Good to know JL. I didn't really want to bother him but I was getting worried.
<Sends gentle hugs and sits silently beside Anon>
Just FYI - Anon's got a lotta things to see to and take care of. He and I have plans to get together in a few weeks, when he brings JayBea's ashes back to her roots country, which ain't far from Timberland.
That's a relief, JLN. I was very concerned at the sudden lack of communication.
Hello, Byron, if you're reading this.
I'm glad you're there, timber.
Byron, you know we're thinking about you and JayBea.
When you're ready - come back and tell us some stories of your early days together.
I'm glad, timber.
I emailed him at one of the addresses I have for him. No response. If he were to respond, then I am sure that he would respond here, so that the greatest number of people could "hear" him.
I can't imagine what he is feeling and experiencing. They were so close.
We just have to give him some slack, no matter our fears. He's experiencing one of the awesome moments in life, indeed, an existential blow that could seem to express God's hatred of man. (this comes from a famous poem in Spanish).
Can you post or link the poem, JL? I don't recognize the line, but I certainly recognize the feeling.
It's by the Peruvian poet, Cesar Vallejo:
Los Heraldos Negros.
Hay golpes en la vida, tan fuertes... Yo no se!
Golpes como del odio de Dios; como si ante ellos,
la resaca de todo lo sufrido
se empozara en el alma... Yo no se!
Son pocos, pero son... Abren zanjas oscuras
en el rostro mas fiero y en el lomo mas fuerte.
Seran tal vez los potros de barbaros atilas;
o los heraldos negros que nos manda la Muerte.
Son las caidas hondas de los Cristos del alma,
de alguna fe adorable que el Destino blasfema.
Esos golpes sangrientos son las crepitaciones
de algun pan que en la puerta del horno se nos quema.
Y el hombre... Pobre... pobre! Vuelve los ojos, como
cuando por sobre el hombro nos llama una palmada;
vuelve los ojos locos, y todo lo vivido
se empoza, como un charco de culpa, en la mirada.
Hay golpes en la vida, tan fuertes... Yo no se!
What artistic power. It shows how great art need not be "pretty."
Anon,
I'm just checking in too, to see how you're doing. Take your time, Anon. Just post whenever you're ready to.
I'm sure this first month without your dear wife must seem surreal. It's difficult for us to wrap our brains around something that is infinite -- or finite. We're only human, after all.
When we lose a loved one, our concious brain knows they won't be coming back. But there is still part of our brain that expects to see them walking in the door, or hear the sound of their voice.
It's very difficult to accept that we won't be able to talk with them anymore or share things with them.
But eventually, you'll be able to enjoy your memories of Jaybee. They'll make you smile and make you happy instead of making you sad. It just takes time, Anon. This is a big adjustment for you, and you just have to give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself a break.
Take it one day at a time for now and try to do the best you can. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just do what you can, and give yourself credit.
It sounds like you and Jaybee and a strong, deep and beautiful relationship. You must have been a good husband! She must have been a special lady!
Anon, I don't know if this helps, but I believe that one day you and Jaybee will be together again. I think she's with you now, just not in the same way.
In the meantime, you'll always have her in your heart and your mind.
Hang in there, dear Anon. It will get better.
Anon ........ There's not a lot about me as a person that is so different than anyone else. So I can tell you that my heart aches for you. That I can cry for you. That I wish you were not in so much pain.
When I lost my child, my pain was so great that I swear I couldn't breathe. I don't remember much about those days, except for the pain. I can see how people become suicidle. Life was a chore. And I was growing weary and becoming very tired. Life was but a game that I didn't want to play anymore.
On one particular day, inside my house, I caught a strong odor of baby powder. I stopped in my tracks and felt like I was breathing in her essence. Then I just fell to my knees and cried as hard as I have ever cried in my life. I truely think I must have wept for hours.
A turning point for me, that was. Suddenly, even though my ache was still very much a part of my daily life ..... I felt the need to live again. You would have thought at that point I could have done that fairly easily. After all - I found the will.
Anon ....... it was incredibly hard to "come back". I would have days where I felt strong and then for no apparent reason I would have days that snuck up on me. I would get out of bed with a heavy heart that would hang with me for days. I would have to keep reminding myself that I wanted to live and be out of the chains that bound me. That snuffed my life out of me.
Truthfully .... I think I felt guilty for trying to move on. Like I was not acknowledging my love for her.
There were times that I felt like it was all useless. Like I was stuck in this pain that would keep me in it's grip for the rest of my life. It was these times that It would have been so easy to give up. At this point I was fighting my hurt and my pain. I kept telling myself that I had to stop it. I had to let go. I had to move on. It was not ok to cry at this point. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me? Why was I such a weakling. I knew other women that had lost children. They did so much better at healing than I did. (Or so I thought.)
And then I got smart. I stopped fighting the pain. I allowed it to be a part of me. I accepted it and I realized that my tears were not born of weakness. It was ok to cry. And I allowed myself whatever time I needed to heal and I stopped putting a time frame on it. On my bad days I would keep my life going forward. People at work would have to grow accustomed to these days. I could be working away ......and a flood of tears washing my face as I worked. It was so self defeating for me to try and hold the tears in.
I healed. But it's still just as ok to cry today as it was then. Mothers Day is not an easy day for me. While I smile with joy for all the Mothers that will feel the gentle arms of their child ..... I will not feel mine. I've already spent some time with my tears today. All I know is that tomorrow is a new day and I will go see my Mother and I will wrap my arms around her, as she will wrap her arms around me .... each set of arms with it's own meaning. And the day will be good .... no matter what.
Anon ..... with sincere caring from my heart to yours, please know that you are loved and cared about. Keep the strength within you that you may not even know you possess. For someday it will be a very strong, much needed rock for you.
Grieve as much as you need to, my friend. Just know that you aren't doing it alone, for there is much caring within this thread from some of A2K's loving hearts.
And if you ever need to just talk ........ let me know.
(((((Anon)))))
Thinking of you today, Byron.
Something about the smell of lilacs in the rain is very evocative each spring. Makes me think about friends and changes.
Has anyone spoken to him in the last couple of weeks?
