HE SURVIVED!!!
I can hardly believe it! After being speared through the chest and tossed heavenward by the Zthatzne Flinging Tower, Joe didn't die!
It's a miracle!!!
Like me, you may have been wondering what all this was about. Moral dilemma be dam*ed. There had to be more to it than that. Right? I mean, we know Joe. Great imagination and all that, but he's hardly the self-sacrificial type.
It has taken me a few weeks, a couple thousand dollars and the services of a team of private investigators, but I have finally found the answer to this mystery.
It was all an elaborate plan.
As most of you know, Joe is an avid runner. He has been competing in a series of increasingly challenging races. All he's been talking about for the last few months is running. (I know, it's been a little boring, hasn't it?....yawn...)
Turns out, Joe's gotten a little too deep into this stuff. He's been binging on coffee drinks, staying awake at night trying to think up foolproof strategies to win the next race. This time, he went a little overboard.
He was fixated on the Staten Island Half-Marathon. Weeks of training, gallons of sweat, but it was obvious he'd need to do a lot more to win this one. Once he saw the Zthatzne's Flinging Tower, it gave him an idea. If that thing were pointed in juuuuust the right direction, it could...maybe, just possibly...fling him as far as New York City.
The morning of his "execution," Joe dressed in his best running clothes, pinned on his race number and attached the chip to his left shoe. If his timing was just right....
SPROING!!!!
Joe sped through the stratosphere like a Zozyeoni-Woohoo bird on Red Bull. When he came down, he was just ahead of the pack rounding the last bend before the finish line. He literally hit the ground running...
The pain from the spear that had been thrust through his chest was almost unbearable, but he only had a kilometer to go...
HE WON!!!!!
Congratulations, Joe!
Now please, go home and rest.