3
   

Supposedly, these are actual newspaper ads...

 
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 May, 2006 08:44 am
Funny Courtroom Mistakes Based on Actual Court Room Transcripts of Trials.


Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?
*
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
*
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
*
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
*
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
*
I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

That's me.

Were you present when that picture was taken?
*
So you were gone until you returned?
*
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
*
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
*
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
*
Were you alone or by yourself?
*
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
*
Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
*
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?

No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
*
How long have you been a French Canadian?
*
Are you married?

No, I'm divorced.

And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A lot of things I didn't know about.
*
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 May, 2006 11:53 am
These are not exactly newspaper ads , but on a street here in south Austin, 2 creative signs make me chuckle every time I drive by.

One is from a small local garage that works on foreign cars.

Auto mechanics and
service to
Sware by and
Not at



Another is a small home based flooring business

Personalized tile, slate, and
wooden floors for you
to fall on.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Jun, 2021 03:53 pm
I forgot about this stuff - some of it's pretty funny
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Jun, 2021 04:01 pm
I read through more than half of it just now. Here is one that caught my fancy.

On An Athi River Highway: Take Notice: When this Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Jun, 2021 04:26 pm
@edgarblythe,
I liked a lot, but thought this one funny:

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sat 12 Jun, 2021 11:23 pm
@Mame,
Fifteen years ago, I thought that your stuff was hilarious. C0ming upon this today, it still gives me a belly laugh. Thanks!
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Jun, 2021 08:25 am
@Phoenix32890,
Thanks! Nice to see you, Phoenix. Hopefully you didn't annoy your husband this time...
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Sat 19 Jun, 2021 01:24 pm
Here are some from this year:

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Senior center holds old bag sale

Woman falls in hospital told to call ambulance

Missippi's literacy program shows improvement

Breaking oxygen linked to staying alive

Death is nation's top killer

Man shot by Florida felon taken to Walmart instead of Hospital

You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth

Cop makes arrest in bathroom after smelling crack

China may be using sea to hide its submarines

Illinois executive to enter witness protection program (name and photo published)

Kayaking is hard when the water is frozen

Brazilian pastor arrested for convincing followers his penis contained HOLY MILK!

Fish on drugs more likely to drop out of schools, study says

Females likelier to test for women's diseases

Museums full of history

Illiteracy an obstable, study finds

How to make communicate more effectively

People think aliens must be more smarter than us

Students get first hand job experience

Newest residents are from elsewhere

Quintuplets born 15 months early

Winter is the only time to go ice fishing

Body odor can be controlled by bathing

7-day diarrhea runs through Bay County

Fish need water, Feds say

Highway 4 bypass overpass bypassed

Overweight kids may not be eating enough, study says

Cash is the key to ending financial woes

Gov. says new Bay Bridge won't open until it's ready

Madonna reads her 2nd book

Muddy Creek problem: It's too muddy

Florida couple arrested for selling tickets to heaven

Free mammograms at Chevron station

Dam Road Sign Keeps Disappearing

Health Officials: Pools, Diarrhea Not Good Mix

Man in boxers leads police on brief chase

Miracle cure kills fifth patient

Rally against apathy draws small crowd

Rooms with broken air conditioners are hot

Bridges help people cross rivers

Man tries armed robbery with knife in gun store

Body in duffel bag: May be homicide

Ex-Minister Breaks Silence, Says Nothing

Northfield plans to plan strategic plan

Jail time can hinder job hunt

Strong wind blows Fiddler off the roof

Man competent enough to be declared insane

Masturbator yanked from library

Was bank robber a he or she? Breasts might be a clue.

New Owl Creek School chooses mascot: It's an owl.

Steer runs away from packing plant, enters steak house

Drunk driver claims dog was driving

Drinking snail mucus makes people sick

Seniors to tour morgue, eat ribs

Psychics predict world didn't end yesterday

"We hate math", say 4 in 10 - a majority of Americans

Bridge closure date: Thursday or October

Library vote upholds decision to OK guns, but ban wooden shoes

Starvation can lead to health hazards

Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum

Baffert reluctantly puts out of Juvenile

Sewage spill kills fish, but water safe to drink

Headless body in topless bar

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Deputy: Strip search finds crack between buttocks

USA wins 1-1 - Greatest tie against the British since Bunker Hill

Cow struck, killed by milk truck

99% of 11-year olds don't smoke

Woman missing since she got lost

Mimes banned for abusive language



edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jun, 2021 02:33 pm
@Mame,
They all are gems.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jun, 2021 02:45 pm
@Mame,
Outstanding.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Jun, 2021 02:18 pm
@roger,
Cool

Here are some church announcements:

Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the pastor in his study.

The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoons.

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

Real C&W Song Titles:

If you see me getting smaller, it's cause I'm leavin' you

If heartaches were wine (I'd be drunk all the time)

If you can't feel it (it ain't there)

Get your tongue outta my mouth 'cause I'm kissing you goodbye

I don't know whether to kill myself or go bowling

If fingerprints wooed up on skin, wonder whose I'd find on you

I've been flushed from the bathroom of your heart

He's been drunk since his wife's gone punk

I'll marry you tomorrow but let's honeymoon tonight

You stuck my heart in an old tin can and shot it off a log

It ain't love, but it ain't bad

Mama get the hammer (there's a fly on papa's head)

You're the reason our kids are so ugly
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Jun, 2021 05:22 pm
Another song title:
"It's hard to kiss the lips at night
That chew your ass out all day long"
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Jun, 2021 06:16 pm
@edgarblythe,
Shocked

true enough - crazy, eh?
0 Replies
 
 

 
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