Mon 23 Aug, 2021 12:59 pm
My wife is what you would call an introvert. She hates doing anything that puts her out in view. She hates family gatherings, unless it's her own family. Asking her to get up to read something makes her nervous although she will do it. Forget asking her to speak on anything. Her employers have even told her that she would advance so much faster at her job if she applied herself more. Me on the other hand, I am always out doing things and talking to people. Public speaking has never been a problem for me. Several years ago we both decided to go back to college. Me to finish my degree and her to get a degree. We managed to have a few classes together and she would get mad at me because I chose to sit near the front of the class, whereas she preferred to sit on the back row.
We're member of our new church and about a year ago my pastor asked me to be a deacon. I gladly accepted. At our old church before we left it the pastor had made mention of me becoming a deacon there and I was also willing to serve. I was already the Sunday School Supt. so I was getting up and teaching every Sunday. I was involved in several other auxiliaries and things so it's never been an issue for me. My wife, on the other hand is not as outgoing as me. Not that big of a problem but I want her to open herself a little more. When we go to church once service is over she makes a beeline straight to the car. I normally stay behind to assist the pastor or get with the other deacons and do certain things. I've taught Sunday school at our church, I get up and do the welcome once a month. I'm friendly with a number of the members and speak to them on the regular. My wife doesn't.
This past weekend the women of your church had a women's weekend. That started out with a zoom virtual Masterclass with a presenter and then they all went to dinner Sat night. I saw one of the girls posted a video of the dinner on Facebook with all the other women and it bothered me that she wasn't there. My wife claims to be friendly with several of the women there but I can't seem to get her to get more involved with certain things. And when she says "I'm friendly with them" that pretty much means she'll speak to them in passing. How do I get my wife to be more outgoing with people she sees on the regular? With me being a deacon there are going to be some things that are required of her and she is just not willing to open herself up more. Yeah, some may say I should leave her alone and let her be but I have always wanted her to be more outgoing. This weekend would have been a great time for her to go and get to know some of the other women in the church, have dinner and just chat. I'm not saying I want my wife to get up and give speeches or lead an auxiliary but is it going to kill her to just talk to some of the other women? Maybe have a meal with them. This dinner was sponsored by the women of the church which included our first lady, the Masterclass leader, and the special guest speaker who delivered the Sunday sermon. How do I get my wife to be more open to making new friends. My wife honestly has zero female friends. She thinks that in a marriage I should be her only friend. Husbands and wives should communicate 24/7. I love my wife but I don't want to be the only person she has to talk to.
@Barry2021,
Why is it you just cannot leave this woman alone??
She is fine! You, however, would make the Pope bash in his own brain just to escape your insistent, non stop nagging bull crap.
@Barry2021,
Go ahead and do your deacon role and don’t worry about your wife. Don’t make excuses, apologize or push her into anything.
This is something YOU wanted, not her.
@Barry2021,
I think you need to think about what it means to be an introvert vs an extrovert. Introverts are not anti-social, they just enjoy interacting in small groups and with people they know. Your wife is going to join this church slowly, one person at a time. You can facilitate that by introducing her to people who might share her interests
slowly. Getting introduced rapid fire to a dozen people is not going to help. One person having a real conversation with her will be far more valuable than having a superficial conversation with lots of people. As an extrovert, this is especially hard for you. You get energy from talking with lots of people even if the conversations are not that deep. You know your wife's interests, if you meet someone with similar interests, introduce them.
@engineer,
What an excellent and thoughtful response. Not everyone is comfortable in large groups, and some would think a dozen is large.
What's more bothersome to me, though, is that OP is not happy with much of the way his wife is. He wants to change so many things about her and I'm wondering why he seems unable to see and accept who and what she is. To be fair, she seems to operate the same way.
@Barry2021,
What would your response be if your wife asked how to change you from being an extrovert to introvert …..
Now that is your answer.
@engineer,
Trust me, I'm not trying to change her. I just want her to be a little more open to other people and interacting. Several weeks ago a I was talking with a woman after church and my wife was standing there and she spoke to the girl and the girl spoke back. Apparently my wife didn't like the way she said hello. She grilled me when we got home. She read so much more into the conversations thinking that me and this girl have been talking for a long time and my wife was just in the way at that point. I hadn't seen this girl since early Dec. Again, not trying to change her, just open her up a little more. I do not want to be the only one she talks to and in her mind that's what I should be to her. The only person she talks to. We've been at our current church for a number of years and she still doesn't know people. She refuses to even try to get to know anyone. And I guess that's fine but I just want her to be more willing to making friends. When she's sick then she expects the entire church to pray for her. But when I ask her if she saw what Sis. So-in-so did the first question out of her mouth is, "who is that again?" It's even gotten to the point to where she doesn't even like to follow instructions. Again, we had a women's weekend and the women took over the entire service for the whole weekend. The guest speaker was up Sunday and she asked everyone to stand when she got near the end of her sermon. I was sitting with the pastor and when I looked over at her my wife was the only one still sitting. No one is that anti-social to where if you are asked to stand you don't want to be singled out by standing. You singled yourself out by not standing.
@Barry2021,
I'm not a marriage councilor, but you two seem to have bigger problems. When you say "I'm not trying to change her. I just want her to be a little more open to other people and interacting", what you are saying is you want to change her. When she's doing things like not standing at church, she is making the point she doesn't want to be there (in the most childish way possible). Maybe she doesn't like this church, maybe she wishes you were sitting with her instead of with the pastor, but she's very clearly not happy. You are thriving at church, she is not and your success is probably making her feel worse. I'm not saying she is right or you are right, I'm just trying to explain a possible dynamic. Maybe something to discuss in marriage counseling.
@Barry2021,
With more confidence, I can say that it will not work out. Since a person in such a state of introvert will not be able to, if he strongly does not want to open up to people.
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