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Wed 19 Jan, 2022 09:15 am
A few weeks ago I posted a forum about my brother who, after borrowing some $5k from my mom and two of my sisters to get his back rent caught back up last Aug and here we are now at Jan of 2022, he's already gotten evicted again. He's now completely out of his apt with his grown 24 year old son. Well, it seems like every time you turn around he does something else to make you question his thinking.
Yesterday our oldest sister sent out the link in the family group chat wo the site where you can order those free covid tests. Everyone was replying with "yes, I'm going to order some for my house", etc. My brother chimes in and says something to the affect of "You guys go ahead. I'm not going to waste a test when I am not having any symptoms." Everyone was like it's not that you just take a test if you don't have any symptoms but in case you do you won't have to go stand in a ling processional of cars waiting for hours to get tested. Or, even though you may not have any symptoms you could still have covid and pass it on to someone else. It's about being safe. He then makes this statement. "I hear and understand your point. My medical background tells me not to test for a disease when there is no reason to." First of all, you don't have a medical background. Yes, you work in an optometrist's office but the most you do is check people in and put drops in eyes. You're not administering tests, interpreting results, nor are you writing prescriptions. From high school you went straight into the military and the most you did was drive an ambulance in the Air Force. He's not been to college one day for any formal medical training. To me and to us, it's stupid to think that you won't even order those free tests because you don't have any symptoms. No one said you had to use them immediately once you get them but they are good to have on hand if you start feeling sick. Or, you have come in contact with someone to has covid. Be safe knowing you are now living at home with your 82 year old father and 77 year old mother, both of which have health issues.
Here's the next thing that baffles us. Yesterday I was off and we live in the south which was hit by that massive winter storm. Our area got several inches of snow and now ice on the roads. Our mom had a doctor's appointment yesterday so to keep her from having to drive in that stuff I told her I would take her, which was no problem at all. While driving we began talking and she told me that when my brother's apartment complex allowed him to come get his stuff, he rented the largest U-Haul to go move his furniture and put it into storage. He decided to leave behind a dinette set because "he just didn't want it" even though my mom said there was plenty of room on the truck and room in his storage unit. Then my mom told me something that floored me. When we all were younger and starting families of our own our dad made a point to build each grandchild at the time a toy box and a piggy bank. Each grandchild got a toy box and piggy bank made specifically for them. No two were alike. I have picked up on my dad's woodworking skills and have built a toybox and piggy bank for one of my grandkids and I plan to do the same for my newest one in the next year or so. Well, my mom told me that when they were moving stuff from the apartment my brother asked his son if he was planning on putting the toy box on the truck. My nephew said that he didn't want it so they just left it in the apartment. Inside the toybox, from what my mom told me was some of his baby and school pictures when he was little, toys and things when he was little, and stuff like that. First of all, maybe those town may not have a sentimental value but the school and baby pictures sure do. Art work he did in kindergarten and stuff like that. But more importantly, the toy box your dad / granddad built for you with his own hands that's some 20+ years old and would be considered a keepsake to anyone, they didn't feel it was important enough to keep so they left it behind for the maintenance people to just throw out. When I heard that I was livid. I know what it takes to build something like that. Hours and hours of work. Time, materials, money, all gone. I still have my daughter's toy box and piggy back my dad made for her and she'll be 26 years old. All of our other siblings who have kids still have their kids toy boxes and piggy banks. I think the piggy bank he made for him has already been destroyed years ago to get into it to get the money out. One of my other sisters, who doesn't have kids, made the suggestion that if she could find out when they were going to throw the rest of the stuff out she might go by the apt and ask them could she have it but at this point they have probably already gotten rid of it. We are all so pissed at him right now because his thinking is so off. It's like he doesn't care about anything but himself. How do you just leave behind something your father built by hand because you "just didn't want it anymore"? I wouldn't care if you didn't want it there are just some things you don't throw away.
Then when he finally got his truck out of the body shop he texted everyone pics of it to show every "how pretty she looked". Do you think anyone cared or even responded? You and your grown son are sleeping on your parent's sofa and floor because at the age of 52 you haven't figured out yet how to pay your rent on time and all you're concerned about is that the bumper on your truck is now fixed. There's something wrong with you.
