HELP! I'M PLAIN STUPID! - MARVELLOUS!

12.
Operator: number enquiries
Caller: Yeah, this is Bubba. We was in this town near the border the other day an there was this jeweller's store there an it was closed. Can you give me their number?

13.
Operator: Teenage counselling service
Caller. Hi, ehm, I wanted to ask something about, you know,... my boyfriend had sex with me in the kitchen.
Operator: Was it against your will?
Caller: No, against the kitchen cupboard.

14.

CALLER: I can't find my little pictures (icons).

TECHNICAL SUPPORT: What pictures?

CALLER: One is 'my computer,' another is like 'network neighbour'.

TECHNICAL SUPPORT: Do you have any windows open?

CALLER: Yes.

TECHNICAL SUPPORT: OK, we need to close those windows.

CALLER: Oh, OK.(Everything is quiet for a few moments.)

TECHNICAL SUPPORT: Are you there?

CALLER: (After a few more moments) OK. I had to walk around the room and close all the windows ... I still can't see my little pictures.


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15.

CALLER: The coffee cup holder on my computer is broken. Can I get a replacement please?

HELP DESK: I'm not sure what you mean. Where exactly is this coffee cup holder?

CALLER: Well there's a button on the front of my computer and when I press it a drink caddy pops out. You know, it's just like the ones they put in cars.

HELP DESK: Sir, I think you'll find that's the CD slot.

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16.


CALLER: I would like to borrow £2,000.

BANK OPERATOR: Certainly, sir. Over how long?

CALLER: Three years, please.

BANK OPERATOR: That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?

CALLER: No, not at all. I want it all at once.



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17.

CALLER TO ROOM SERVICE: On what days is your Sunday brunch available?

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18.

CALLER: I bought a phone last week, and I didn't receive the car charger for the lighter until today. I'm trying to use it, and it's not working. How do you use it?

OPERATOR: First, you remove the lighter and then you plug it into the adaptor.

CALLER: But I don't have a car.

OPERATOR: Why do you need the car charger?

CALLER: To light my cigarettes.


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19.

TEENAGE CALLER: I wonder if you could help me.

HELP DESK: What's the problem?

CALLER: My dad bought me a computer last week, and I was taking out a CD when the phone rang. I was also eating pizza. With the CD drawer open, I set the pizza on it to pick up the phone.

HELP DESK: What happened then?

CALLER: Well, the CD drawer took the part of the pizza inside the computer. Now I can't get the drawer open. It's a really big mess. Can you help?

HELP DESK: This is bad, very bad.

CALLER: Well I'm hungry. Can you help me get the pizza out?

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20.

HELP DESK: How may I help you?

CALLER: I have spent all week trying to rewind my DVD. How do you rewind it?

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21.

A help desk took a call from a client having trouble with his 'print screen' feature. After lots of discussion, a technician was dispatched...


CLIENT: My 'print screen' feature doesn't work.

TECHNICIAN: I've tested it, and it seems to be working fine.

CLIENT: Oh, let me try it again. Client presses a blank sheet of paper against the monitor screen and then pushes 'print screen' key. Technician starts laughing.

CLIENT: What's wrong?

TECHNICIAN: I'm sorry, but when you push the 'print screen' key, the document comes out of your printer . . .

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22.


And if you think you're in the darkwhen it comes to computers...



OPERATOR: Computer assistance; may I help you?

CALLER: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my word-processing package.

OPERATOR: What sort of trouble?

CALLER: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

OPERATOR: Went away?

CALLER: They disappeared.

OPERATOR: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

CALLER: Nothing.

OPERATOR: Nothing?

CALLER: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

OPERATOR: Are you still in the system, or did you get out?

CALLER: How do I tell?

OPERATOR: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

CALLER: What's a 'sea-prompt'?

OPERATOR: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?

CALLER: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

OPERATOR: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

CALLER: What's a monitor?

OPERATOR: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

CALLER: I don't know.

OPERATOR: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

CALLER: Yes, I think so.

OPERATOR: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

CALLER: Yes, it is.

OPERATOR: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

CALLER: No.

OPERATOR: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

CALLER: OK, here it is.

OPERATOR: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

CALLER: I can't reach.

OPERATOR: OK. Well, can you see if it is?

CALLER: No.

OPERATOR: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

CALLER: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.

OPERATOR: Dark?

CALLER: Yes - the light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

OPERATOR: Well, turn on the light then.

CALLER: I can't.

OPERATOR: No? Why not?

CALLER: Because there's a power failure.

OPERATOR: A power ... a power failure? Aha, OK, we've got it sorted now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

CALLER: Well, yes, I keep them in the cupboard.

OPERATOR: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the shop you bought it from.

CALLER: Really? Is it that bad?

OPERATOR: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

CALLER: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

OPERATOR: Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer.

That last one is hilarious . . . and, unfortunately, it is also an urban legend according to Snopes

At the bottom of the page is the "real" story--as well as links to other computer user tales.

They're probably just trying to fill the papers over the Christmas period, Set.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=424960&in_page_id=1770

I always wonder how many journalists just sit around and make up this stuff.