3
   

How was I wrong in any of this?

 
 
Reply Wed 11 May, 2022 09:36 am
It's been a minute since I've posted anything but I have a questions for everyone.

This past Sat was one of our granddaughter's 6th birthday party. This is the oldest son of my wife. The same child that we have had regular every other weekend visits with since she was about a month old. We love this little girl to death and she loves us. Well, my step-son thinks that buying a pair of shoes or taking her to get something to eat is child support. Since day 1 I have been telling her mom to take him downtown for child support but she won't. I am a firm believer in mem taking care of their responsibilities. Anyway, for the past few weeks he's been complaining because the girl's mom is asking him to help pay for this or that for the party. She wanted to have it at a place called Defy Gravity which is a national trampoline and birthday center for kids. Ok, the party was set and everyone invited. Sat arrives and we find out that our step-son's other daughter will be there. She's 4 and we hadn't seen her since 2019. The mom said that she's not comfortable bringing her to our place because she doesn't know us that well. So this will be a great thing for us to see her again as well. We get to the party and my step-son is upset that his other "baby momma" hadn't shown up yet. She arrives and we exchange some pleasantries and the kids go off and play. I was sitting on one picnic table and my step-son and his youngest daughter's mom was on the other one. I couldn't hear what they were saying but I could tell it wasn't a nice conversation. He says something to her then stands up to walk away. Behind them was the oldest daughter's mom, the birthday girl's mom) and I hear her say something like, "you don't need to be talking to your baby momma like that." He and her are now exchanging words. Again, mind you, we're at an indoor facility with other kids there playing and having fun. Lots of other parents and adults too. At that point the oldest daughter's mom's boyfriend, who was also at the party, jumps into the mix. He and my step-son do not get along. They've had a few run-ins in the past. When I see that I jump between them to try and break it up. My wife tries to grab her son and then at that point they start swinging and fighting. That went on for a few minutes and finally the manager of the place comes over to help break it up and puts everyone outside. We get outside and my step-son is still running off at the mouth. The boyfriend had walked to the other end of the parking lot to cool off but my step-son was still going at it with the oldest child's mom. The managers call the police and they arrive and place my step-son in handcuffs trying to calm him down. He's still going at it with the mom and a few other people who had arrived at the party outside in the parking lot. At some point the girl said something to or about how my wife hadn't raised her son right so now she was trying to argue with the girl. I'm yelling at my wife to not get involved and to focus on calming her son down. We're trying to tell my step-son that those were just words and not to let them bother him but now the wife was getting angry over the same words being thrown at her. Again, so by this point there was a crown gathering in the parking lot. Several cars of police had showed up. Some kind of way my step-son, in handcuffs mind you, had managed to get close enough to the daughter's mom and he spat on her or in her direction. At that point the cops went ahead and arrested him for assault because he did it right in front of them. After things had calmed down somewhat, I went to the boyfriend and was talking to him. He was very apologetic and saying how sorry he was that all that went down. I turned to one of the officers who was talking to my wife and asked him a simple question. All I said was "had he not spit". The officer looked at me and said, "had he not spit we would have let him go because since we weren't here to see what happened inside there was really nothing they could do."

After they took him away my wife and I stood outside and talked for a few minutes before going back inside to check on the kids. The other baby momma was still inside with a few other parents. I walk over to the youngest child's mother and asked if she was okay and she said she was fine. She said that the kids didn't really see what happened because they were playing . I then turn to the other mom and asked if she was okay. She was still visibly upset. During all the ruckus she said something to my step-son that he won't see his child again. Now that upset me because had it not been for us he wouldn't have seen her at all these past few years. We were always the one to arrange picking her up and she stays at our house for the weekend visits. I just wanted to make sure to try and keep the peace with her so we could possibly still see out granddaughter.

My wife didn't like that I was going around to the two baby momma's and checking on them so when we finally left we got into it because she said I didn't defend her son, my step-son. Why would I defend someone who's wrong? He started all this mess. He's a hot head with a lengthy criminal record and a felon on top of that. Personally, once his other child got there he shouldn't have said much to her anyway because they have bad blood too. To me there was no need for them to be sitting and talking since they don't get along either. My wife feels I should have been on her side. Her son got arrested, again, and I was playing nice to the baby mommas. Not only was it embarrassing because an all out brawl broke out in this play area but we had invited one of our church members who loves our 6 year old to death. So she was there and she witnessed everything. I'm sure there's video footage of this online somewhere because you know when things like this break out people love to pull out their phones and record. Step-son stayed in jail 3 days for domestic assault. And even when my wife called her mom she even came across like everyone was against her grandson. But I'm sure wifey skewed it to make it look like her son did nothing wrong.

