What kind of "mom" are you?

I will admit it --- I have been the sneaky mom. Yep I have checked on my daughter - and prior to this virus. Yep driven by to make sure she was where she said she was - I even went into the Y once and made sure she was there and with who she was supposed to be with.

Good thing - my daughter was so self focused - she didn't even see me when I was right in front of her eyes.

I did come clean afterwards and explained why I was checking up on her - I did have a good reason as I had caught her lying before.

Sorry you need to prove I can trust you -- once you break that trust.

My mother, long time gone now (as in last century), was the unpredictable sort. Never had any idea what to expect. It kept us all guessing, though not always on our toes.

Her schizophrenia offered us an interesting time and that could be seen as good (I suppose).

I dunno really, my kids have always done what I’ve told them to do. Then again I always respected their privacy and didn’t tend to tell them to do that much.

I always found parenting to be quite easy to be honest, sorry. In many ways being a single parent is easy, there’s only one voice.

My dad was a complete control freak, my parenting is based on doing the exact opposite of anything he’d do. It wasn’t always easy, but the minute I thought I was sounding like him I’d do an immediate volte face and apologise.

It depends on the kid - some you can completely fend for themselves.

Others - they would end up dead. Seriously.

I heard it all when I was a teacher.

I opted pretty far on the side of personal freedom for them with notable exceptions. I was 100% honest with them, had frank conversations about sex, pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, their rights and where my rights interceded.

I've probably shared this story here before--but my husband died a long death that my kids watched and were affected by--they were teenagers. My son had decided not to drink with his friends until he was legal age. That kid was such a machine, I believed him. I got some hilarious proof one night when he called from some road out in the boondocks at 3AM and said, "The guys are drunk as ****, driving like maniacs. I told them to let me out of the car. Come pick me up." We gave him money for that.

But, his sister was younger and much more sensitive. I was worried about her, knew she kept a diary and wanted so much to "check on her," but I never did. I just tried to talk to her about how she was coping, but her response was always anger. Bringing it to her mind caused more anxiety.

She went from church friends to goth friends over a year or so of this catastrophic time, so I invite them over and my spidey sense is watching.

She was invited to a sleep over and I just couldn't rest about it. Something was up. i can't remember the tip off, but I ending up going to where she should be, finding her not there, threatening all types of arrested parents and promising not to say a word if they gave me the phone number and name of the person she was with--and I promised to return with the hounds of hell if it wasn't the right #.

Ipsofacto, I called where she was, spoke to the boy, who initially said she wasn't there. I persisted with tire iron threats and legal talk about any adult in that house( his poor innocent grandma sitting in the next room, I found out later) being arrested, sued, and beaten to death by me re kidnapping of a minor, if the next voice I heard wasn't hers. He put my child on the phone.

She: What?
Me: Give me the address. I'm in my car and on my way.
She: (Gives address.)
Me: I'll honk the horn. Be outside immediately. If I come in, I'm coming in swinging.
She: You're being ridiculous.
Me: You have no idea.

She didn't speak to me for a few days. That's ok. She didn't leave home for longer than that.

I explained (when she would finally talk to me) that she was under horrific stress and not in good decision-making mode and I was doing my best to help her avoid something she may regret for the rest of her life.

She thanked me.

About 15 years later.

I think you adapt parenting to the people you're parenting.

A funny story. When my son was 15, I was talking to him about some issue. I don't even remember what it was, but I do remember this: He turned his face pretty sharply toward me and said--not in a mean tone at all, but informatively: "Thanks, but your job is done. I don't need your advice."

Based on what kind of kid he'd always been (and the man he is), I agreed.

When this kid was about 30, married, and I was visiting them from out of state, he confronted me about some things he'd been harboring about me.

I was really surprised, but i shouldn't have been. Our family had experienced a good deal of trauma, and some of my responses had been flawed. Some deeply so.

I took a breath and just apologized. My initial feeling was defensive. I'd sacrificed a lot, I'd thought, for my children. I'd loved them much more than I'd loved myself, but I was so grateful in that moment, that I realized he had the right to feel as he did, and the best thing for me to do is listen, acknowledge that I'd been wrong, and ask his forgiveness.

Those kids are by far the best part of my existence. I feel so honored to have been a part of them.

___________________________
Laughing at myself. Sorry I waxed so nostalgic. Bad coronavirus day. I miss them.

I wasn't worth crap as a parent. Oddly, my kids are all good people and they are doing better than I did. Odder still, they appear to love me.

I love your story!

It brought a smile to me. How sweet and honest.

Funny your kids sound a bit like mine. The older girl sounds so much like your son. And my younger daughter yep - sounds a bit like mine - still going through stuff with her.

Yep - although (especially as teenagers) they appear to hate your very existence - they love their parents.

Which is why when one screams at me "I hate you!" I don't get mad (for some reason my husband does) - I just say thanks then I must be doing my job right!