Thanksgiving Issue: Do I not have the luxury?

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Every year my husband and I alternate Thanksgivings with family. One year we'll eat with my family and the next we'll eat with his. This year we are to be at his parent's for dinner. His mom is cooking all the sides and my husband is deep frying a turkey to take over. Well, he knows I don't like going to visit with him and his family on regular Sundays after church which he doesn't complain about much. But the other day he told me that Thanksgiving is a slightly different thing compared to any given Sunday. On those rare occasions I'll go visit with his family on Sundays I'll drive my own car so I can leave when I'm ready. Usually I'll stay about an hour then head on home. Nothing against his parents but I'm just not that big of being around a bunch of people. My husband said that this is family and not a bunch of strangers and I need to suck it up sometimes. His brother in law can be a bit of a pill to swallow and my husband said to just speak to him and leave him alone. Sit and talk with one of his sisters or someone else. But here's the kicker he told me. Again, given that it's Thanksgiving he said that we would not be driving two cars to his parent's house. One for space. Most of the cars will fit in the driveway but a number of those who get there late will have to park on the street and he said it just takes up too much space. But on top of that he said we're not taking two cars because I was not just going to eat and then leave an hour or so later. He is insisting that I stay there the entire time. He said that on years we ate with my parents he's never driven a separate car then left shortly after dinner. He said he stayed for the entire dinner, desserts, and after dinner conversations. In his words, "I don't have the luxury to just leave when I want to." What do you guys think? Should I follow his lead and just tough it out or should I still just drive my car then go home by myself when I'm ready to leave?

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Maybe grin and bear it. Perhaps, get a hold of some good weed or tranquilizer or just dose yourself with some good quality booze beforehand.
Then just grin and nod a lot while listening to music in your head.

Another more serious answer is to go visit a hypnotist if there is time before Thanksgiving. He'll put you in a relaxation mode, which is wonderful if he's a good hypnotist. Then have him plant a suggestion that you'll be happy and relaxed around your husband's relatives at Thanksgiving. It'll work. Really.

1 Reply

@coluber2001,

The thing is this. His mom is so sweet. She'll feed anybody. The family never has alcohol for dinner which is fine. And none of them do drugs or smoke weed. It's just a nice wholesome family gathering. They'll eat, sit around and laugh, talk about current events, talk about each other, laugh at each other, fix to go plates, then leave. What's wrong with that you might ask? Well, when my husband says something funny I may have done and everyone is laughing about it then I don't tend to like it. That's why I'll leave before anything like that happens. My husband says I should just grin and bear it. "If you can laugh at someone else then learn to laugh at yourself."

Now he's telling me that my sons have to wear masks when they are there since they are not vaccinated. Everyone in my husband's family is vaccinated but my boys choose not to take the shot. My husband and I recently got our booster shots along with a number of his family members so this will be a really safe Thanksgiving. My father in law is in his 80s and has some health issues so everyone is being overly cautious. Plus he's saying that if my sons show up smelling like weed he's going to ask them to politely leave because no one wants to sit around and smell that during dinner.

2 Replies

@Snowed,

Some thoughts:
- Your husband should not be making you the butt of jokes if you are not comfortable with that, it's just common respect.
- They are not being "overly cautious" with an octogenarian with health issues. If your sons are not vaccinated they should respect the mask request.
- You don't say if weed is legal in your state, but either way, you should ask your husband if he would ask someone smelling of cigarette smoke to leave. My guess is he is making a moral judgement rather than having a concern about an odor. It would also be pretty easy for your sons to shower before going to a family dinner so they don't stink either of weed or body odor. If this has been an issue in the past, a hint to them now could resolve the issue.

4 Replies

@engineer,

engineer wrote:

Some thoughts:
- Your husband should not be making you the butt of jokes if you are not comfortable with that, it's just common respect.
- They are not being "overly cautious" with an octogenarian with health issues. If your sons are not vaccinated they should respect the mask request.
- You don't say if weed is legal in your state, but either way, you should ask your husband if he would ask someone smelling of cigarette smoke to leave. My guess is he is making a moral judgement rather than having a concern about an odor. It would also be pretty easy for your sons to shower before going to a family dinner so they don't stink either of weed or body odor. If this has been an issue in the past, a hint to them now could resolve the issue.

My question is this. Is he really making her the but of the joke or is he just saying something she did that was funny? There's a major difference between the two.

