Am I being a Hardass Scrooge???

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My stepdaughter, a Sargeant in the Army, is home from Korea where she was stationed for a year. Some of you may remember that she has a dog who stayed with her brother while she was over in Iraq two years ago. Well, bless his heart, he agreed to keep the dog this time also. He didn't want to but his sister apparently knows how to get him to do things he doesn't even want to do. Well, daughter has been back now for about three weeks (she'll be here through Christmas) and has been with her dog, her baby, her little girl, for maybe a week in total. She has a new friend who lives about two hours away and she's been spending alot of time there, which is where she is now. In the meantime, she insisted on leaving the dog with her brother the first week she was back here (he was furious but I guess she overpowered him or something) and now she's been leaving the dog here with her father and me. Being responsible for someone elses' pet gets tiresome after awhile. This is the third night in a row that she isn't here and it pisses me off.

I guess it boils down to principle for me. She acts as if this is the 'family' dog yet never asked the family if we wanted a dog when she brought her five years ago and now she expects us to just go along and take care of her dog even while she's here galavanting around for days on end. It's one thing when she's away on military duty, another when she's here. This dog is her pet, her responsibility, but she expects everyone else to take care of it and to me, that's just not right and I want to get on her about it and tell her to take her dog with her when she goes away like this. But then I feel guilty about it. Somewhat. Like I'm being a hardass simply out of principle. But is that a bad thing? I mean, she just got back from being away for over a year and there are people she wants to see and things she wants to do and dragging her pooch around may be inconvenient and I do appreciate that but on the other hand, I feel like we're being taken advantage of totally and completely and that's very hard for me to swallow. My husband's children are truly give-'em-an-inch types and I've pulled the rug out from under those types all my life, refusing to allow people like this, my steps included, to get over just because they have the balls to try. It's very difficult for me to just sit back and take this from her but this is my husband's daughter, just back from a year-long military stint. Am I being too principled here? Should I give her a break?

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I think she's being a selfish brat, and I ain't real cool with the way she treats the pup, either. Pets are a two-way deal; you want 'em, they want you. They'll pretty much do whatever they can to hold up their end of the bargain, be their part of the team, whether the human does its part or not. If you like the pup (it appears the brother sorta doesn't), and are up for doing your part in the pet-person team, make it your pup. If you aren't good with that idea, find the pup a home where it will be a valued family member. Either way, just peremptorilly and implacably inform daughter there's been a change in her world, a change effected for the good of the pup.

And dragging the pooch around inconvenient? Hell, I can barely imagine not having a pup or 2 or more, (sometimes many more Rolling Eyes

) with me whenever I go anywhere. I've got pups because I like pups, and I want pups in my life. They are. I see to it.

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Thanks timber. It's probably simpler in NW Wisconsin. Sounds like dogcountry up there.

SD's situation is a little more complicated and I do appreciate all of it's complexities but still, being taken advantage of gets to me in a big way. It is, after all, her pet.

On the other hand, she'll be gone in a few weeks and her doggy will go with her.

I keep going back and forth, hardass vs. softhearted, and was looking for others' opinion about it.

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harrumph

I don't really go anywhere <for more than a couple of hours, or work> where I can't take the dogs. They're part of my life. If I'm going to visit someone I ask if I can bring the dogs. If not, my visit is going to be very brief. That's how it is.

I'm pretty tough on this stuff. If you don't want to do things/go places that can't accommodate your pets, don't have pets. They're not accessories.

I'd be lettin' her know. Regardless of what her last year has been like.

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harumph 2 -

I think it needs talking about. This is hard on the dog and the people the dog is shunted off to.

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No, your not being a hardass at all....she should be taking her dog with her on visits, and be the one responsible for it.

I know some of those 'give 'em an inch types'

If you don't watch it with them, you'll find yourself in way deeper than you wanted to be.

don't feel guilty eoe either, she'll probably try to lay that on you too.

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My $.02: I've watched my brother take care of his dog for 12 years. He always accomodates the dog. Same with my sister-in-law. The dog is her responsibility.

Suggestion: Simply tell your husband (and possibly step-daughter) that you are not going to take care of the dog any more. If he wants to, then fine. He can feed it. He can clean up after it.

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I suspect this dog is not all so much daughter-attached by now.

Signed,
she with dog crate/cushions in car....

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In my mid 20's, my boyfried showed up one day with a puppy.

He said it belonged to "John" a friend of his that was still in college and lived in the dorms. John had apparantly gotten this puppy a few days before and had been hiding it from the Dorm Gestapo. He had been found out, and my bf was just "trying to help out" by saying he'd keep the pup for a day or two, until things cooled down and John could take the puppy back.

