Must Read News

GREAT NEWS FOR BEER DRINKERS ... SUDS MAKE YOU SMARTER
Must Read News
George Fingle

Albert Einstein downed two sixpacks a day, says researcher Dr. Andrew Martin. "So that should tell you something right there. The old boy had cases of Bud delivered to him no matter where he was in the world. He knew his amazing brain cells depended on his brewskies."

Dr. Martin led an international team of scientists on a three-year study on the effects of beer on human intelligence.

"And the results were clear," he says. "The more beer people drink, the higher their intelligence. We discovered that the two six-pack a day man or woman had an IQ at least 10 points higher than their booze or wine drinking contemporaries. And the more beer they drank, the smarter they were."

More than 200 scientists from the world's great beer drinking countries, including the United States, Germany, Britain and the Netherlands took part in the study. The French, a wine-drinking nation, refused to join in the research.

"And that didn't surprise us," Dr. Martin says. "The French don't drink beer, and in their 1200-year history they've only been smart enough to invent the croissant. If they drank suds instead of swill, they could've been as smart as the Germans -- maybe smarter.

"Alas, I think it's now too late for them. Despite the results of our study, the French government says its people will stick to wine, saying beer is too potent a drink." "Better to be dumb than numb, we always say," declares a government spokesman in Paris.

Dr. Martin says college students who drink beer regularly, graduate with top honors at a rate four times higher than the non-drinkers on campus.

The two six-pack a day grad also climbs to the top of his or her chosen profession faster than the booze or wine drinking colleagues.

"More than 60 years ago, Einstein published his Theory of Relativity to a stunned and admiring world," Dr. Martin says. "But he also led the way to an even greater discovery -- that Bud is brain food."

The researchers found no difference in IQ based on beer types and brands.

"The kind of beer you drink doesn't seem to make a difference," Dr. Martin says. "We found Miller drinkers were just as smart as Bud drinkers, though people who drank nonalcoholic brews were just as dumb as the French."

Dr. Martin says that, based on his research, he will ask the U.S. government to supply free beer to college students, two six-packs a day or the equivalent from kegs.

"This is a golden opportunity for our leaders to ensure a steady crop of brilliant graduates year after year," he says. "And the cost will be minimal, since beer is cheap and plentiful. I believe that very soon we will see a keg for every kid."

MONKEYS TYPE SHAKESPEARE PLAY

Must Read News
George Fingle

The classic puzzle about whether an infinite number of monkeys typing for an infinite period of time would type a Shakespeare play has been answered in the affirmative. Researchers at the Raleigh Institute near Manchester, England, announced that the monkeys in their lab produced a perfect version of "Romeo and Juliet."

"We've been holding our breath for weeks," says Alan Ripshaw, the researcher in charge of the Monkey Project. "We knew the monkeys were getting close, but we've had a number of false starts.

"One time they got to the fourth act of Macbeth, before making a mistake. The monkeys also recently typed out a Thomas Pynchon novel, but that doesn't count."

Ripshaw says he began the project because he was intrigued with the controversy over whether Shakespeare really was the author of the plays bearing his name.

"Some scholars think Bacon was the real author," Ripshaw says. "That's when I had the thought, 'What if they were written by monkeys?'

Ripshaw assembled 5,000 monkeys and an equal number of typewriters. The monkeys were rewarded with bananas every time they filled up a page with letters.

"Ninety-nine percent of it was nonsense," Ripshaw says. "But one of the monkeys put up a blog on the Internet, and it has a big following."

But a researcher checking says the monkeys made a mistake. "In one reference, they called 'Romeo,' 'Romero.'"

Says Ripshaw, "I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Riots In Hollywood After Bin Laden Flushes 'Dianetics'

Must Read News
George Fingle


Osama angers Scientologists with his latest videotaped statement.

Celebrity followers of the Church of Scientology rioted in Hollywood last night in the wake of the latest video from Osama Bin Laden. The video, which aired on Al-Jazeera, showed Bin Laden flushing a copy of "Dianetics".

"Just as the Western infidel desecrates the Holy Quran," Bin Laden said while waving the L. Ron Hubbard book, "so shall I defile the so-called Holy book of those who would spread the godless depravity of the Western way of life."

