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POSTING IT AGAIN, I JUST NEED YOUR REVIEW OR IF YOU CAN HELP TO IMPROVE PLEASE TELL THANKS!!

 
 
Reply Thu 19 Dec, 2019 05:34 am
Need your opinion, thanksss

A girl with the name of light, the name itself tells about her beauty

Sit with her at 2 am just to listen her angelic voice,

make a single glance and get lost into those big ocean eyes,

And, when she only winds her first word to you, you want the world to stop and bow down to her,

The way she sings to the way she hums, the music that plays when she takes a breath, all you get is a sweet lullaby.

Her long dark hair falls like snow in snowy mountain, every inch of her artful skin screams poetry.

I don't ever want to stop but just keep on loving her.
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McGentrix
 
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Reply Thu 19 Dec, 2019 01:45 pm
@Someonesissue,
Someonesissue wrote:

Need your opinion, thanksss


An honest opinion? Sounds like a crush more than a relationship. It sounds like you may also wear a fedora.


Quote:
A girl with the name of light, the name itself tells aboutof her beauty

Sit with her at'til 2 am just to listen her angelic voice,

make aA single glance my way and I get lost into those bigocean eyes,

And, when she only windsbreathes her first word to you, you want the world to stop stops and bows down to her,

The way she sings, to the way she hums, the music that playsyou hear when she takes a breath.all you get is a sweet lullaby

Her long dark hair falls like snow in snowymisty mountains, every inch of her artful skin screamsmoans poetry.

I don't ever want to stop but to just keep on loving her. That is my dream.

So, corrected (IMO, who am I to judge poetry?)



A girl with the name of light, the name itself tells of her beauty.

Sit with her 'til 2 am just to listen her angelic voice.

A single glance and I get lost in her ocean eyes.

And, when she breathes her first word to you, the world stops and bows down

The way she sings, the way she hums, the music you hear when she takes a breath.

Her long dark hair falls like snow in misty mountains, every inch of her artful skin moans poetry.

I don't ever want to stop but to just keep on loving her. That is my dream.



There is more I'd change here, but then it becomes mine and would probably lose your feel.
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