Eva wrote:dlowan wrote:Lol!
No...is it GOOD?
(That's to Eva)
At this stage in my life, comfortable IS good!
More seriously...people do gravitate to whatever is familiar. I suppose that explains a lot of why we repeat childhood patterns.
That, and they become hard wiring, and part of our cognitive schema, or habitual state of mind.
sakhi wrote:I am an only child too. I had lots of friends but loved being alone. That trait continues till today.
Child of an alcoholic father. Frequent fights at home and disliked my mom, loved my dad. Wanted to run away (but always hung around because of my dad). I remain, till today, an escapist. I tend to run away from problems, especially fights.
And yes, i have always been everyone's confidante
- and i've loved that.
Hmmm...yes, I do the confidante thing, and I used to run from fights. It's interesting when you start to face them, and face up to other habitual patterns.
I think part of that is meeting people who fight well, and it can, of course, be done.
msolga wrote:I'm the youngest of 2 daughters.
Actually, my parents had 3 daughters in all, but daughter no 2 died before I was born.
I was given daughter no 2's name. The replacement, I guess. Thanks, M & D!
Role in the family?: A sort of Henry Kissinger/UN role. It was my job to make peace between the waring factions in the family. Keep the wheels turning smoothly, so to speak. As in : "Mom doesn't understand why you .....", etc, etc, etc ...
I was also the confidant: "Don't tell your mother, or your sister, but ....."
I was also considered the smartest, the most together & blessed with not having any problems what-so-ever of my own. So lucky!
The family members I felt happiest with we're always the cats! :wink:
To this very day I have to fight the urge to find "right" solutions to other folks' problems. Whether they want them or not!
To not listen to secrets I don't really want to know about, meant only for my ears.
To try not to find too many excuses for appalling behaviour.
& most of all ... to stop bloody rescuing drowning folk! Enough, already!
<sigh>
Oy! You have done well.
I had a friend with that role, (and there was violence from her dad in the mix) who, as a nurse, also thought she knew all about "counselling", but was unutterably intrusive and would^be dominating in that role. Drove me insane! But, it was all from terrible fear. As soon as there was the faintest hint of angst or anger in the air, she would be into her fixing thing.
And REPLACING the dead sister! OW! That sucks.
sozobe wrote:That was my other question -- if you had the same name, how did they refer to her? The first msolga? The dearly departed msolga? :eek:
As I was composing the question I realized that a family that would do that (name a newborn after a dead child) would likely not speak of the dead child.
This is all so... Victorian!
I'm understanding things you've said about your family more fully now (well, I already understood, but that is an extra layer).
Victorian? South Australian, too (Ozzie in joke).
I just KNEW I wasn't allowed to mention my dear sister ever again. I think it was a few years before I knew what she died of...much less got warned about my 2 in 3 chance of being a carrier of the same disease. (Figured it out in genetics in science class, and a random bit of info I picked up somewhere about cystic fibrosis being on a recessive).
Now, the denial in my family was at weird proportions, but I don't think it was all THAT weird at the time.
Like...families often had huge problems getting medical info about sick members of the family. Doctors hardly communicated at all. The dying person seems not to have been told (my mum and sister certainly were not, which drove me nuts in the case of my mum, because I thought it so wrong, but didn't quite dare tell her myself).
When I worked in a hospital from 1984 to 1989 we struggled to make it part of hospital policy that all patients were told diagnosis and prognosis in clear, plain langyuge. A lot of the surgeons talked gobbledygook, deliberately, and people did not know they had terminal cancer, for instance (though custom and communication varied widely)...we lost. Now, of course, they HAVE to explain everything. And, of course, lots of people complain and say they wish they had not been told! Such is life.
Families with sick kids get way more support, too...and sometimes people even think of the poor, bloody siblings, too, bless 'em.
But that naming you thing, Olga...that's just plain sick.
Though...if she died at birth, your mum probably never even saw the body, and was expected not to grieve and just get on with it.
msolga wrote:It was strange, soz. They never spoke about daughter no 2. (or msolga no 1!) But her death obviously had a huge impact on my mother. She couldn't make much of a connection to me at all. Unless, of course, I was busily resolving family conflict! Weird, hey?
Actually, not weird at all, Olga. Grief'll do that, especially unsupported and unfaced grief.
Sounds just like my family!!!! Only, my poor mum found out her older daughter was dying when she was in hospital having me.
What mum could possibly connect with a new babe in those circumstances? Aargggh, it drives me nuts thinking how little things were understood then.
2PacksAday wrote:I'm both first and last.
My mother was very young when I was born so we lived with my grandparents until I was about 8, then my mom had another baby {little sister} and we got our own place. I lived with my mom but still spent most weekends and school breaks with my grandparents. When I was 12ish my grandfather was working out of town a lot so I moved in with my grandmother to keep her company....things were reversed then, spending weekends at my moms now. A few years later my mom ended up moving to KC, and I stayed with my grandparents. Besides my mom, who is the oldest she has a brother, he was 14 when I was born.
So for a part of my younger life I was the oldest, but it always felt more as if I were the baby of three kids. Most people in town think of us that way, and most have even forgotten that I really am a grandchild, until my mom comes for a visit, and mentions something about her "son"....she's had a few people question her about that, and it really hurts her feelings.
My sister moved back when she was 20...and after living 15 or so years apart, I once again took the place of older sibling. So usually when I'm around her, I take on the role of the more organised one, the straightfoward nononsence one...the boss. And the opposite when my mom and her brother are here...usually only twice a year...{Christmas, etc} but I still fall into my place as the baby. I set back and let them talk, maybe adding a comment here and there, usually a silly comment, and waiting for the cookies to be done...cause I get the first one.
I'm self employed, an extreme perfectionist with my craft, and not real easy to work for...I tend to be very demanding. I'm not much for silliness or unnecessary talk while working, I generally set the tone and the speed at which we work, and don't like deviations from those. But when not working, I'm very carefree and laid back, basically the total opposite.
I see my work habits as being similar to being the older sibling, when something needs to be done, I'm the one to do it...step back and watch and learn. While not working, I slip into the youngest sibling mode...I couldn't care less if the sky fell in....I'm just here for the ride.
Lol!!! So, you move between roles with ease, but when in one or other, you are really in it! That is interesting. Does that suit you, or would you like to have aspecrts of both roles happening all the time?
dyslexia wrote:2nd born am I, 1st born died age 3, I was always the one that lived, unfortunately.
I understand you completely.
Only, I was lucky, I got to really know my sister, ad that was a damn fine thing.
