Exclusive with Tom Brady's swimmers

Exclusive with Tom Brady's swimmers
By DJ Gallo


A Brazilian Web site -- Glamurama.com.br -- is reporting that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has impregnated girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. Brady has not commented on the story and Bundchen's camp has issued a denial, but based on the star quarterback's recent track record (former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan is currently pregnant with Brady's child), it could very well be true.

Clearly all the facts have yet to come out. More information is needed.
Gisele Bundchen
Only the brave and the few can handle someone like Gisele.
Who could shed light on the mystery? Tom Brady's swimmers.

DJ Gallo was granted an interview with those closest to the story at a private location. Here is their conversation.

First off, gentleman -- congratulations. Well done.

Swimmer No. 1,235,614: Thank you. Tom often gets the most credit for our success, but it's a true team effort. Only one of us gets to be the MVP -- Most Valuable Pollinator in our lingo -- but everyone shares in the success.

Tell me how you found out.

Swimmer No. 64,576: Well, we've had a lot of our friends leaving here lately, and when they leave you never hear from them again. That's our fate and we're fine with it. But we're confident in our abilities and have a track record of success, as witnessed with Bridget Moynahan. So we were sure we'd eventually break through with Ms. Bundchen. And the other night we heard Tom's cell phone ring, heard him say, "Hi, Gisele," and then yell: "Oh, God, no! Not again!" We knew what that meant, so we all slapped tails and started celebrating.

Do you have any idea which one of you sealed the deal?

Swimmer No. 2,014: No. There's no way to know. But we have our suspicions.

Swimmer No. 77,064: Yeah, a lot of us think it was Jerry. He had three tails and could swim like crazy. We're pretty sure he got there first.

So your current assignment is Gisele Bundchen. That must be exciting.

Swimmer No. 483,211: Yeah, we know what a primo gig it is, but we have a job to do and we just have to keep our head down and go about our business. I know when I'm called upon I won't be thinking about where I am, I'll just be thinking, "Swim, swim, swim!"

Isn't it disappointing for you to know, though, that when you are called into action it will all be for naught, since Gisele reportedly is already pregnant?

Swimmer No. 43,894: Sure. Most of us are strictly in this for procreation. I'm just hoping that now that Gisele is pregnant, Tom will move on to someone new and I'll have a chance to score there.

If he does find a new girlfriend, who do you think it will be?

Swimmer No. 111,994: Who knows? He could have anyone he wants. I'm sure it will be someone very skinny, though.

Speaking of which, I know the turnover is quite rapid in here, but which one of you have been around the longest?

Swimmer No. 14: That would be me, unfortunately. It seems like every time I'm at the top of the list something goes wrong and he doesn't need me.

Like what?

Swimmer No. 14: For instance, he'll think about Deion Branch leaving the Patriots or Peyton Manning winning a Super Bowl -- you know, distasteful stuff to occupy his mind and slow things down a bit -- but that usually gets him completely out of the mood. And there I am, all excited -- tail a'waving -- with nowhere to go.
Bridget Moynahan
It was a good run Bridget, but Brady and Co. had to move on.
Page 2: So based on your owner's recent track record, would it be accurate to say that he doesn't use any sort of method to control you?

Swimmer No. 326,019: Yes. That would be accurate. Tom knows who he is. The guy is a freaking dreamboat. I mean, he looks in the mirror every day -- he knows that better than anyone. And he knows that the world is a better place with his seed spread as far and wide as possible.

Page 2: I know this is a happy time for you guys, but are you worried that any of this will sully Tom's reputation and hurt his future political career?

Swimmer No. 1,344,599: Not really our concern. Like we've all been saying, we have a job and we've been doing it. Quite well. And I doubt any of this will hurt Tom's political career. If anything, he's breeding quite a large block of voters.

Page 2: OK, just one last question. I know you guys have a busy schedule.

Swimmer No. 1,014,078: Sounds good. Gisele just showed up and I think we're going to have to go to work.

Page 2: Is it true that when … hey -- where are you going?

Swimmer No. 75,994: Looks like we're needed. Tom just turned out the lights.

Page 2: Wow. You guys left quick. Well, best of luck and Godspeed. It was my pleasure. I can't wait to brag to my media brethren about meeting you.

ESPN