I remember just looking at him in that way women have, and asking him (a) what the f*ck was John thinking having a puppy in a dormitory room, and one that look strikingly like a golden retriever puppy at that. (b) did he really think John was going to come back to get this dog and (c) what made him think we needed a dog?

Apparantly it was a guy thing and beyond me.

So, the bf promises me the pup will be gone sometime the next day. That is, until he called John, who suddenly discovered another problem and "it might be a few days, but I'll come buy and bring Skeeter his bowl and food"

Yeah, right.

Bright and early in the morning, I step outside to get the paper, and not being used to having puppies around, and stepped with my bare feet into a nice warm pile of dog poo that skeeter had left on the front door mat.

Uh huh.

BF goes to work, John shows up with bowl and bag of puppy chow (brief background - I don't think any woman had ever said "no" to John......yet)

John didn't get past the front door, skeeter was outside on the porch, he didn't need to come any further. I actually didn't even open the screen door between us. Just take the puppy and go.

All of a sudden, according to John, it was MY problem that the dog didn't have anyplace to go.

How sad.

Oh how I had to listen to the rumors of what a heartless bitch I was.

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ossobuco wrote:

I suspect this dog is not all so much daughter-attached by now.

Signed,
she with dog crate/cushions in car....

Believe it or not, the dog is as attached to her now as ever before. When SD is with her dog, you would think they were inseperable by the way she plays and coos and hugs and loves her but then, when it's time for her to do something else, it's as if the dog doesn't matter. Not as long as she can just leave her with someone else, right?

I've already decided to tell her how I feel about it and that she needs to either take her dog along on her jaunts or whatever but just leaving her here is no longer an option.

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Re: Am I being a Hardass Scrooge???
I keep going back to this.

eoe wrote:

Should I give her a break?

Someone should give that lil dog a break, and make sure it gets a good permanent home.

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I'm with you, eoe! My dog really isn't a pet, she's a co-worker, ambassador, friend, and family member. If she wants a companion like that, she needs to do more than dump it at someone else's house.

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Well, I took the Scrooge route and told her that the next time she goes away overnight, she should take her dog along. She said okay. That was two days ago and I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop but it hasn't yet. I think she has plans to run away again this weekend so we'll see what she does with the pooch.

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Eoe--

I'm on your side.

One of my better stepsons asked us to keep a dog for a week or so until they got organize. The dog died here, 12 years later.

Some Daddies have more heart than sense.

Hold your dominion.

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What happened with this, eoe? Did she take the doggie with her? I sort of hope the little guy just got a better home...sorry, but I agree with those who said that if you're not the type to accomodate the doggie when you go visitin', then you shouldn't have a dog at all. I feel bad for that pup, I hope she has been showing more responsibility toward him....Update, please Very Happy

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Last weekend, she made a point of saying aloud that she was going out of town and taking her dog along and sure enough, as I was out of town Monday through Wednesday on business as well, calling home, my hubby said that she had indeed taken the dog with her. Seems to me that she just needed someone to say stop. As long as she was allowed to take advantage, that's what she intended to do until forced to do something else.
But, to her credit, she had never said anything to her father about our little talk. She took it like a woman.

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That's a great update. Really turned out well it sounds like.
Good for you, eoe, for being nice enough to tell her to stop. It truly was a kind thing to do - for the dog, for her, and for you and your fam.

I find rather interesting that she would have gotten the dog in the first place, with a career like that. Doesn't really make sense to me, but I guess that how it works sometimes.

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Me too flushd. I never understood her insistence on having a dog while in the military but when she's based somewhere, she likes to live alone, offbase, and having a dog for a year or so is company for her. But then a tour of duty, which she's required to do, will come up and the question of what to do with the dog arises.

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A little extra:
Talked to my eldest step today and he says that his sister was pretty pissed with me about not letting her leave the dog with us. From what he said, it sounded like she still didn't get the simple fact that this is her dog and her responsibility. She seems to think that the family is just SUPPOSED to pitch in and take over for her when she wants to blow off her responsiblities. I can't imagine where she got that idea from.
But she didn't bring any of this to me. She dumped it all on her brother. He was relieved tho' that someone finally put her in check. He couldn't seem to do it but he was glad that someone could because it took the heat off of him as well. She stopped dumping the dog on him too.

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Feeling the need to add my two cents here:

Why is it that some people tend to romanticize pet ownership? They don't seem to understand that having pets is similar to (albeit much easier than) having children. It's not only a huge pleasure, it's a huge responsibility.frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (<----- Apparently, Murray agrees. He stepped on the keyboard.)

One would hope that the stepdaughter would not presume to treat a child in this manner, so why would she think differently about the dog?

You did the right thing, eoe.

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Am I being a Hardass Scrooge???

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