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Sat 12 Jun, 2021 07:46 am
Went to court with my ex Feb2020 and court ordered joint custody. I am noncustodial parent with visitation. Since the beginning of separation even after court ordered custody and visitation; ex fights with me constantly, needs to be in control of everything. I shrink back, feel she has the upper hand according to the law; because she is the mother. I can't say or do anything; just accept her ways. She has her mother involved. They both play games; she has played games with me since the beginning, manipulating, lying, and threatening me constantly. She has not followed the court order as it states from the start. Changing things up for her convenience or if she is not feeling it. On and off, not seeing my kids regularly with court order. Trying to jump hoops the best I can for her so I can see them. Finding out that she had abandoned my kids with her mother and yet not letting me see them as ordered. As she was gone, moved out for a bit, partying, using drugs, being beat up by a new guy. All proof from Instagram pics she posted, and comments. Plus friends and even my siblings confirming all true because they are still talking to her. She showed up to my house when I was not home, my brother witnessed her bruised face. She also came over another time, trying to come in and hang out with me. She was sent away. All while not following the visitation orders. After December, she fully denies me to see the youngest. Moves the youngest with herself somewhere, abandons my oldest with her mother. The mother is letting me have visitation with oldest all while denying me to see the youngest. Out of the blue after I file court papers, she states "He is not my kid." We were married when she was pregnant, I supported her through the whole pregnancies, at birth, cut the umbilical cord, and birth cert. has my name as father, and child has my last name. Plus he looks like me. She insists he is someone elses and I have no rights to him, even though court order established that Im father and I have visitation. I filed an ex-parte. Because 5 months have passed she is keeping him away. Court denied it. All the while, she has changed her phone number, I only have contact thru her mother. On May 9th, her mother brings the oldest for my visitation, I have evidence she has moved to a new address with my oldest son. Confirmed thru him. When she picks him up, I ask for the new address. She blatantly lies to my face, that they are in the process, however, my son states they already live there. She refuses to give me the address so I kept my son to protect his welfare from being stolen and hidden from me. Does anyone have any advice for me. I fear losing my visitation all together, because Ive kept him. Just miss my kids, and love them so much. P.s. Have paid lots of money out to my attorney, and he is, "No Help."
@Lovemykids77,
Get another lawyer. You're going to need one.
I agree with Jespah. You need a lawyer who will actually help you.
I would add this advice.
1. Document everything. I would communicate everything through email and keep a record. Simply refuse to talk on the phone or in person, That way, when you go to court you can show to the judge exactly what is happening.
2. Don't play her game. She wants a fight. Don't fight. In court, your goal is to show that you are the reasonable parent. So; be the reasonable parent. Don't insult her. Don't yell at her. Don't threaten her.
3. In email, state what you want in a respectful, professional way. For example you can say "I request that you allow me to see my children as we agreed on Wednesday June 23rd and 24th. If this is not possible, please suggest another day". Remember everything you write will be visible to the judge so be firm, clear and reasonable. Remember also that everything she says or does (or doesn't do) will also be visible to the court. So be the responsible parent.
I did this with my ex-wife when she was being difficult. It actually worked well, switching to email and being professional turned down the temperature enough that going back to court wasn't necessary. But if I had to go to court, the fact that I was being professional and reasonable was well documented.
@Lovemykids77,
First things first, you have to return your child to the custodial parent if is not your parenting time. Two wrongs don't make it right. Please adhere to the correct visitation schedule.
Having said that, you do have options available to you for your parenting time. Such as - a police standby. Your x has no legal right to withhold minor children from you. Go to your local police department with the divorce decree that shows your visitational rights and ask them to accompany you to the address where the children reside. The local police will escort the children out of the house into your care. It really is that simple. Of course it's scary for the kids but you can assure them it's needed for them to have access to you. Yes, you'll getting squawking from the x but 2-3 times of a police escort will stop the game.