After his pronouncement, Bin Laden dropped the book in the toilet and flushed.


John Travolta reacts to Bin Laden tape.

"Its an outrage," said John Travolta as he threw a Molotov cocktail through a store window at the corner of Hollywood and Vine. "If he were here right now, I'd give him a damn good auditing. That'd clear up his engrams, but good."

Fat actress and fellow Scientologist Kirstie Alley offered Bin Laden a discount on the cost of auditing, normally priced up to $1000 per hour. "If Osama would just pursue the higher levels of the one true cult, the war on terror would be over. With his millions, he could afford it"

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said the latest tape might prove useful in tracking Bin Laden down. "There can't be too many caves in Afghanistan with indoor plumbing. We already have commandos raiding Afghan plumbing shops and Home Depot locations looking for clues."

The Bin Laden tape seemed to be a belated response to the poorly sourced Newsweek "Quran Flushing" story. Bin Laden himself explained the tardiness of his response, saying it was "a giant pain schlepping this cursed dialysis machine from cave to cave."

REAL-LIFE SPIDER-MAN LIVING IN FLORIDA!
The 92-year-old retired superhero is still alive and kicking

Must Read News
George Fingle

Three decades before comic-book impresario Stan Lee created Spider-Man, a real-life masked crimefighter known as the Human Spider made headlines in Chicago.

And surprisingly, the 92-year-old retired superhero is still alive and kicking in a Miami nursing home!

"My costume was black and red and I wore a cape," recalls Joe Smitherton, who's now on oxygen but is still mobile. "I didn't have any superpowers, but I used the agility I'd picked up as a circus performer to climb up the side of buildings.

"My slogan was 'Hands up, evil-doers -- the Human Spider has you in his web.'"

Few Americans remember what a sensation Smitherton created.

"Police credited him with capturing 540 criminals between 1941 and 1947," says a crime historian. "He did more to bring law and order to Chicago than Elliot Ness.

"It's a shame that he's been forgotten."

Newspaper stories from the 1930s and '40s recount how the Human Spider:

* Nabbed a ring of Nazi spies prying into The Manhattan Project, the top-secret project to create the atomic bomb.

* Tossed six of Al Capone's henchmen off the roof of the mob kingpin's headquarters.

* Scaled a 14-story hotel to rescue a kidnapped heiress.

* Saved the mayor's cat from an electrical tower.

Smitherton retired from crime-fighting when his blabbermouth mom exposed his secret identity at a bingo game.

"After that I went into selling vacuums door-to-door," he reveals.

ARE JAMES CARVILLE & BAT BOY KIN?
-A BLOOD TEST WILL PROVE IT!

Must Read News
George Fingle


BAT BOY has hundreds of living relatives in America -- and famed Democratic strategist James Carville is probably one of them!

That's the astonishing assertion of a Chicago scientist who has just completed the most extensive DNA tests ever conducted on the bat-like mutant.

"My research shows that Bat Boy is closely related to Homo sapiens -- but he shares certain rare genes only with a small portion of the human population," declares Dr. Robert Hensky.

"These individuals have 10 telltale physical and behavioral characteristics that we've identified -- and Mr. Carville appears to score a perfect 10.

"Without a blood test, it's impossible to confirm that Mr. Carville is kin to Bat Boy, but if we go by these outward traits, they appear to be close cousins." Feisty Carville, who steered Bill Clinton's successful presidential bid, is best known to the public as co-host of CNN's no-holds-barred political debate show Crossfire.

While outspoken Carville -- nicknamed the "Ragin' Cajun" -- is famous for being hyper-aggressive, no one has questioned his place in the human species before.

"This news is bound to rattle Carville," says a Democratic party source. "If he and his wife Mary Matalin -- a staunch Republican -- weren't worried about how their kids would turn out before, they've got to be now."

HERE, from the expert, are 10 traits Bat Boy appears to share with his human kinfolk:

1. Bald, misshapen head.

2. Frightening, sharp toothed grin.

3. Comes from the South. "Like Bat Boy, who first surfaced in West Virginia, most of his relatives are found in the South," notes Dr. Hensky. "Mr. Carville was born in Louisiana."

