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Supposedly, these are actual newspaper ads...

 
 
Mame
 
Reply Tue 16 May, 2006 04:05 pm
they were sent to me, so I don't know where they came from, but...

a.. FREE Yorkshire Terrier: 8 yrs. old. Hateful little bitch. Bites.
a.. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spanial - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog.
a.. FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd - Part Stupid Dog.
a.. FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
a.. FOUND: Dirty White Dog. Looks like a Rat....been out awhile. Better be a Reward for this NASTY little thing.
a.. COWS, CALVES: Never Bred....Also, 1 Gay Bull For Sale.
a.. NORDIC TRACK: $300 - Hardly used, call Chubby.
a.. GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.
a.. JOINING NUDIST COLONY!: Must sell Washer & Dryer $300.
a.. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn ONCE by mistake. Call Stephanie - $300.


And the BEST one.....

FOR SALE /BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or Best Offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 1,328 • Replies: 32
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sakhi
 
  1  
Reply Tue 16 May, 2006 11:57 pm
Saw this in my office cafeteria's bulletin board:

WANTED

Female room mate to share

Contact: XYZ

Smile
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 06:17 am
Don't know if these are true, but.........................

Quote:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 11:32 am
I love reading bad English Smile Here are some more ...



Strange Whining, grinding, and belching smoke, the CEO watched helplessly as the photocopier shredded her report.

While still being held by the UPS driver, Natasha could see the package was for her.

Do not sit in the chair without being fully assembled.

Please take time to look over the marketing report that is enclosed with your colleagues.

The manager read from the marketing report wearing glasses.

I heard that my roommate intended to throw a surprise party for me while I was outside her bedroom window.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 12:25 pm
Ha! Very funny!

Check out these wedding announcements: http://www.heavy.com/viral/married/
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 12:57 pm
lol... here are my faves Smile

Wacker-Dailey
King-Woody
Wendt-Adaway

ha ha
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 01:01 pm
Here are some more -
FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. Hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 01:03 pm
And more
In A Nairobi Restaurant: Customers Who Find Our Waitresses Rude Ought To See The Manager.


On The grounds Of A Private School: No Trespassing Without Permission


On An Athi River Highway: Take Notice: When this Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable


On a poster At Kencom: Are You An Adult That Cannot Read? If So, We Can help


In A City Restaurant: Open Seven Days a Week And Weekends


A Sign Seen On An Automatic Restroom hand Dryer: Do Not Activate With Wet Hands


In a Cemetery: Persons Are Prohibited From Picking Flowers From Any But Their Own Graves.


Tokyo Hotel's Rules And Regulations: Guests Are Requested Not To Smoke Or Do Other Disgusting Behaviours In Bed
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 01:06 pm
And more...
Spotted In A Toilet In A London Office Block: Toilet Out Of Order. Please Use Floor Below.


Spotted In A Safari Park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.


Seen During A Conference: For Anyone Who Has Children And Doesn't Know It, There Is A Creche On The First Floor.


Sign Warning Of Quicksand: Quicksand ! Any Person Passing This Point Will Be Drowned. By Order Of The District Council.


Outside A Farm: Horse Manure - 50c - per Pre-Packed Bag / 20c - Do-It-Yourself.


Sign In A Launderette Automatic Washing Machines: Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out.


Sign in an Irish office: After morning coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.


Sign in another office: Would the person who took the step ladder without premission yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.


Sign in a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 03:26 pm
Mame- Please don't do this any more. I can't stop laughing hysterically, and my husband is yelling because he is trying to do his bookkeeping, and my guffawing is distracting him. Seriously though, your posts are a hoot! Thanks for the belly laugh! Laughing
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 03:56 pm
Glad you're enjoying them, Phoe ... a little levity makes the work day go faster Smile
0 Replies
 
squinney
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 04:23 pm
Bear and I were in a small town in NC this morning. Across from the courthouse was a glass front business with a sign identifying it as ... Quick Escape Bail Bonds.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 11:44 pm
That's good Smile
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 May, 2006 11:45 pm
That's good Smile
0 Replies
 
Lord Ellpus
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 May, 2006 12:11 am
We sat at a beachside cafe on Crete once, and perused the menu.


Fish Soup............................ 4 euros.

Fish Soup with Fish............... 6 Euros.
0 Replies
 
Lady J
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 May, 2006 01:09 am
A few years back this was a true sign I read every day on my commute to work:
GRAND OPENING
Such and Such Veterinary Clinic
RABIES-$5.00

Oh yeah, I was rushing right out to get mine!

Thank you all for the good chuckles! Laughing
0 Replies
 
xingu
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 May, 2006 07:58 am
Saw this sign in a window in a small West Virginia town;

Free Pap test.
Women only.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 May, 2006 08:38 am
How about these headlines?
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

William Kelly was fed secretary

Iraqi head seeks arms

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Child's stool great for use in garden

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

Organ festival ends in smashing climax
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 May, 2006 08:39 am
Or these?
Eye drops off shelf

Squad helps dog bite victim

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Miners refuse to work after death

Two Soviet ships collide - one dies

Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter


Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

Never withhold herpes from loved one

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 May, 2006 08:40 am
And then there are these...
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

War dims hope for peace

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Man is fatally slain

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
0 Replies
 
 

 
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