Is she that insecure or does she thinks she's just that gorgeous?

@Mame,

It seems that everyone who has replied must think that I know how every piece of equipment in the gym works and I should just show my wife how to use it. In my OP I did clearly say this is my first time in a gym and I was there not to bulk or tone up but just to drop a few lbs for a formal event in a few months. The treadmill is working fine for me but my wife is angry with me because I don't want to try out the other equipment. The issue here is not that I won't show her how to use it but the fact that I just won't use it at all.

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@Pwebster,

Pwebster wrote:

It seems that everyone who has replied must think that I know how every piece of equipment in the gym works and I should just show my wife how to use it.

Strange comment

Quote:

My thought is that she wants to use some of the equipment but is uncertain how to use it and was hoping you would help her understand it and perhaps be a workout partner. Understanding where to set the limits on the pads and seats and how much weight to use is not something you can just figure out on the fly it you've never done it. Of course it is probably not a reasonable expectation of you to be able to help either.

I don't think anyone has claimed you have expertise, only that she might have a barrier to using the equipment that has to be overcome. Just tell her this is not something you care to do together and there are personal trainers out there who can help her if she wants. I'm sure she'll get the message.

1 Reply

@Mame,

Mame wrote:

Sorry, but I completely disagree with this. If I thought it was too chilly, I'd get up and turn the fan off, after asking my husband if he was okay with this.

I would too - actually I would probably ask my husband if he minded me turning the fan off since I'm cold - but that is me and that is you -- and not everyone handles things the same way.

Mame wrote:

Why should HE be the patient one? Why can't she act her age? My God - she sounds like a princess.

Simple as that. She needs to grow the hell up.

Exactly she is a princess - now ask the question - how did she get that way? If they have been married for many years seems hubby must have been allowing this princess behavior and feeding into for years. And he expects it change suddenly because it is bothering him at the gym?

My suggestions were to help the situation rather than cause a flare up. For you for me - a direct answer might be ok, but for a "princess" this will cause a huge fight. So after years of living this way - he wants her to suddenly change?

I am not saying she is right - but what do you think would happen if he came out and said - damn it woman, you are 50 act like it?

He may be 100% right, but do you really think this would be a good way to handle it?

Be realistic - which do you think is better for the marriage? Helping her out a bit and setting an appointment with the trainer for her so he can have the time to himself to work out and she can get off his back and be trained by someone that knows what they are doing even though she is more than capable of doing it herself?

1 Reply

@engineer,

I have told her on several occasions that I have no desire to lift weights. Multiple times. I told her I enjoy just working out on the treadmill and walking a few miles on the different skill levels on the treadmill. She is the one who thinks I should want to try every piece of equipment in the gym. No, I don't want to use every piece of equipment. I'm sure those guys who come there who are buffed and ripped really have no desire to walk on a treadmill. I've never seen any of them on that equipment. If she has a barrier then she needs to go see one of the employees or gym staff. It takes one time to show you how to use something.

Let me say this. I am not trying to impede my wife's weight loss. But I can't use a machine so she can lose weight. That's not how it works. In the past month or so she's probably gone to the gym 3 times. Why? Because I only want to use the treadmill and she doesn't want to just walk on a treadmill. I've never told her "you have to do the same equipment I'm using."

1 Reply

@Pwebster,

I think you make that point again and point her to resources available to help her if she wants to pursue other activities on her own then be done with it.

An aside, lifting weights doesn't help you lose weight. (If anything you might gain weight.) Walking on the treadmill can help a little, but you need to walk the equivalent of a couple of miles to balance out a cookie. For us average, non competition athlete people, weight loss is a lot more about eating right.