4. Flails arms wildly when excited.

5. Combative. Like Bat Boy, who's bitten dozens of people, Carville relishes a good fight.

6. Weird, cackling laugh.

7. Super-acute hearing. CNN staffers have learned not to bad-mouth Carville behind his back.

8. Physical agility.

9. Dog-like loyalty. "While other Clinton cronies ducked for cover during Monica-gate, Carville stood by his man," Dr. Hensky observes.

10. Navigates in dark. Carville often wears sunglasses at night.

Scientists have puzzled over the origins of Bat Boy ever since the strange feral child was discovered in a cave in 1992. One long-held theory is that the pointy eared freak belongs to a subspecies that diverged from humanity during the Ice Age and took refuge underground.

To test the theory, Dr. Hensky obtained a blood sample taken from Bat Boy when he was treated at a Chicago hospital in 2001.

"My findings support that theory," says Dr. Hensky.

GIANT MYSTERY EGG FOUND IN ARCTIC!
A GIGANTIC egg found by American scientists in the Arctic has been jetted to Washington -- to be hatched.

Must Read News
George Fingle

"No one knows what's going to come out of that egg," says Dr. Amy Renay, the esteemed scientist who made international headlines in the 1970s when she linked the declining birth rates of Arctic animals to increasing levels of DDT in the food chain.

"It could be a dinosaur, it could be a giant chicken -- or it could be a space alien from another world. X-rays, CAT scans and DNA tests will tell us more, but we intend to proceed cautiously.

"The last thing we want to do is traumatize the embryo before it hatches, especially if it's something extraordinary, such as a prehistoric animal, an extraterrestrial -- or even that giant chicken."

Dr. Renay and a team of five colleagues found the partially exposed, 6-foot egg lodged in permafrost while monitoring the movements and mating patterns of polar bears a few hundred miles south of the North Pole.

"Nobody had ever seen anything like it -- we knew it was special from the outset," explains the scientist. "Had we thought that an adult of its kind would be back for it, we would have left it where it was and simply monitored the area with cameras.

"But judging from the size of the egg, it was left here by an animal we aren't used to seeing anywhere on Earth, much less in such a forbidding and inhospitable place as the Arctic.

"That suggests its parents are prehistoric and extinct or extraterrestrial in origin. We decided that in any case, the egg would perish without our intervention."

After chipping the egg free, Dr. Renay and her team called in a helicopter to airlift the egg to Greenland. Once there, it was carefully crated and loaded onto a transport plane for the trip to Washington.

"As soon as the egg has been stabilized in an incubation chamber we'll conduct tests to determine what sort of creature is growing inside," says the expert.

"Something from our distant past? Something from a world inhabited by highly intelligent egg-laying creatures who visited Earth and left?

"I can't wait to learn the truth."

WOMEN'S HOT FLASHES CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING!
GLOBAL warming is caused by the hot flashes of millions of Baby Boomer women.

Must Read News
George Fingle

"The planet is sizzling and females going through the change of life are to blame," says the opening line of a controversial new study.

"There are more than 900 million middle-aged women worldwide in the early stages of menopause who are experiencing what is commonly known as hot flashes on a regular basis," professor of meteorology Dr. Cyrill Sanders told a convention of environmental experts in Osaka, Japan.

"That is why the Earth is warming at an increasing rate and there is no end in sight."

Sanders said he and his team discovered a clear correlation between the number of women entering menopause over the past 25 years and steadily increasing global temperatures.

The researchers acknowledge that the contribution of each woman to the rise in temperature is minuscule -- less than .0000000023 degrees Fahrenheit a year.

But when that number is multiplied by 900 million the result is a yearly temperature increase of more than two degrees.

"In preindustrial times, when the Earth's population was small -- and just a generation ago, when it was half what it is now -- the effect was barely noticeable," Dr. Sanders says. "But with the human population soaring, the damage being done to the climate has become impossible to ignore.

"It's like being at a party in an enclosed space. When the first few guests arrive, you're not aware that each body causes a tiny, incremental boost in the temperature. But when the room is filled to capacity and everyone has sweat stains at their armpits, the reality of body heat then becomes obvious."