Was I wrong for not defending my step-son and siding with my wife? I wasn't trying to keep the fight going but to break it up as quickly as possible. It wasn't my party nor had we spent any money on it other than a birthday gift but I even went to the managers of the place and apologized to them. Was I wrong?
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 386 • Replies: 32
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Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 May, 2022 12:03 pm
Sounds like everything would have been fine if your stepson hadn't been there.
Barry2021
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 11 May, 2022 12:34 pm
@Mame,
Mame wrote:

Sounds like everything would have been fine if your stepson hadn't been there.


And that's the point I can't seem to get through to my wife, his mom. He is the problem. But she wants it to be everyone else is just out for him. And then just several days before that we were at one of our niece's college graduation and he texts us a pic of a new baby that was just born that day and he wanted to know it if looked like him. Apparently the girl was messing with two different guys at the same time and got pregnant and she is unsure who the father is. So this would potentially be baby momma #3 that we know of. Several others in the past who claimed to have babies by him but they have remained quite and not caused a stir just yet. So we don't know exactly how many kids he's got and neither does he.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 May, 2022 10:37 am
@Barry2021,
I would gave done the same thing as ... Apologize to everyone and try to mend anything you could.

I doubt though I would have talked to your wife or limited anything negative about her son..not that he doesn't deserve but he is still your wife's son.

And although you may be right you cannot change your wife or how she feels so sometimes on that side you just need to say..yes dear.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 May, 2022 09:59 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

I would gave done the same thing as ... Apologize to everyone and try to mend anything you could.

I doubt though I would have talked to your wife or limited anything negative about her son..not that he doesn't deserve but he is still your wife's son.

And although you may be right you cannot change your wife or how she feels so sometimes on that side you just need to say..yes dear.


Trust me, I didn't say anything negative to or about her son to my wife. I did tell her that he was wrong for first of all getting into it with both his baby momma's at the party and then for fighting with the boyfriend. Here you have a boy (I can't call him a man) who seems to argue with everyone over everything when he is falling short on everything. Again, multiple arrests. Was legally a felon at the age of 16. 2 baby mommas that we know of and possibly 2 or 3 more that we don't know for sure if those kids are his. My wife thinks I should have immediately sided with her and go against everyone else at the party who was arguing with him. Why? because he's my step-son? He was wrong. Yes, I was trying to smooth things over with everyone. Show a little class to those around that someone can be an adult here. Again, during the course of the argument / fight, the oldest child's mom made mention that we would never see that little girl again so of course I was going to go to her to see if she was okay smooth things over so she won't keep the child from us, the grandparents. This is the type of kid who can go into a store, be caught on video camera stealing something, then when the police arrest him they feel he was done wrong.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 May, 2022 03:40 pm
@Barry2021,
Quote:
the oldest child's mom made mention that we would never see that little girl again
Quote:


Likely a quick emotional reaction in the heat of the moment. If you have a cool head she is likely to retract that.

The only thing I can say is - you cannot control other people - you can only control how you respond to them.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 May, 2022 06:36 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

Quote:
the oldest child's mom made mention that we would never see that little girl again
Quote:


Likely a quick emotional reaction in the heat of the moment. If you have a cool head she is likely to retract that.

The only thing I can say is - you cannot control other people - you can only control how you respond to them.


This weekend I sent the mom a text to again apologize for my step-son's behavior and just to say I hope that doesn't affect us seeing our granddaughter. This was her reply:

"Oh no it wasn't your fault at all things happen for a reason. And right now I am totally done with his mom and him I am sorry you even have to suffer from this because you absolutely love (insert name) like your own and I'll always respect you for that and how you have treated me over the years. My dad is very upset about everything and doesn't want me talking to (step-son) or (wife) anymore my family is completely done with her after (child) party."

I guess on one hand my wife is a typical mother and she's going to protect or defend her son no matter what. But on the other hand she's doing him a big disservice by doing that. He's 27 and she treats him like he's 7. My philosophy in life is the best way to teach someone something is to let them figure it out. Yeah, you help them out on some things but in situations like this you need to put your foot down to him and when he gets arrested don't run down to the jail. You know he's getting "3 hots and a cot" so he's fine. You have a kid who can always find money to buy an old car to ride around in but he's got no driver's license. Send some of that money to the baby momma's for support. When he gets arrested for drugs and weapons don't get upset because you know his background. How many times does a convicted felon have to get arrested for drugs, possession of a firearm, fights in public, probation violations, etc before a judge looks him dead in his eye and says "I think you need to get 6 months to a year since you can't seen to stay out of trouble." So now, because of their actions I may not get to see my granddaughter for a while. I may just have to contact the mom and arrange a time to go see her myself.