Granted, everyone has said to just stay out of it but there comes a point when you need to say something. This is family and not just some random guy or a total stranger. You're putting the health of your elderly parents in jeopardy because you don't feel the need to get tested for something because you aren't showing any symptoms, and, you care nothing about value as to just throw away a toy box your father built for your son when he was a baby. Wake TF up and grow up! My brother has that attitude about not taking a covid test since he doesn't have any symptoms but that didn't stop him last year from sending everyone in our group text the test results to his HIV test. Are there symptoms to that? No, but you were having unprotected sex with a number of random people and just wanted to make sure. Why isn't this any different. Take the covid test just to make sure.
Would I be wrong to say something to him or again, should I just leave it alone.
What would you say and what would be the point? If they're that different from the rest of the family, at their ages, I'd just avoid them. Your parents are enabling them and there's nothing you can do about that, either. It's up to them.
Don't forget, your stepson, with the same mindset, was/is staying with you. Did you kick him out when he didn't produce proof of a vaccine? Did you actually call the police to come and get him? That was your threat.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
What would you say and what would be the point? If they're that different from the rest of the family, at their ages, I'd just avoid them. Your parents are enabling them and there's nothing you can do about that, either. It's up to them.
Don't forget, your stepson, with the same mindset, was/is staying with you. Did you kick him out when he didn't produce proof of a vaccine? Did you actually call the police to come and get him? That was your threat.
Funny you should ask about my step-son. Let me give you the update on him. If you remember, I told him he needed to get vaccinated by that weekend in order to remain in our house. Well, a few days before the weekend deadline he comes in the house high as a kite and I smelled the weed all the way in my bedroom, which he didn't even come into. Him and his gf were standing in our living room talking and giggling. I put them both out and told him not to ever come back in our house smelling like weed. Again, I told him up front I would not tolerate that. Since then he has been sleeping in his car in our driveway. As long as he's back home by 7 PM and in the vicinity of the house he's good with the courts. He's not been back inside the house since. We're in the south so at night the temp drops to below freezing but he's still sleeping in his car. This past Sat we were hit by that massive winter storm that came across the east coast so when we work Sun morning there were several inches of snow on the ground. My wife kept saying "I told them to come in and get warm" and it took me a minute to register what she was saying. Yes, the gf spent the night with him Sat night in the car even though she has her own apartment. What self respecting man would allow his gf to sleep in a car with him on a night there was a massive snow storm coming knowing she has a warm place to stay? I told my wife they would be gone before noon and by 8 AM we looked outside and they had already left, driving in the snow. So he still hasn't been back in the house. No, I do not know if he's vaccinated or not and at this point I don't even care. Why, because he's choosing to go back to sleeping in his car. You have a warm house to sleep in but the only stipulation is that you can't come in smelling like weed and you need to get vaccinated. So you choose to just sleep in your car. Again, what sense does that make?
@Barry2021,
I'm glad for you that he's not there anymore.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
I'm glad for you that he's not there anymore.
Yeah, me too. There's a peace now in this house again that is good to finally have. The wife thinks I'm doing him wrong. But just like my brother, I think that once you reach a certain age and if you keep screwing up making poor decisions that you must face those decisions and not rely on someone else to bail you out. My brother needs to learn the hard way just like my step-son. I don't go running to my parents every time something goes wrong. I either deal with it or go without. I still feel like you pay your rent first above any other bill you have. You can sit in the dark. You can go without cable or internet. You can go without water for a while. But at least you'll have a roof over your head.
@Barry2021,
We were given a load of home tests when we had our vaccinations.
That's how most tests are done over here, at home.
We only go to a testing centre if it's needed for something official, like for travelling or work.
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:
We were given a load of home tests when we had our vaccinations.
That's how most tests are done over here, at home.
We only go to a testing centre if it's needed for something official, like for travelling or work.
You must not be in the states. Here when you get vaccinated they just give you a card to say the date you got your shot. Unless it's changed because I got my first shot in March of '21 and my booster later in the year and neither time did they give us at home covid tests.
Here's the thing. On my other forum many have said to leave it alone since it's none of my business what my mom does for my brother and nephew. But on the contrary, it is my and my siblings business because what they do affects our parents. My brother feels that his children shouldn't have to pay to live at home, no matter how old they are. That's why his 25 year old son is the way he is because his dad has never required anything from him. But this past weekend I was at our parent's house and my mom pulled me to the side and told me that my nephew had 1 week to find a job because he's not paid anything to live there. So I can't stay out of it when I'm being put in it. I can't just look at my mom and say, "well, you let them move back in so you deal with it." We all were there Sunday for our normal family gathering and my nephew was in the living room watching something on his laptop. We were there several hours and not once did I see him get up or even move. I walked through the living room several times and I said not one word to him. I do not have time for incompetence. My brother is sorry and my nephew is sorry. My brother has an older daughter who now lives out of start and she really wants nothing to do with her dad or brother. My parents basically raised her and she now has a master's degree and has lived in several states working for some very prominent art museums. Again, my parents had a hand in that, not my brother. She calls my dad her dad. At some point someone needs to say something to both of them and I feel like it's going to happen sooner rather than later. I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop. My mom even said that my nephew doesn't even shower on the regular.