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@Pwebster,

Pwebster wrote:

So in your world a man must make himself look stupid and even confess it simply because the woman won't speak in a clear sentence. You are either a woman who expects her man to be beneath her or you're a man who has been "trained" to stay beneath his woman. Get a grip. If you're cold you get up and adjust the AC or turn down the fan. If you're hungry you don't sit there and starve waiting on your man to figure out you want something to eat. If you want to lose weight you don't get mad at your husband and refuse to go to the gym anymore simply because he won't use the same piece of equipment you want to use. I've told her on several occasions that if she doesn't know how to do something you go ask someone. Like I mentioned in my OP, this is my first time in a gym myself so it's not like I've been a gym rat all my life.

Do women really want to be treated like they are helpless and clueless all the time? Their men have to do everything for them. However, as you mentioned, we have to dumb ourselves down so they can be elevated. "I'm an idiot and need things spelled out for me."

In my world - no. But I am adult enough to understand that you treat people differently depending on the person. I am very independent and would not ask my husband to do certain things for me. However, there are other women who feel differently - is that wrong? No, not unless is not working for the couple. Now I could be wrong but "How long have you been accommodating your wife this way in the past?" It seems unlikely if she is 50+ and acting this way that it happened overnight.

Of course it is completely up to up - I provided suggestions on how you could handle it get your way, while at the same time providing (what it seems) your wife needs...a little babying (more than likely because of the way she has been treated her whole life).

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to go ask someone else to help her?

So it is obvious by what you write here - it is not the gym. It is more as pretty much everyone suspected. Is it after years of treating and enabling her princess behavior that it is now wearing on you? Do you want your marriage to work? Which is more important to you bending a bit by as you say "dumbing yourself down" and being a bit more patient in how you speak with your wife or possibly causing a riff in your marriage because now you do not want to treat her as a princess any more?

In the end it is obviously up to you - I know in my every day life - there are people that I would say something like (and I have) sorry but I am a bit slow - could you please walk me through xyz again? Whereas there are others I know that appreciate the direct approach - and I say - your instructions are not clear, could you be more clear and concise.

1 Reply

@Pwebster,

Quote:

The treadmill is working fine for me but my wife is angry with me because I don't want to try out the other equipment. The issue here is not that I won't show her how to use it but the fact that I just won't use it at all.

Then the simple answer is let her be angry.

Not sure how you really let her know. But all you need to do is say thanks but really all I want to do is walk on the treadmill. You do not need to say anything else.

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@engineer,

engineer wrote:

I think you make that point again and point her to resources available to help her if she wants to pursue other activities on her own then be done with it.

Agreed. It is up to the OP to decide whether he continues to let this bother him or not after that.

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@Linkat,

Let me explain something. No, I have never just done everything for my wife. That's not my purpose in life. You never learn to do anything if someone is always doing things for you. Yes, I've done things for her in the past but again, I refuse to do everything. I shouldn't have to go to one of the gym staff and set up a training session for my 50 year old wife. Oh, did I clarify that for you . . . . she's 50. She is more than capable to walk up to the desk and say, "hey guys, can one of you come show me how to use a certain piece of equipment?" That's what "they" are there for.

My wife was raise by parents whose dad worshipped the ground their mom walks on. I love my wife but I'm not going to cut her food, and chew it up for so so she doesn't have to.

"I would probably ask my husband if he minded me turning the fan off since I'm cold"

Oh, that's what you would do but in your scenario to me I needed to tell her I'm an idiot and can you just spell it out for me? How is that fair to me? She's cold but I have to be a mind reader. Again, I don't mind helping her out but I'm not going to hold her land through life and do everything for her. And yes, I have looked her in her face on certain things and said, "you're a grown woman, figure it out." You think that went over well? How would you like it if your man told you "you're (whatever age), figure it out"? Be honest. Would you honestly walk away saying to yourself, "you know what, I am grown so I do need to figure this out" or would you give him holy hell because he made that comment to you?

1 Reply

@Pwebster,

As I said it is up to you how you want to handle this - I gave suggestions that I thought might work for you both and may be a win for you both.