You can also ask the Court for a Modification of Parenting Time. It's considered a Change of Circumstance where the best interest of the child is served by consistent non-custodial parenting time. Please consider hiring a Guardian-Ad-Litem (GAL) and ask the Court for an In-Camera hearing for the children. A GAL will make an independent investigation of both you and the x's living conditions and interview the children as to their State of Mind. The Magistrate/Judge will also interview the children and then will decide if a Modification best suits their needs, based on the x's refusal to allow you your legal and necessary parenting time.
At this point, get a paternity test to establish the child's heritage. Even if it comes to light you're not the biological father, you are listed on the birth certificate and pay child support so there's that going for you.
What your x does whether it's drugs/alcohol/men is NOT your concern and should not be used as a weapon. As hard as it is, focus on loving your children more than hating your x.
Remember you DO have options, start exercising them.
@Lovemykids77,
I would not get a paternity test. I believe it is legally irrelevant (you should check with tye lawyer). Courts care more about parental relationship...if you have established anparental relationship, than paternity doesnt matter.
@maxdancona,
Thank you, I will take your advice.
@neptuneblue,
Hi Neptuneblue,
Thank you for your advice. Honestly, I have offered to return my son, however she changed her phone number, and when I did get the new number she has blocked me. I have no way of communicating with her except for her mother. Her mother moved and I do not have her new address to take my son there. I have her phone number however she is not responding to me either. 1 month has gone by, no phone calls, mother has not come to my front door. I have had the same phone number for 2 years, the same address for 6 years. She knows where he is. She is making no effort to talk to me to make pickup arrangements or even trying to stop by. So what do i do then. In court on 6/24 I will be letting the judge know I was willing to return him, but I have no address, and no phone contact.
@Lovemykids77,
Then you contact the police - that's what they're there for. You NEED a record to prove your actions, not just talk. Create a written record of actually trying to find her. Trust me, the cops showing up at her door AGAIN over custody will not sit well them them or the Judge.
Look, a Judge has seen a gazillion cases just like yours. It's a "he said-she said" situation where you both will lose. The thing is, you're the one currently out of compliance, and she knows that and will use that to her advantage. So don't play her game.
@neptuneblue,
I don't think I would contact the police. Again, you want to be the reasonable parent. Contacting the police means drama.
Be responsible. Be calm. Put the needs of your children first. There will be enough documentation. I would write emails to your ex outlining what the agrrement is and asking her for a set schedule. The emails should be calm and reasonable showing that you are the reaponsible adult.
That is what the judge will look for.
@maxdancona,
Contacting the police is exactly the most reasonable response. There already IS drama, OP didn't create it, doesn't want it and has no other reasonable recourse to correct his out-of-compliance to Court Orders. His x is going to jump all over that and OP needs to be prepared.
Doing nothing got him into this mess. He needs to be proactive & legal. Emails do NOTHING, Max, it's more play and drama, drawing things out to an unsustainable end. Wanna stop the game? Then STOP the game.
@neptuneblue,
I don't know what you think the police are going to do. There is literally nothing for the police to do (unless you want them to remove the children by force).
This is a situation that should be dealt with in court. There is a judge who will look at the evidence and make a sound judgement. Everything in court can be done calmly and responsibily with no risk to the children.
That's how courts work. You get your documents together, you get legal advice, and you calmly make your case about what is best for the children.
This will be decided in court.
@maxdancona,
I don't know why you choose to be combative every single time I post. I gave OP an alternative than writing endless emails that do nothing. You are not in OP's shoes, does not have to take either of our advise and should not have to read your constant blather.
@maxdancona,
This is from personal experience. When we went to court to work out custody, my ex-wife was accusing me of violence. She went as far as to take out a restraining order. I went 6 weeks or so without seeing my child.
I had to go to court twice. The first was to lift the restraining order. I paid good money for a lawyer. My lawyer said "just answer the questions calmly and let me do my job". My ex-wife got up and presented her case. The judge asked "is that it"? It was a bit of a let down, her case was so weak and inconsistent that the judge dismissed it without my side even presenting its case.