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@engineer,

No, weed is not legal in our state and none of his family even smoke cigarettes. My husband will drink a beer every now and then to watch a game or if we're out to dinner. They're not boring people because they do have a ton of fun together. And my husband isn't giving a 10 minute stand up but when he says something about me he'll usually add some "yeast" to the story to embellish the facts a little. Everyone usually gets a laugh out of it but no one is point fingers and slapping their knee. Not to that level. And within a few minutes they're onto another subject. He says it's just family fun. He keep telling me that if I can laugh at someone else for something they do then I'm not above being laughed at too.

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@engineer,

engineer wrote:

- You don't say if weed is legal in your state, but either way, you should ask your husband if he would ask someone smelling of cigarette smoke to leave. My guess is he is making a moral judgement rather than having a concern about an odor. It would also be pretty easy for your sons to shower before going to a family dinner so they don't stink either of weed or body odor. If this has been an issue in the past, a hint to them now could resolve the issue.

And what's wrong with her husband asking his step-sons not to smoke weed before coming to his parent's house for dinner? Not everyone wants to smell that smell. Yeah, it may be legal in some states or even mainstream these days but it's still illegal in a number of states. If they want to smoke it then that's fine for them. But this isn't there house they're going to. They need to respect the house wishes. And the step-father has every right to tell his step-sons not to smoke it especially with an elderly father who has health issues. These boy's rights are no more important than the rights of their step-dad or his parents. Especially at their house. Now if the boys were hosting something at their house they are free to openly smoke weed in front of everyone. But given they are going to someone else's home for dinner, it's not going to kill them to wait till they leave to get high.

0 Replies

@engineer,

engineer wrote:

Some thoughts:
- Your husband should not be making you the butt of jokes if you are not comfortable with that, it's just common respect.
- They are not being "overly cautious" with an octogenarian with health issues. If your sons are not vaccinated they should respect the mask request.
- You don't say if weed is legal in your state, but either way, you should ask your husband if he would ask someone smelling of cigarette smoke to leave. My guess is he is making a moral judgement rather than having a concern about an odor. It would also be pretty easy for your sons to shower before going to a family dinner so they don't stink either of weed or body odor. If this has been an issue in the past, a hint to them now could resolve the issue.

I agree completely, especially with your first point. I think Snowed should ask her husband to respect her feelings and if he's insisting she stay the whole time, he should make sure she's comfortable by not poking fun at her or telling a funny story about her. It's not always enjoyed by the person being made fun of. Some people are more sensitive than others and he should definitely respect that.

I'm glad and somewhat surprised to see Snowed speak so positively and honestly about this family. I think I'd love to have dinner with them.

1 Reply

@Mame,

Mame wrote:

engineer wrote:

Some thoughts:
- Your husband should not be making you the butt of jokes if you are not comfortable with that, it's just common respect.
- They are not being "overly cautious" with an octogenarian with health issues. If your sons are not vaccinated they should respect the mask request.
- You don't say if weed is legal in your state, but either way, you should ask your husband if he would ask someone smelling of cigarette smoke to leave. My guess is he is making a moral judgement rather than having a concern about an odor. It would also be pretty easy for your sons to shower before going to a family dinner so they don't stink either of weed or body odor. If this has been an issue in the past, a hint to them now could resolve the issue.

I agree completely, especially with your first point. I think Snowed should ask her husband to respect her feelings and if he's insisting she stay the whole time, he should make sure she's comfortable by not poking fun at her or telling a funny story about her. It's not always enjoyed by the person being made fun of. Some people are more sensitive than others and he should definitely respect that.

I'm glad and somewhat surprised to see Snowed speak so positively and honestly about this family. I think I'd love to have dinner with them.

I just wonder how many of us don't get a little ribbing from our family during a gathering. Nobody means anything personal by it. It's just family fun. If your skin is so thin to where someone else can't laugh at something you do that's slightly funny then you need to stay at home all the time and don't do anything remotely funny. That's what most families are based on. No one means anything personal by it. Get a grip. Ok, so she's asked her husband not to do it but when the ribbing is focused on someone else, does she run to their defense or does she laugh right along with the group?

Mame, if you're at a family function and someone brings up something funny you did are you feelings going to get hurt because "they're all laughing at me" or are you just going to take it in stride as just being funny? People like Snowed never get invited anywhere because she is the type who can't take a joke. Life is too short to take everything so serious.

1 Reply

@StarbucksFreak,

I hate being teased. And yeah, I've got a sense of humor. A lot of teasing is a cover for nastiness. Then the teaser gets to shout out, "I was only kidding! Stop being so serious. Your skin is so thin. You have no sense of humor."