@Barry2021,
I'm not, I thought you knew that. We get cards too but the last time I went I was offered a home testing kit with five tests.
Obviously threy're not offi ial, so no good for travel etc. but they let you know if you have it or not.
@izzythepush,
Yeah, we can each get one 5-test kit every two weeks when they're in stock. We still have one full kit. I'm not worried about it anyway. I just spoke with a fully vaccinated friend who's just recovering after a 10 day bout of Covid, and spoke earlier this month with another. Nothing will stop you from getting it, so I say wear a mask and distance, but open everything up. Let's get on with things.
Barry - I wholeheartedly agree with your position on those lazy bums in your family. Maybe work on your parents instead of your bro and nephew, though. Before I would allow anyone to stay with me (for any length of time), I'd have an agreement with them about chores and $. That's what your parents should have done.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
Yeah, we can each get one 5-test kit every two weeks when they're in stock. We still have one full kit. I'm not worried about it anyway. I just spoke with a fully vaccinated friend who's just recovering after a 10 day bout of Covid, and spoke earlier this month with another. Nothing will stop you from getting it, so I say wear a mask and distance, but open everything up. Let's get on with things.
Barry - I wholeheartedly agree with your position on those lazy bums in your family. Maybe work on your parents instead of your bro and nephew, though. Before I would allow anyone to stay with me (for any length of time), I'd have an agreement with them about chores and $. That's what your parents should have done.
Trust me, everything was laid out to my brother when the s--t hit the fan and he was evicted and had to move back home. Our older sister has already told him and our nephew that they have 3 months to save up enough money to get their own place. But with an eviction on his record that's gonna be hard to find an apartment complex willing to give him somewhere to stay. Our two older brothers live with our parents and they always have. The never moved out as adults like the rest of the siblings. We know that when our parents pass on the house will be left to all of us but those two brothers will remain there. They help our mom with our father who they both are elderly and my dad is not as mobile and suffers from early Alzheimer's and his memory isn't that great anymore and his mobility is greatly lessened. Anyway, they both contribute to the household bills whereas my other brother and nephew don't. No, it's not fair. It's hard to just stay out of something that doesn't directly concern you, especially when it concerns your parents and is affecting them. Their water bill will now increase, power usage, groceries, etc, simply because 2 extra people are now in the house not contributing to anything. Which of us would just tell our parents "you let them move back in so you deal with it"? Probably none of us if we have that type of relationship with our parents. The last thing any of us would want is for someone to take advantage of our parents, namely a sibling. Again, this isn't the first time he and our nephew has had to go crash on their sofa and living room floor.
@Barry2021,
I agree and understand your feelings and here us a great place to vent. But your brother and parents are adults and all this crap impacts them...not you.
Yeah most of this stuff from your brother is irresponsible, annoying, selfish and uncaring. Your parents are adults and are capable of speaking up for themselves. It will get you no where to state what you want so best to let them to their own devices.
As another thought for your brother ... People value different things ...your brother obviously does not value sentimental things. He probably feels it is just something taking a space. It was a gift ... And know us his so if they don't want it it is their to dump...as thoughtless as that might be.
What do the other brothers living there think?
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
What do the other brothers living there think?
I know one of my brothers doesn't like it. His thought is that our brother blew his money on escorts and paying for sex. Why is one brother and his grown son be allowed to live there rent free and where as the other two have to pay their fair share.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
I agree and understand your feelings and here us a great place to vent. But your brother and parents are adults and all this crap impacts them...not you.
Yeah most of this stuff from your brother is irresponsible, annoying, selfish and uncaring. Your parents are adults and are capable of speaking up for themselves. It will get you no where to state what you want so best to let them to their own devices.
As another thought for your brother ... People value different things ...your brother obviously does not value sentimental things. He probably feels it is just something taking a space. It was a gift ... And know us his so if they don't want it it is their to dump...as thoughtless as that might be.
