Does anyone here desire revenge after child abuse?

No doubt this is normal.

In the meantime, you don't have to put asterisks in words like punching or kicking.

They're not dirty words.

Thanks for your response, yes it's probably quite common, and maybe even understandable.

LOL I worried moderators would remove this thread if I didn't censor!

Therapy helped me a lot. I am glad to hear that you are starting.

I had two main abusers. The last I heard one was in prison for abusing someone else (I didn't admit I had been sexually abused until many years after it happened). I was happy to hear this. I have no idea if she is out, nor do I care.

My other abuser now currently on psych meds and is now much less of a person. This is a complicated situation because this is a person I am supposed to care about, and the medications make them a different person... for whatever that means. I don't even know who to feel rage, I feel like I was even robbed of that.

There is nothing wrong with rage, wanting to kill is a normal reaction.

It does get better over the years, and therapy helps a lot as does finding people to share with. I wish you the best.

Such powerful feelings must feel pretty overwhelming at times.

Yes, they are a normal part of healing from abuse.

I am very sad that the samaritans somehow did not understand this.

For you right now, because you are wisely seeking therapy, I would just remind you that feelings are not you....you experience them and then they pass. In your case, you are experiencing them intensely and often.

It may be helpful for you not to censure them, or struggle with them, but just accept them and thank them. I wouldn’t mind betting that the strength of your anger and desire for revenge is part of the strength that got you through your abuse.

I’m not sure if the intensity of feelings has been there since it happened or if it has erupted since you decided to get help for what happened. In my experience a lot of people start experiencing this level of anger when they are ready to get help

While you are waiting to see someone who will actually get to know you and work out with you what is helpful, are there things you can do now to help you use the energy from your revenge fantasies helpfully and safely.

Some people like to do intense physical things, like work out, or exercise, or draw and paint. I worked with children and often they found punching bags or trampolining or dancing helpful.

Some kids loved to punch or kick beanbags.

Some people don’t like the intensity and, without denying or suppressing the feelings, liked to do things they found calming or soothing.

I’m thinking you found talking about your feelings helpful and that’s why you were calling the samaritans?

If so, there’s quite a lot of evidence that writing down our thoughts and feelings can be very helpful.

Just as I said don’t try to suppress or deny your thoughts and don’t feel bad about them, I’d also try not to actively hold onto them...but let them pass when they are ready to go.

You have the right to feel whatever you feel about what happened....

What matters is that you don’t harm yourself or anyone else.

I hope you are nourishing yourself with good food and exercise and are in a position where you can plan to do pleasant things.

You are a survivor. You deserve a good and happy life

I'm not sure how I'd feel if I knew my abuser was doing time in prison... I bet it would please me very much, and I could move on easier. The worst thing is if you blame those you care about the most. I hope my rage doesn't ever come out on them. I'm glad to hear good things about therapy helping you.

Punching bags sounds OK. I have stress balls, but they don't do the job. I'll see what else I can get my hands on.

I do get scared to let go, but it's probably the main goal. I guess a part of me believes the fantasies are protecting me somehow. I think you're right that angry feelings may pass through during healing, because it's perfectly rational to feel intense feelings surrounding an attack involving child abuse. Even if it's someone else, because it's a collective trauma.

I could be on the verge of a breakthrough, if I'm tough enough to allow myself to grieve. It's like a bereavement with those angry moments you get whilst you're crying. I didn't understand or get the opportunity to defend myself as a 4 year old. I must be reliving the abuse over and over. Bless you for sharing, it's seriously very helpful!

It took me a long time to get to the point I could feel rage. I felt deep depression and guilt which I pushed into religion (which I don't recommend, but it did give me a safe space for a time and kept me from doing something more self-destructive).

After I was ready to admit what had happened and deal with it I started to feel anger. My abuse happened in my family, the perps are related to me. Someone sent me the new article that the main perp was in jail. I was sad because she had severely beaten a child.... I was pretty dead at that point to any other feelings. There was some talk about us going to testify against her, but so much time had passed I don't think it would have done any good.

Anger is important (and something that is not easy for me). It sounds like you are self-aware enough to act appropriately and that you have already started your process.

The reliving the abuse is part of the post traumatic stress the abuser caused you.

It’s an awful symptom because it really feels as though you are right back there.

Good trauma therapy should eventually help you to manage or over come the flashbacks.