One thing I have learnt in my life - you cannot control other people - but you can control how you handle things and how you respond and react to others. You know your wife better than us - I am sure there is a compromise in there on how you could react that would give you a better response and overall ending result that would work with a little more effort on your side. And what I have found in most cases, if you bend a bit and are kind, you tend to get kindness in return. Yes, you can be right and enjoy being right - but if you are honest with yourself, will that being right make you happier? You might just find that you are right and miserable.

And I am well over 50.

And if my husband said to me something along the lines of "you're (whatever age), figure it out"?

I would be pissed. I expect my husband to speak to me in a caring and thoughtful way; not in an insulting way. Same I would not speak to him in (intentionally) an insulting way like that. Maybe it takes a little bit more effort, but I figure my marriage and husband are worth it. And if I was frustrated and ended up saying something like that to him - I would later apologize - as he would to me.

1 Reply

@engineer,

Yes, weight loss is about more than walking on a treadmill. However, walking on a treadmill is working for me . . . in addition to portion control and cutting back on sweets and things. One thing I do joke with my wife about and I say this all the time, "she's never seen a fork she didn't like." Yes, my wife loves to eat. But the one thing she won't do is stop eating so many sweets. She can't go to McDonald's unless she gets a strawberry shake. She gets mad when they tell her the machine is down. She's gotta have her chocolate dipped cone from Dairy Queen. Those things like that she refuses to cut back on.

Believe me, I'm not trying to be difficult but I've told her several times that I am not the one she needs to speak with about a certain piece of equipment. How many times do I have to tell her that for her to get it? We're both paying to use this gym but she refuses to go ask one of the staff members to show her how to use the equipment. It's not that I don't want to help her, I just don't know myself. I'm not there to lift weights so working out on that equipment is of no interest to me. She no longer wants to work out simply because I don't want to lift weights or use the other equipment with her.

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@Linkat,

Every husband does things for their wives. Every wife does things for their husbands. That's part of any relationship. But I'm not the husband to do menial things for my wife simply because she just doesn't want to do them. If you want to know how to do something go ask someone who knows ho to do it. Her thing is that she feels that if she doesn't want to do something then I have to. And that thing could be something for her. She shouldn't have to turn down a fan because she's cold. I should just want to do it for her. She shouldn't have to go ask one of the trained staff members how to use a piece of equipment, I should go ask them to come show her how to use it. And this issue here isn't as much I won't go ask someone for her as much as it is I just don't want to lift weights with her. I've told her time and time and time again, I'm not there to lift weights. She thinks that if you join a gym you should use every piece of equipment.

My wife thinks she knows more than anyone on anything. She has told me countless times she's smarter than me. I have a master's degree and she has a high school diploma. And no, I'm not telling you that to boost my own ego but stop saying you're smarter then me when we both know you're not.

She was making a pot luck dish for her job one day and I walked into the house. The recipe called for her to take whole kernel corn and puree it in a blender or a food processor, both of which we have in the kitchen. I walk in and she's got the corn in the bottom of my Kitchenaid mixer with the wisk attachment just pushing the corn around.

Again, I love my wife but I'm not going to hold her hand and do everything for her simply because she doesn't want to.

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@Linkat,

I apologize for some of my comments but I just feel that some are saying she's acting like a princess however you're saying "just be nice to her" or "just go ask someone for her one more time". To me that's a definition of a princess. If I stomp my feet hard enough or hold my breath long enough someone will do what I want. The only way you learn how to do something is to open your mouth and ask for help. Don't ask someone who know less than you do. Again, I will do some things for my wife but I'm not going to do everything for my wife so she doesn't have to.

1 Reply

@Pwebster,

Overall, people here cannot help you. I think you came here with your position cemented so you're obviously here to vent, which is fine, too.

You got some suggestions and you've argued against them, defending your position, which I agree with, by the way.

But she should be the one you speak to about this. Continuing this discussion is pointless. Sounds like she wants a marriage such as her parents', where her father worshipped her mother. She picked the wrong man, if so. Maybe that's what you two should discuss.

