talks about are her ailments, so that I can do without, but it was just the idea that she said she was going to call me and come see me, and didn't.

So now I know where I stand and won't go out of my way for her again.

eoe, we teach people every day how to treat us, and vice versa. So I hope you decide to open up your life to your relatives, like Diane said, take a chance on meeting some people you will wonder how you lived without, and there will be some that you won't want to foster a relationship with, so be it. But take the chance! You'll be glad you did.

Diane, we miss you so much also, and can't wait for our next reunion. But hey, if you're in the neighborhood, give us a shout, we'd LOVE to see you!

I so wanted to go to the Alb. NM reunion, but the timing wasn't right.

Hugs to yah!