But of course my wife is going to blame the girl because we can't see our granddaughter anymore. She's not going to look at anything her son did.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 May, 2022 07:06 am
@Barry2021,
I am glad it worked out at least for you to see your grandchild. The poor little thing has to grow up with a daddy that is a mess - it will be nice though for her to be able to see and spend time with her grandparents.

Yeah your wife should let go of her son - but unfortunately you cannot control what your wife is going to do. So on the flip side you need to let go of your wife in this respect. Just let her do it as it seems she will not see otherwise.

Maybe come to an agreement - with her son or sons if they all behave that way - that you really are not going to be a part of it - it is up to her how she wants to handle it as long as it does not personally or financially impact you. You can try to say this as diplomatically as possible knowing how sensitive she is about it. Say something like - I know we do not see eye to eye on your son, and I do not want these disagreements to impact us as a couple, so it might be best for the us to agree to disagree on how you handle him. I will always be there for you and I agree not to say anything or do anything about a particular situation even when I do not agree with how you handle it -- as long as what you do does not impact my personal time or money. Not sure how that would fly but to me that seems about as fair as you can be for each other.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 May, 2022 08:33 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

I am glad it worked out at least for you to see your grandchild. The poor little thing has to grow up with a daddy that is a mess - it will be nice though for her to be able to see and spend time with her grandparents.

Yeah your wife should let go of her son - but unfortunately you cannot control what your wife is going to do. So on the flip side you need to let go of your wife in this respect. Just let her do it as it seems she will not see otherwise.

Maybe come to an agreement - with her son or sons if they all behave that way - that you really are not going to be a part of it - it is up to her how she wants to handle it as long as it does not personally or financially impact you. You can try to say this as diplomatically as possible knowing how sensitive she is about it. Say something like - I know we do not see eye to eye on your son, and I do not want these disagreements to impact us as a couple, so it might be best for the us to agree to disagree on how you handle him. I will always be there for you and I agree not to say anything or do anything about a particular situation even when I do not agree with how you handle it -- as long as what you do does not impact my personal time or money. Not sure how that would fly but to me that seems about as fair as you can be for each other.


The child's mom isn't willing to let my wife see the little girl now. She won't let her come visit us because of everything that went down. So not only is the son not going to see his oldest daughter, the 2nd baby momma already won't let him see the other child, she is now saying that my wife, the baby's grandma, can't see the oldest granddaughter either. If I see her I'm going to have to go unbeknownst of my wife. How do you think that's going to go over with her when I tell her, "honey, I'm going to see our granddaughter for a little while. Be back later." This knowing the baby's mom doesn't want her to come along. Either I tell her upfront and piss her off or I don't tell her and she finds out later that I've been seeing her whereas she can't.

The thing is this. As much as I try to stay neutral and stay out of it as much as possible the wife thinks I should immediately and automatically side with her. When she asks my opinion and I give it she's pissed I don't agree with her. But when I opt to stay out of it then she automatically assume I'm on the side of the baby's mom. Sure, we can agree to disagree but that only works as long as I don't disagree with her. Yeah, I can disagree with the child's mom and that's fine but the minute I give an opinion on what the step-son should be doing then I'm going against her.

Many years ago when my daughter was born her mom and I got along good up until the pregnancy and even up until about a year after our daughter was born. When I found out she was pregnant I moved out of my parent's house and got us an apartment, furnished it and even took care of my daughter's mom's oldest child at the time. She let her family get into her ear and I was never good enough for her. About a year after our daughter was born we broke up. Long story short, she hooked up with this other guy who meant her no good and our daughter ended up 5 or 6 states away with her mom while she and the new bf came back to our state without her. Every attempt I made to see or get my child back failed until the grandmother made claims that I had been sexually abusing my daughter. I knew at that point I had to do something. I found an attorney and filed for custody. After an extensive investigation by two state's DSS and a custody battle along with phycological evaluations on both our parts, I was awarded full custody of my daughter. Since then my daughter's mom has had 4 other kids by 4 other men. Yes, that's 6 kids by 6 different guys. In the past 4 or 5 years we discovered that she has even gotten strung out of drugs and crack. My daughter graduated high school and college.