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@Mame,

Agreed and he sounds as if all was fine with her being a princess when she fit the physical imagine he has of a princess. (obviously I am reading between all cruel lines he said in here about her).

I would have thought you would have both figured out by now (seeing you are both in your 50s) of what you were both like way beyond now.

1 Reply

@Mame,

You're right. I did come here to vent and not specifically come here to solve my problem. I just wanted to get some things off my chest and open a dialog as to what's going on. I have tried all these suggestions before and none of them are working. She's just the type of woman who feel that a marriage should be a give and take thing. I give, and she takes. She shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to which is well within her rights. However, just because you don't want to do them doesn't mean your partner or spouse has to do them. One of our biggest arguments is who washes the cars. She has her car and I have mine but she feels that washing a car is not a woman's job. "What would the neighbors think if they saw me outside washing my car?" Well, they will probably think, "hey, my car is dirty too. I need to go wash mine." I don't have a problem washing her car but I'm not going to wash it every time I was mine. I've even suggested we make a Sat out of it and get out there together but she refuses to do that. However, she'll complain that her car is dirty and mine is clean. Yes, I've washed her car before but I've told her I'm not going to wash your car every time. She feels that she shouldn't have to take her car to a car wash and pay when I can do it for free. This is just how she thinks.

Again, I'm not trying to argue with everyone's post but I do have an opinion. She feels that she should to the minimum amount of work but expect the maximum return. Her thinking is that she's got a gym membership so the weight should just fall off her without any effort on her part. If you don't go and workout AND change your eating habits you're not going to lose any weight. And yes, I can go lift weights with her but me lifting weights isn't going to do anything for her if she's not going and lifting weights herself. And as someone pointed out, lifting weights doesn't make you lose weight. It actually builds muscle mass which is a weight gain.

1 Reply

@Pwebster,

Not that I am in disagreement with what you say here - it should be give and take (both ways), but how long have you been married and how long has this been going on?

To be honest - if you want to work on your marriage and have a better partnership - then it appears you both might benefit from a marriage counselor.

If not and you just want to vent - say so - and type away. Sometimes that is a bit of therapy in itself and prevents you from saying some of these things out loud that come across as cruel and extreme on here -

And as an aside you are incorrect about lifting weights - it does help you lose weight - cardo helps you burn more calories however, weight training can be more effective overall with helping you lose weight (my husband works at gym part time). Here is a good article on the subject.

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/cardio-vs-weights-for-weight-loss#TOC_TITLE_HDR_3

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@Linkat,

"I would have thought you would have both figured out by now (seeing you are both in your 50s) of what you were both like way beyond now."

Let me give you some insight into my wife. She has zero friends. She thinks that I should be the only person she talks to. I should just want to be in constant conversation with her at all times. She has zero hobbies. I love working with wood and building things. When I start a project then she's mad because I'd rather spend my time doing that compared to being with her. It's not that I don't want to be with her but there are other things in my life I like to do other than her. I go spend time with my siblings and parents every Sunday and I've asked her time and time again to come with me but she refuses. She'd rather stay home bored than to come have some fun and some adult conversations with us. Her parents live in our same city and I have to make her go visit them. Her sister is here too and I've told her "yall need to hang out more to get you out of the house." She doesn't want to do that. My wife thinks that I should be her end all be all and I don't want to be her only friend. She needs friends and a life outside of this marriage.

1 Reply

@Pwebster,

Then get a divorce already.

You don't like your wife, you cannot stand the person she is. You won't compromise, won't, won't won't. Won't do this, won't do that...

You cannot possibly even love her, you haven't said one redeeming quality yet. She's a waste of your time, energy and money.

Stick a fork in this.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

One wonders why they married in the first place. Wouldn't any of this arise during the dating and engagement period? I mean, that's what that time is for - to see if you're compatible.

These are two very different people.

1 Reply

Is she that insecure or does she thinks she's just that gorgeous?

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