This does impact me because those are my parents as well and every time I go over there mom is always pulling me aside to tell me what the nephew did or didn't do or what my brother did or didn't do. If someone you care about is being taken advantage of wouldn't you say something? Parent's may not always say something because they will always see their children as kids who need help. But my brother is 52 and this isn't the first time he and his son have moved in with them.
I love my kids too, daughter and step-sons, but I have set rules in our house. If they can't follow them then they have got to go. I believe in tough love not co-dependency.
@Barry2021,
You can always volunteer to take in your brother and nephew. Help guide them with a timeline to save up and apply for their own housing. That way, you help your parents AND your brother, since "helping" is what you want to do.
@Barry2021,
!.Well I have two brothers grown one early 60s the other late 40s who both live with my mother. One is divorced with 2 girls ...one girl is 20 but the other is 13 and has mild autism. The younger lives there a good amount of time and my brother does not discipline her at all and lets her do whatever she wants which includes not picking up after herself and making a mess. My brother does not clean up after her.
My older brother has mental illness of some sort but is able to function and should be able to care for himself. He also does little around the house ... Is messy so forth. He does drive my mom around as she does not drive. My other brother does some small things around the house but neither contributes financially even though the older gets some sort of government assistant due to his mental disability and my other brother works a lot and makes good money but gives none to my mom.
She is an adult ... She complains to me about them especially the older as he does nothing but give her grief. I listen and sympathize. That is what I do.
There are characters in every family.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
!.Well I have two brothers grown one early 60s the other late 40s who both live with my mother. One is divorced with 2 girls ...one girl is 20 but the other is 13 and has mild autism. The younger lives there a good amount of time and my brother does not discipline her at all and lets her do whatever she wants which includes not picking up after herself and making a mess. My brother does not clean up after her.
My older brother has mental illness of some sort but is able to function and should be able to care for himself. He also does little around the house ... Is messy so forth. He does drive my mom around as she does not drive. My other brother does some small things around the house but neither contributes financially even though the older gets some sort of government assistant due to his mental disability and my other brother works a lot and makes good money but gives none to my mom.
She is an adult ... She complains to me about them especially the older as he does nothing but give her grief. I listen and sympathize. That is what I do.
There are characters in every family.
I feel you. The two older brothers who still live at home have no mental issues at all and neither of them have kids. They just chose to stay home with our parents and help them out. Again, the other siblings are totally on board with that. However, my twin has been married and divorced twice due to his own stupidity and recklessness. Like I mentioned on another post when he and his 2nd wife divorced and they had to sell the home they built from ground up, they both walked away with about $26k. Instead of banking the money he went out about bought a used 2017 Chevy Tahoe simply because he always wanted one. But there was nothing wrong with the Trailblazer he was driving. He blew $17k outright on the newer used SUV while living at our parent's house. Yeah, he was homeless then. When my mom says things to me I'll usually say something like, "oh no, they wouldn't be allowed to do that in my house. Nephew needs a job and brother needs to grow up." I don't tell her directly what she should do but I do tell her what I would do. And to the person who suggested I let them come move in with me, "I THINK NOT!" Because if I have to get up and go to work everyday EVERYONE is going to get up and go to work. Nephew is not going to be crashing on my sofa just streaming stuff all day on his laptop. I would require a set amount every week or you're going to take over one of the household bills. When my own kids reached a certain age and they started working I set an amount each month they had to pay.
@Barry2021,
I do agree with the philosophy "if I'm up, you're up" mentality. However, you're griping about a situation you can help with, while simultaneously stating you refuse to help is rather disingenuous. It seems you'd rather pass judgement from afar than actually help anybody, including your own parents.
@neptuneblue,
What do you suggest he do? He does make remarks when his mother complains. He doesn't point things out to her about her behaviour (remember this is the woman who cut a dress of a baby and he was worried about standing up to her), but he does say what he would permit or not.
Nothing you can do when people won't listen.
@Mame,
I suggest he quits complaining so much about his "family." No one, and there's multiple posts to prove it, can stand up to the "goodness" and "caring" of this poster. He will not take constructive criticism, absolutely refuses to help in a meaningful and productive way, downplays his own weaknesses while playing up every body else's.
When asking for advice, it would be helpful to actively listen and then follow through. Instead, this poster ignores anything that resembles a solution and conflates another "story" to garner sympathy to which he revels in. He says "tough love" but it's more of an asshole mentality.
Like you said, Nothing you can do when people won't listen.
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