What's the best joke you've ever read or heard?

I always liked jokes but it's been years since I've heard a particularly funny one – or even a memorable one. But, as no one has come up with one yet, let me see if I can get this thread started:

One of my best friends is a chap called Angus. The thing about Angus is that everyone seems to know him. And not just local people – people greet him by name everywhere we go. I asked him if there's anyone he doesn't know and he assured me that he knows everyone. So I decided to put his claim to the test.

We were upstate on a fishing trip and pulled over to buy some bait from a kid by the side of the road. "I'll bet you don't know that little boy", I said. And before Angus even had a chance to answer the little kid cries out, "Hi, Angus!"

We were in Washington, D.C. together, touring the Capitol so I said to him, "I'll bet you don't know Mitch McConnell." Angus makes a quick phone call and five minutes later McConnell strolls out of an elevator, catches sight of us, walks over with an outstretched hand and says "Hi, Angus!"

Really scratching my head I challenged him. "I'll bet you don't know the Pope." Angus assured me that he did so we flew to Rome. We entered the Vatican compound to watch the Pope greet the public from the balcony overlooking St. Peter's Square. The crowd was huge and filled with people from all over the world. Angus ducked inside while I awaited the Pope's appearance. Suddenly there was a stirring in the crowd and seconds later the Pope appeared, in all his glory, and right next to him stood Angus. I couldn't believe it. Pointing to the balcony I asked a wildly clapping tourist standing next to me, "Excuse me, but can you tell me who that is?" The tourist looked at me and said, "You mean that guy in the funny hat next to Angus?"



My father first told me this joke when I was around eleven or twelve. I didn't find it funny. I told it to a friend. He didn't find it funny. But he went home and told his dad, and his father said it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard. That's when I began to appreciate different kinds of humor and started to see that one's sense of humor might change over time, that there might be more to comedy than one-liners and fart jokes.

I don't have a "best ever" joke, but the thing that made me "laugh the hardest lately."

My ex-daughter-in-law has always been a church goer. She recently remarried, and her new spouse is, apparently, quite religous. Our seven year old grandson has been slipping in god and bible references quite a lot lately, and it's been something of a challenge to be respectful of his parroting, without contradicting or demeaning anyone.

Anyway, he got some new "hotwheels" recently, and proudly announced they were "the fastest cars in the old testament."

I laughed so hard I had tears.

Thanks guys.

Oh yes. And a belly laugh is not the only metric for audience appreciation of humor though it's a good one.

Joe's example seems to me a version of what Art Linkletter (and others) have capitalized on with his/their 'funny things kids say" where children voice something which in its innocence or through some surprising incongruity we adults will find delightful.

Hightor's example is in story form and terminates with an unexpected punch line, a form which has a long history (lots of humor out of Jewish culture is exactly of this sort). Another example, though some might say less sophisticated (I wouldn't frame it that way), is Norm MacDonald's moth joke.

There are many differences between, for example, Mark Twain's Advice To Youth Rodney Dangerfield's "I was such an ugly baby that when I was born the doctor slapped my mother" but I have great affinity for both. Good one liners seem to me quite like the haiku form where, with the smallest handful of words, a surprising image (more accurate, a very brief story with characters) is evoked.

I don't know that I could isolate a single joke as "best" but certainly in my top list would be Grouch's wire to The Friar's Club... "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER".

Have you ever looked at compilations of ancient humor?

I don't know if this is the best joke ever, but it's the one I tell if I'm ever in a position where I have to tell a joke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes to prison for life. And of course he's depressed and sad. But his cellmate seems okay and it's probably as pleasant as it can possibly be.

The first evening, someone in the cellblock yells, "34!"

And they all laugh.

Another guy calls out, "118!"

Again, everyone laughs. That is, everyone but the new guy, who is getting more puzzled by the moment.

A third guy yells, "93!"

By this time, the cellmate is rolling on the floor with laughter. The guards come around, and tell everyone it's lights out.

This continues for a few more nights, but it's always different numbers. "11!" "79!" "105!" "41!" "63!" You get the idea.

Finally, it's been a week, and the guy is so confused and curious, he finally asks his cellmate, "What's with all the numbers? And why does everyone always find them so funny?"

"Oh, that," says the cellmate. "We're all lifers, and some of us have been in here for a few decades. To save time, we don't even tell the jokes anymore. We just say the numbers."

"Oh, er, okay," says the guy, wondering if there's a cheat sheet somewhere.