Yeah, I've heard all that bullshit. I still don't want my shortcomings to be the evening's entertainment.

2 Replies

@jespah,

Just about to post the same thing. And in a family, what's funny at 10 is not necessarily funny at 30. A sister of mine was not so sensitive about something as a kid but she sure is now!

0 Replies

@jespah,

Also, the wife in this case is an outsider, not part of the family dynamic through the years. Regardless, if she doesn't want to be part of the joke, leave her out. That's just basic respect.

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How about taking an Uber or taxi both there and back? Leave when you want, but since it doesn’t sound awfully intolerable there, you may be surprised that you both will leave at the same town.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

How about taking an Uber or taxi both there and back? Leave when you want, but since it doesn’t sound awfully intolerable there, you may be surprised that you both will leave at the same town.

I drive and have a car but my husband wants us to travel together . He said there's no need in taking two vehicles with only one person in each. The joking isn't to the point to where my husband brings up childhood things, granted I didn't know him then. But say I make a new recipe and I put salt instead of sugar in it. Or I leave out the eggs. Or if I'm driving and I run up the curb or something like that. I made a new dish for a potluck at work and I needed to puree some corn. Instead of putting the corn in a blender or food processor I put it in my husband's Kitchenaid mixer with the whisk attachment. When my husband came in and saw it he fell out laughing. Little stories like that. I just don't like his stories he tells about me even though they may be true some things need to be kept at home.

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@Snowed,

You should not have to put up with being the butt of jokes. People who do that have no sense of humour.

The best humour is self-deprecating.

Your husband is insulting you to look big in front of his family, it's horrible. I know exactly what it's like because my father used to do it to me every time we had to stay with his parents.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

izzythepush wrote:

You should not have to put up with being the butt of jokes. People who do that have no sense of humour.

The best humour is self-deprecating.

Your husband is insulting you to look big in front of his family, it's horrible. I know exactly what it's like because my father used to do it to me every time we had to stay with his parents.

But if everyone is doing it to everyone then she isn't the only one being poked fun at. Again, it sounds like they go from one person to the next during the day. Just when it's her turn that she gets upset. It doesn't sound like the minute he gets in the door he starts in on her. "Hey yall, guess what my wife did last week?" It just sounds like normal family fun and frivolity. My family is the same way. Those who can't take it are those who get ribbed the most. Take it in stride that you do funny stuff. If you can laugh at yourself then people tend not to focus on you so much. Own it and enjoy it.

1 Reply

@StarbucksFreak,

You are not being remotely even handed.

Everybody isn't doing it to everybody else. She is the outsider, her husband is ridiculing her from the comfort of his family.

I know what it's like to be the only one different at a family gathering when they all decide to pick on you.

2 Replies

@izzythepush,

izzythepush wrote:

You are not being remotely even handed.

Everybody isn't doing it to everybody else. She is the outsider, her husband is ridiculing her from the comfort of his family.

I know what it's like to be the only one different at a family gathering when they all decide to pick on you.

Looking back at her posting history, Snowed has been in this family some 20 years. She is no longer an outsider. You guys make it sound like this is the guy's new girlfriend that he's bringing over for Thanksgiving dinner to meet the family and they all lay in on her. After 20 years with the same family she should know how they act by now. Yeah, it does sound like a nice wholesome T-giving dinner and everyone enjoys themselves. Who cares if you put sat in something that called for sugar. As long as you didn't bring that dish to the dinner.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

Agreed here...to add .. Even if it everyone is kind of making fun of each other, why would you do this to your wife if it is hurtful to her? Why would you want to hurt another person when you can simply not tell these stories.

Everyone is different and not everyone appreciate s having their mishaps announced to a large gathering. It is simply having care and respect for another person once they explain they do not like this.

Perhaps his wife would attend and stay at more gatherings if her husband was caring enough to see how hurtful this is to her.

You go to some family gatherings and everyone hugs and kisses while for some people that closeness and touching is uncomfortable. To me you accept people and care for them in a way that is mutually respectful and that would include not hugging someone who is not comfortable with that and not liking fun at someone ...no matter whether you don't mean anything by it or not...who does not find it funny.

1 Reply

@StarbucksFreak,

Like I said you're not remotely even handed, you have too much invested in other people's lives and have already chosen sides.

I still feel like an outsider when I see you father's side of the family, and I'm in my fifties.

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