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Tue 12 Nov, 2002 05:10 pm
Continuing the current trend of mergers and aquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having 12 days of Christmas, and 8 days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we are told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with the lords-a-leaping and the maids-a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreememt, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to, "A Great Miracle Happened Here", the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous Stuff Happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared to be happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc. declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.
Fortunately, for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
Mr Y Arafat, when asked about the proposed merger between Christmas and Chanukah was suitably outraged. He referred to this holy merger as an insult to Islam and maintained that Islam was always alluded to as the "Johnny Come Lately of World Religions". His counter proposal that all three religions should combine and celebrate the Birth of Christ - or the Prophet Jesus, however you want to look at it - during Ramadan. The Free Presbyterian Sect of Ulster vociferously endorsed this, but the Catholics said "NO" as it would cost the Licensed Victuallers too much in trade.
The Buddhists too, were scathing on the propsed merger on the grounds that animals were being killed to satisify the blood lust of so-called Christians and Pre-Christians. The Hindus refused to talk Turkey and Greece said that the oven cleaning chore was getting more onerous every year.
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