This goes on for a few nights.

Finally, the guy screws up his courage. After one prisoner bellows out, "81!" The guy decides it's time to make his move.

He calls out, "204!"

Well.

There is silence for a moment, and the guy thinks he's blown it. But then everyone starts laughing. And everyone means everyone—even the guards are barely holding each other up. The warden is flicking tears out of his eyes, he's laughing so hard.

This goes on for several minutes. Finally, after the laughter dies down, the guy asks his cellmate, "I don't get it. Why did I get the reaction that I did?"

And the cellmate says to him, "Oh, we never heard that one before."

Good one!

Not specifically. But I studied Greek and Roman theater and their comedic plays (from which the modern sit com form arose). Related to this was a joke in Fiddler on the Roof, where the men in the village were sharing gripes about their lives contrasted with the rich people for whom all of them made a good portion of their livelihoods. One of the characters said (paraphrasing) "We do everything for the rich people. If we could die for the rich people we'd make a very good living." Comedy of that sort is so integral to Jewish culture that it must have, I conclude, very ancient roots. Indeed I think it is integral to human life and cognition going far back into prehistory. And it may well not be just a human phenomenon. In my primatology studies I came across one account of a chimpanzee who'd been taught some sign language and who was riding on the shoulders of a primatologist and his bowels let loose whereupon he signed "funny". One presumes that some sociologists have studied humor across cultures and that would be interesting.

Many years ago, I heard a variation on that joke. In this case the set up was the same except that there was a handmade book circulated in the jail with numbered jokes. The new fellow studied it and finally got up the courage to chip in as others were yelling out a number and getting huge laughs. He called out "29!". Nothing. Dead silence. He asked his cellmate what was going on. The cellmate explained, "Well, some people just can't tell a joke".

But your version is better.

The version I heard was about a greenhorn jokester at a convention of professional comedians which ended the way yours does. And I agree, jespah's version is funnier.

What about those long contrived jokes which end in a pun on well-known phrase? I think I can just give the punchlines and you can almost imagine how a joke would be constructed around it:

Pardon me, Roy – is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?

And now we present the Moron Tab and Apple Choir!

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides. (here)

They're called shaggy dog stories.

I'll take jokes anywhere I can find them. But puns and groaners can be tiresome as too much Dangerfield can also be.

For those who haven't seen it, here's an extended conversation on humor with Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Ricky Gervais and Louis CK https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKY6BGcx37k&t=382s

Every country has its own jokes and it takes a while to get American humor and slapstick. Of course, us Krauts have no humor, so they say British humor is the best, I think.

A Jumbojet was coming into London Heathrow after a long-haul trip from Singapore and the captain opened the intercom and said 'Ladies and gentlemen we are now making our final approach into Heathrow, we hope you've enjoyed flying with RarelyCrash Airways and that we'll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey' at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off.

He turned to the co-pilot and said 'well Roger what plans do you have for the rest of the day?' the co-pilot replied 'My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she's got seats booked for a West-End show, I don't know which one, what plans do you have?' The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile are quite enjoying this change from the norm.

The captain continued 'as you know my divorce was finalised last week so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room. I'm thinking that after that I'll call the pretty new blonde stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink then take her back to my room and give her a damn good seeing to' At that moment the passengers cheered loudly and in the upper deck Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident and she had to get downstairs and let them know.

She ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old ladys handbag which was poking out into the aisle. The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said 'there's no need to hurry love, he's going to have a bath first.

That really is quite British, isn't it.

Yes!!

Off topic but here's an example of someone saying something which just made me laugh. It's from a very interesting discussion between Kara Swisher and Walter Isaacson on Musk, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Einstein, DaVinci and some other extraordinary personalities who truly do stand out in terms of accomplishments...
You can get a sound file or text file of the discussion here and I highly recommend it. I learned a lot.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3:00 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3 a.m. in the morning and it’s pouring out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk

I can't repeat on this forum, the funniest joke I've ever heard without running the risk of being banned, but here is one that left me laughing.

A nun in a Catholic college asked her female students what they wanted to be after their schooling and one answered that she intended to be a prostitute, upon which, the nun spun round and screamed, 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' and the young girl repeated that she intended to be a prostitute. then, with a sigh and a look of relief on her face, the nun said, 'Thank heavens, I thought you said that you intended to be a protestant.'

Thanks guys!

A quick one-liner that is so bad that it is good.

A skeleton walks into a pub and orders a Guinness & a mop.