I say that to say that I stayed behind my daughter. Men can raise kids just as much and even in some cases better than a woman. It just depends on how you want them to be raised. The more I tell my step-son what he needs to do the more he does the complete opposite. And the more my wife tells me I'm wrong. He's always complaining about not seeing his kids on a regular basis and I told him that if he feels that way then he needs to go downtown and petition for a visitation order. But what that is going to mean is that these other baby momma's are probably going to turn around and file child support papers on him. So I'm thinking he'd rather complain about not seeing his kids than to go do what's right so he can see them. He feels that child support is a new pair of shoes every now and again or taking the child to the park or the movies when we have her.

What I really don't understand is that when my wife divorced her first husband she was a single parent for a number of years with little to no support from their father so it baffles me as to why and how she condones his behavior. Their dad, like the boys are now, was constantly getting arrested, drugs, alcohol, running from state to state to avoid getting arrested. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 06:41 am
@Barry2021,
Barry2021 wrote:
Here you have a boy (I can't call him a man) who seems to argue with everyone over everything when he is falling short on everything.


The apple doesn't fall far from the tree now, does it?

Who was watching the children when all this was happening? You "say" your concern is for the children but you were right there, in the middle of someone else's business. Not with the children, or for the children at all. It wasn't YOUR place to interact with the mothers of your step-son's children, that's HIS job. But no, you want to let everyone know you're large and in charge. So, how'd that work out for ya?

What I don't really understand is why you take absolutely no responsibility in raising your two step sons. Since you've pointed out on numerous occasions, you've been married to their mother for over 20 years. That means the children were about 7 and 5 when you married their mother.

In all this time, it seems you have done everything in your power to denigrate, disrespect and disagree with them to the point they've lashed out. You talk badly of them at every chance you get.

Stop that.

Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 08:44 am
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:

Barry2021 wrote:
Here you have a boy (I can't call him a man) who seems to argue with everyone over everything when he is falling short on everything.


The apple doesn't fall far from the tree now, does it?

Who was watching the children when all this was happening? You "say" your concern is for the children but you were right there, in the middle of someone else's business. Not with the children, or for the children at all. It wasn't YOUR place to interact with the mothers of your step-son's children, that's HIS job. But no, you want to let everyone know you're large and in charge. So, how'd that work out for ya?

What I don't really understand is why you take absolutely no responsibility in raising your two step sons. Since you've pointed out on numerous occasions, you've been married to their mother for over 20 years. That means the children were about 7 and 5 when you married their mother.

In all this time, it seems you have done everything in your power to denigrate, disrespect and disagree with them to the point they've lashed out. You talk badly of them at every chance you get.

Stop that.




So what was I supposed to do, stand back and let them, watch them fight in the middle of hundreds of kids and other parents and just shake my head saying, "that's none of my business." Or maybe I should have done like the masses and pull out my cell phone to upload the video to Worldstarhiphop.com. Yes, I was interacting with the mothers of the kids because they are the mothers of my granddaughters. And no, I wasn't trying to be large and in charge. But I wanted everyone know, especially the managers of the facility that not all black people are thugs or hoodlums. There are some of us who just apologize for the sake of others. "We're so sorry that this happened."

Yes, I was there with the kids as they were being raised but when they tend to listen to their real father instead of me, the step-father, there's not much I can do isn't there? What a wonderful world this would be if kids did EVERYTHING their parents/step-parents/guardians told them to do. I can only be an example to them and give them advice. I can't make them do anything once they leave the nest. I don't allow drugs in my home but these kids love to smoke weed and be high all the time. Why, because it's mainstream and the norm now. You know the saying, "you can lead a horse to water. . . . ". Well this is one of those instances.

The party was going great till my step-son decided he wanted to get into it with his 2nd baby momma because she was a little late getting to the party. She walked in maybe 10 or 15 minutes after we did so she wasn't that late. But when you have a hot head kid who thinks no one can tell him anything stuff like this is bound to happen. I'm sorry if you feel that I had a hand in this. I don't. But I will not apologize for trying to keep the peace, calm things down, and just go to those involved to see if they are okay.

And to answer your question, the kids were off playing in the play area so they didn't really see what happened. There were other parents at the party who tended to them while we tried to get those fighting outside.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 08:51 am
@Barry2021,
I've actually been wondering, as well, who raised these two. Did they grow up in your house? If so, how do you explain how they turned out?
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 08:58 am
@Mame,
I don't let my children take drugs, not my bloody drugs anyway.