Meanwhile, some people find it helpful to just try to notice their actual current surroundings...focus if you can on what you can see, hear, feel with your body in the here and now.

For some people there was a moment when they knew the episode of abuse was over. Sometimes there is a clear memory of that...it might include a sound, an event like a door closing, a smell. For some it can be helpful to think about that moment and have reminders available to help you start to feel safe.

Although the flashbacks are so intense sometimes we can remind ourselves that what we are experiencing is a memory, it actually isn’t happening now....you are ( I hope) safe. The abuser can’t hurt you now. You have survived.

Some people find it helpful to write down what they wish they had been able to say to the abuser and what they would like to say now.

Abusers tend to use similar tactics to confuse and frighten children. Sometimes it can be helpful to look at those as it can help us see how we are not alone in our experiences and that adults use their power and knowledge in almost predictable ways.

Ok, I hear what you're putting down. And I do appreciate your honesty, but let's face some facts here, no one really understands what you're going through.

There is absolutely nothing "normal" about this. There's no manual or outline that designates who did what to whom or how you're supposed to react let alone deal or even heal from it.

Having said that, your dreams are really messed up.

So now, it's up to you.

You keep mentioning a "they" but you know it's really just you. How you process the past, how you deal with the now and how you see the future is all tied up, nicely in a bow.

So, I'm suggesting a different point of view. No one, and I really mean, no one is coming to save you. You really are all on your own. That's the truth no one talks about or is honest enough to say.

Your question, does anyone desire revenge after child abuse. Well, yes, yes EVERY one does. That's not really the question or the answer, and you know that. What concerns me is the fact you KNOW that and still reject the idea that is only you that can be your savior. You've said it's been intense for a year now and I truly get that, you're ready to pop.

So now you're reaching out. That's such a good thing. Really, I hear you, see your pain, and want to help. The thing is, you've got to tone it down quite a few notches.

Let me introduce you to the art of Forgiveness, A multifaceted, long, tedious process that isn't a quick cure or niceties on an anonymous forum.

Your ideal to seek harm to another human reflects poorly on you. It makes you no different to the perpetrator that harmed you. So I have to ask, is that really who you are, who you want to be or how you want the world to see you?

You don't need therapy to tell you the answer to that. You already know. I think what you're asking is for different suggestions to get you through to the other side of humanity,

So forgive.

Yourself.

For everything.

Once you've done that, you can take the next step, to focus on healing. After all, isn't that your goal?

"You keep mentioning a "they" but you know it's really just you."

What you say here rings true. I'm probably trying to prove to only myself that what happened was violent by matching it with extreme violence. Since I do feel guilt that I "let it happen." I'm not sure that God forbid, the opportunity came along, whether or not I'd actually go through with killing anyone. It's probably more of a what if band aid to compensate for how I would've liked to have reacted during the abuse.

You made some other interesting points, thanks for that.

I feel strongly that you should start therapy. As well meaning as we all are, we are strangers on the internet. We can share our stories (kind of) but there is no real connection here. Several people here have supported your feelings (which hopefully helps). There isn't much more we can do.

Therapy is good for several reasons.

1. A therapist has experience and training on what works for survivors of abuse. You getting help from someone who understands the issues.

2. A therapist can help you work through your feelings to see what is rational, what is normal and what is healthy.

3. It is very helpful to get in contact with other survivors. There are people who understand the experience and will accept you.

I have my own experience and my own strong feelings about what is being said. I can share that if it is helpful to.

I started therapy by seeking out a private counselor who specialized in survivors of sexual abuse. This was after a family crisis pushed me into dealing with it. In hindsight I wish I had sought help sooner.

RAINN (https://www.rainn.org) is a very good organization that does a lot of good work for survivors. They have a hotline to provide support. I don't know exactly what they provide when you call.

This is not something that you should try to sort out on your own. There is a community of survivors and lots of help available when you are ready. I hope that you will take the next step.

Regarding therapy, I hope I will be matched with the right person. I'll probably need therapy for all my life. I hope your therapy was helpful?

This is the very first time I've been open to so many people about this. At this point absolutely anything is helpful. In fact it's been very helpful to post here, so I'm glad I did it.

But like you say, there's nothing like a professional who knows and understands this topic well, especially one that specialises in child abuse cases. Thanks I'll have a look at those links.