Now What Did You Buy??

The thing that struck me most was the fact that he is starting a business. Based on personal observation and experience I believe only the most money conscious people tend to be good at running a business. You have to know where every penny goes and be able to determine the best way to divide up capital. Impulsive people make bad business owners.

Other than that - I suggest the two of you sit down and do a serious budget. Know how much you can spend each week (even day) and how much you need to put away for the must have household items. If he can't control himself he needs to turn the finances over to you and you give him an allowance. Some people just don't handle money well.

let all us women with spendthrift husbands join hands.....

Green Witch - we did do all that and I am (supposedly) in charge of the finances. Believe me we would be in tons more financial issues if I didn't put a stop to things as I have. The problem is he doesn't follow the rules - and I did not set the rules, we agreed on them together.

Whenever this happens - he starts going on spending sprees, I become the bad guy and tell him to stop. I have almost come to the point of threatening to leave him. I pretty much say I cannot live like this. Then he will abide by the rules for a good length of time and then start spending again.

One time he came home with a new TV (almost exactly like the one we already have). His reasoning - it was flatter in the front and therefore fit better in the cabinet. He took one look at my face and put it back in the box and was returned the same day.

You can't change people that do not want to change. Would he be willing to turn over his credit cards, debit card, and check book to you and just carry the cash you give him? It would force him to pay attention to real money and it would remove the power of easy purchase.

Green Witch - I have thought about that. I just cannot bring myself to do something like that to an adult. It seems so demeaning to me.

The thing is he ends up agreeing with me when I discuss these things. He admits he horrible with money and then he is a good boy and after 6 months it returns again.

Would it be really bad if I force him to return (whether I agree with the purchase after or not) anything he buys greater than $100? I hate being the police and bad guy all the time. But if I didn't we would be in financial ruin right now.

As a matter of fact, I bailed him out before we were married. He had accumulated so much credit card debt, I took out a second mortgage to pay them off.

God I hate having to be the bad guy with someone I love....I know what you mean.

GW's solution sounds practical...I'm thinking since he knows he has a problem...he might be good with that. I know you would feel like it's demeaning, but if he's willing.....

With my husband, it's more like, if he finds a good price on something, and we could use one or two.....he'll buy 10 or 20. Or he'll go buy something for $10.00 that I would have just found something around the house to make do.....

Does he spend the money because it's something to do, or that shoppers rush, or what?

Linkat--

The bottom line isn't "demeaning". The bottom line is "solvent" even "comfortable.

Counseling might be in order here. He's been the Last of the Big Time Spenders as long as you've known him--and being married to you hasn't changed him.

What is missing in his personality that he's trying to balance out by spending money conspicuously?

Would that I could wave a magic wand and he'd sneak off to the bank once or twice a week to buy savings bonds--but this wouldn't be conspicuous.

Good luck.

Certainly return the coffee maker. It's useless and will only take up space (it's a Senseo, right? Those things look seductive until you look at the price -- if you look at the price). As for other items, anything that can't be returned can be auctioned off on eBay, regifted if in good shape, given to a friend or family member who could use it, or given to charity for a tax deduction. I wouldn't put him in charge of eBay, BTW. I think that goes without saying.

Clearly there are major spending issues and these are ongoing. Yep, counseling, or Debtors Anonymous. The only reason he's able to spend and splurge (and open his own business -- yikes!) is because your responsibility is, essentially, enabling him. Hate to say it, and please don't think I'm blaming you, but this smells an awful lot like an addiction and I think you might want to start thinking about it and treating it as such.

I think it is as much for something to do. When he is busy - this doesn't seem to happen. I did speak with him of course last night and he said he didn't realize the coffee maker would be such a big deal. He has agreed again. I think he felt bad when I mentioned I feel I can't trust him. Just the look on his face. He realizes his problem and relies on me to keep him in line. It is just I have to always put my foot down when he starts his buying ways - he stops when I do, I just hate being the heavy.

As far as what is "missing", I have thought about that. I think in part it may be his upbringing. He came from a divorced family where for quite a while his mom had issues. They also split the kids between parents. I think he had to go without quite a bit and it seems some of his siblings have issues with money too. Also, he has wanted his own business for a while - I do think once it gets started he will be so busy and immersed in his business and perhaps that will help give him the personal satisfaction he has been seeking.

The positive of the business is being a franchise he has the guidelines to follow including what to purchase, how much, etc. Also, he has run restaurants before and never had an issue with maintaining appropriate cost figures. It seems it is personal spending he has an issue with. Also, it could be he feels we have more extra money than I do. I am more tight and conservative on finances. We are not truly falling apart and can afford these extras. I just like to have a big cushion to help us through the three months without pay.

Noddy - I do myself do "sneak" in the savings department. Where he doesn't look at the finances so much - I sometimes "sneak" extra money into our money market and the most recent sneakiness I do is pay off more on the mortgage than is required.

Good ideas jespah. We have already used the coffee maker so it stays. The beautiful coffee maker is leaking water; maybe if it is due to a defective maker (rather than our misuse) we will be able to return it.

If it does continue, I will bring up counseling. I am considering just talking to one first myself just to get an expert thoughts and how I can handle this.

Linkat--

I'm glad to know there is another secret saver on A2K. Colds get passed around the family--would that good habits could be virally transmitted.

Mr. Noddy's little financial foible is lending money to family and friends who have already proved to be slow-pay, repayers. For the last six years I've been The Heavy--I don't like it, but I don't like spending our money on other peoples' pleasure, either.

Sometimes cleaning toilets can seem a delightful part of togetherness.

Linkat, it might help if your husband understood why he performs this behavior. Shopping addiction affects the same part of the brain as a gambling addiction. It's the part of the brain that feels anticipation. It's not getting the item (or winning for a gambler) it's the anticipation that's addictive. It's like when you get a wrapped gift and the best part is opening it up. The brain gets a little high from the anticipation of thinking "what's next, what's in here". The gambler at the roulette wheel or slot machine experiences the same thing. The excitement is in the build up, not the end result. It's why a gambler can let all his money ride on the next bet, it's why shopaholics like to stalk around stores looking for something to buy. Often people with shopping addictions don't even remember what they bought a few days later. Clothing hangs in the closet with tags, "toys" are forgotten in the garage, the item that was bought to make life easier never gets used. etc.

Your husband needs to understand he is looking for this little jolt of pleasure and not fulfilling a material need. It's also the reason he doesn't argue about taking items back, he's already got his little thrill from the purchase.