Cheating Slave Holder Religions

Conversion out of Lutheranism:

Lutherans convert you with Hebrew mathematical functions. To convert out, buy a prayer candle, with a Catholic politician to verify it's a St. Jude's (such as my JFK candle), a Bic lighter for ease of use, and a cocktail shaker. Smell the smoke after the candle snuff.
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How to convert out of Islam:

Muslims convert you to homosexuality, so they can move up to being heterosexual and take a woman from you. You're expected to do the same, to enslave women, for Islam. To convert out, you need to buy a flask of Schnapps (a "fifth", if you're not a pig, you're clear for this), drink the entire thing without eating past dusk, go to sleep, and wake up and eat bacon, and drink orange juice (no soda, no vegeterian option).

How to convert out of Hinduism:

Hindus practice the slave trade, claiming such false monikers as "Ghandhian" or "Free Tibet".

They try to put a riddle into you, for a thought exercise, based on their reaction to you, so you disassociate out of your mother's maternal image of profession.

You need to get stoned on grass (or purchase melatonin tablets, with a strawberry on them, from a CVS or Rite Aid or Walgreen's or equivalent), while chugging Chinese tea (not iced tea, that's a signature key to convert in).