Part of the reason I won this case is that I was calm and reasonable through this process and at no time did I do anything to hurt my child. I waited patiently for the restraining order to be lifted (in spite of the fact I was angry). And, I let the court do its job. I did absolutely nothing that could be seen as irresponsible.
So then I had to go to the custody hearing. She was still arguing that the restraining order was evidence that she should get full custody. I had a chain of emails where her angry accusations were met by my reasonable responses that simply asked for dates and stated my desire to spend time with my child.
The judge made it very clear that he didn't want to hear my ex-wife's accusations. My ex-wife's lawyer actually had to pull her aside to tell her that she wasn't helping her own case. It was actually a bit funny.
The judge asked if there was any reason I shouldn't have joint custody, and then awarded it to me.
The rest of the time was spent negotiating a parenting plan (issues of religion, holidays, etc.).
Judges want to see people acting responsibly. It seemed to me the entire negotiation process for parenting issues was designed to show that the responsible respectful side would win out. This makes sense... you end up with two sides trying to out-reasonable each other, I had a few things that were important to me (vaccinations and religion were issues). The rest I compromised.
@maxdancona,
You are not the only divorced person on this forum.
How you handled your situation may or may not work for the OP.
@neptuneblue,
Did you call the police on an ex, Neptune?
I would love to hear the story. How did that turn out?
I don't see the need for Neptune and I to fight. The OP will be able to read both perspectives and hopefully there is something of value in each.
@maxdancona,
It's OP's thread. I'm not sure why you make it all about you.
There is a another side to this. After the battle is over, the mother of your children is still the mother of your children. You want to win (in that you want to get what you need to have a relationship with your children).
You also want to do as little long term damage as possible. You and your ex-wife are going to be on the same side... both of you wanting the best for your children for 10 or 15 years. And even after that, you are going to need to see each other at graduations and weddings.
I got most of what I wanted in the custody battle (including shared custody). But after that, there were doctors appointments and school recitals and normal problems of growing up. In all of these my child needed her two parents to be able to work together.
Fortunately my ex-wife calmed down and became reasonable soon after the court fight was over. We communicated by email at first to arrange schedule and school trips and vacations. We had to deal with a couple of trips to the emergency room. We learned that the more we worked together civily the better it was for everyone. Years later, and my ex-wife and I can actually hold a friendly conversation.
Hopefully after the anger, you can reach an equilbrium. Remember what is important and do as little damage as possible.
@maxdancona,
maxdancona wrote:
The judge asked "is that it"? It was a bit of a let down, her case was so weak and inconsistent that the judge dismissed it without my side even presenting its case.
Part of the reason I won this case is that I was calm and reasonable through this process and at no time did I do anything to hurt my child.
These sentences don't align. You being calm and reasonable had nothing to do with the judge's dismissal. Read that part of what you wrote again.
As it happens, I agree with Neptune. He's illegally in possession of his child. I would be contacting Child Protection Services or the Court to find out what my options were since contacting mom and grandma is getting nowhere. He can explain his side of the story to them.
My daughter is a CPS worker and I asked her what would happen here in Canada. They would never want to remove the child unless there was potential danger, so likely they would allow him to retain custody while they investigated. CPS workers and the courts are quite familiar with this kind of situation.
But he definitely should contact someone who is is a position to advise and assist.
@Mame,
Please explain how these two sentences dont align. I dont see it. I am advocating for calm and responsibilty and working within the system (recognizing that the judge has the ultimate authority). How is that bad for the child.
It is true that the judge has the final say and is the most important part of tge process. It is also true that judges respond well to parents who are responsible, and respectful.
My advice from personal is to get good legal advice and focus on presenting a good case to the judge. That is the most important part of this.
I dont know if you are just looking for a fight. I dont see what you are actually disagreeing with.
@maxdancona,
I am not looking for a fight.
How they don't align:
You said the judge made his decision based on .... "her case was so weak and inconsistent that the judge dismissed it
without my side even presenting its case."
Ergo, your demeanour had nothing to do with it. Yet you claimed it did.
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