They can buy their own.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 09:02 am
@izzythepush,
lol
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 11:10 am
@Barry2021,
Quote:
But I wanted everyone know, especially the managers of the facility that not all black people are thugs or hoodlums. There are some of us who just apologize for the sake of others. "We're so sorry that this happened."


I get this -- I find myself doing the same thing. Not the black side as I am not black but being a part of a group somewhere and kind of letting others know - no this group's behavior does not represent me or represent this particular group as a whole. And that you just feel sorry for the person(s) on the receiving end of the bad behavior.

I've done this after a company function where two drunk male workers were harassing a gay man - we went to him and apologize for these guys behavior.

At youth sporting events (huge area where you get stupid rude parents) - I have apologized to umpires and refs for other parents rude remarks; I even apologized to a group of parents on an opposing team as the parents were saying things about the players --- things like that.

neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 01:30 pm
@Barry2021,
Barry2021 wrote:
But I wanted everyone know, especially the managers of the facility that not all black people are thugs or hoodlums.


And, you think people, especially WHITE people don't know this? Do you really understand that black people don't need you to apologize for them? Do you really understand how racist and rude your actions are?

It's been on more than one occasion where you throw those two men's race into how you see them. As if they were white, they wouldn't have these issues??

You are one sorry mess of a man. Please seek counseling.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 01:51 pm
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

Quote:
But I wanted everyone know, especially the managers of the facility that not all black people are thugs or hoodlums. There are some of us who just apologize for the sake of others. "We're so sorry that this happened."


I get this -- I find myself doing the same thing. Not the black side as I am not black but being a part of a group somewhere and kind of letting others know - no this group's behavior does not represent me or represent this particular group as a whole. And that you just feel sorry for the person(s) on the receiving end of the bad behavior.

I've done this after a company function where two drunk male workers were harassing a gay man - we went to him and apologize for these guys behavior.

At youth sporting events (huge area where you get stupid rude parents) - I have apologized to umpires and refs for other parents rude remarks; I even apologized to a group of parents on an opposing team as the parents were saying things about the players --- things like that.




All parent know that we try to raise our kids with good manners, common sense, and respect for others. But once they get out on their own they adopt a completely new set of standards. My parent's raised me one way but when I moved out I did what I thought was best for me. How many parents who have kids locked up in jail or prison can honestly say "that's how I raised them, to be a criminal"? Probably none of them. So to say I was responsible for him or his behavior is not fair. Around the age of 15 or 16 he started hanging with the wrong crowd and found himself in jail for breaking into elderly people's houses and stealing their medication. The more we tried to get him back on track the more he rebelled. When I saw him and the other guy getting into it what was I supposed to do, just sit back and let it happen? No, I tried to break it up. Sure. let them fight because it wasn't my argument. I was trying to salvage the 6 year old's birthday party. I guess what I can't understand is that as a 52 year old black man how many videos I see all the time of people fighting with a crowd of people around and the majority of them have their cell phones out recording it instead of trying to break it up. My step-son is going on 28 years old. Am I still responsible for what he does at this stage in his life? No! But I have no problem going to others and just simply apologizing for what happened.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 01:55 pm
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:

Barry2021 wrote:
But I wanted everyone know, especially the managers of the facility that not all black people are thugs or hoodlums.


And, you think people, especially WHITE people don't know this? Do you really understand that black people don't need you to apologize for them? Do you really understand how racist and rude your actions are?

It's been on more than one occasion where you throw those two men's race into how you see them. As if they were white, they wouldn't have these issues??

You are one sorry mess of a man. Please seek counseling.


So it's now racist to simply apologize for someone else?

So if I would have posted that my step-son and the other guy got into a fight at a kid's play area / birthday party center and I didn't stop it or at least try but several kids were hurt in the fight or possibly someone ran to their car and got a gun and shot up the place and I did nothing to try and stop it most would be looking at me like, "why didn't you try to break up the fight before it got to that point?" You can't win for losing sometimes.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 02:18 pm
@Barry2021,
You specifically brought up race as a qualifier. Don't backtrack on your racist bias now...
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 May, 2022 02:33 pm
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:

You specifically brought up race as a qualifier. Don't backtrack on your racist bias now...


Oh, I get it. You're saying that because I said " as a 52 year old black man . . . " that equates to being a racist!
 

 
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