Dr. Sanders warns that if the alarming menopause trend continues, in 20 years the heat in what are currently the planet's temperate zones will be "unbearable for humans and become wastelands."

The study has been greeted with skepticism by Sanders' fellow scientists, most of whom argue that the release of fluorocarbons and other greenhouse gasses are the prime cause of global warming -- not menopausal hot flashes.

And the researcher's conclusions have feminists hot under the collar.

"This is what happens when scientific research is distorted by sexism," says Dr. Brigitta Watson, a 49-year-old British scientist who attended the conference.

"It's well-known that the burning of fossil fuels is the prime cause of global warning. To lay the blame at the doorstep of menopausal women is the act of a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal."

MAN'S 174-MPH SNEEZE BLOWS WIFE'S HAIR OFF!

Must Read News
George Fingle

MIAMI - Reginald Kaulman has the world's most powerful sneeze - a gale-force 174-mph scorcher so intense it literally blew half his wife's hair right off her head!

"When Reggie is about to let one rip, I always duck out of the way, but this time I guess I just wasn't quick enough," says wife Natalie Kaulman.

"I could feel that hot sneezy air blasting over my head like a blowtorch. This was worse than Hurricane Andrew and believe me, I know what I'm talking about because I lived through Andrew.

"I was scalped."

Kaulman, a 38-year-old accountant, suffers from a rare sinus condition that causes pressure to build up for days in his sinus cavities, rather than release with normal breathing.

Although he sneezes less often than the average person, when he does, it's with what doctors call "potentially lethal force."

Medical researchers were so intrigued by Kaulman's case that some years back, they subjected his killer schnoz to scientific tests. Incredibly, they found that particles were ejected from his nostrils at 174 mph - faster than the top speed of some cars.

"When I cut loose, everyone runs for cover, because papers and files fly everywhere," reveals Kaulman.

Kaulman's potent sneezes have knocked down dog houses, fences and tool sheds in his neighborhood, not to mention blowing away vases and knickknacks - costing the Kaulmans $31,000 since 1995.

More embarrassing still are the countless toupees and wigs he's sent flying and the many skirts accidentally hoisted at church.

Luckily, Kaulman doesn't sneeze that often - roughly once every three weeks.

"When I do, it's a biggie," he says. "I try to direct my sneezes away from people."

The hair disaster took place as they were driving on Biscayne Blvd. on September 30.

"Natalie was driving and I was looking for a restaurant some friends had recommended," he says. "Suddenly, I could feel a sneeze coming on.

"I turned to sneeze away from Natalie, but there were some kids riding by on bicycles alongside the open car window and I was afraid of knocking them over.

"Natalie looked at me but she couldn't duck in time. Just as she screamed, I sneezed - and I do mean sneezed.

Natalie adds: "I almost lost control of the car. A split second later I looked at myself in the rearview mirror and half of my hair was gone and my skull burned like fire.

"Reggie feels terrible about what happened. But I still love him in spite of his sneezing."

Said one doctor: "My colleagues and I agree that it's a miracle she's alive."


Reggie in the process of another of his harrowing sneezes!


Natalie decided to shave the rest of her hair off after gale-force sneeze from hubby.

MEET THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST HIT MAN...WHOSE VICTIMS ALL DIE LAUGHING!

Must Read News
George Fingle

PALERMO, Sicily -- This Mafia hit man tortures his victims with humor and then blows them away while they are in the throes of hysterical laughter!

Guido "The Goofball" Martinelli is always sure to leave 'em with a death grin.

The killer fires off jokes along with bullets -- so Italian newspapers have dubbed him 'el Comandante di Commedia,' the 'Captain of Comedy,' -- making him the world's funniest hit man!

"I hate people to be terrified in their final moments. I try to lighten things up so they can go peacefully," the fun-loving 42-year-old explains. "If they die with smiles on their faces, I know I've done my job."

While Martinelli refuses to reveal victim's names for legal reasons, he admits he's liquidated more than 85 people.

This wacky wrong-doer has pulled stunts such as dressing in full drag as he gunned-down an enemy mob chieftain and then he wore a fake arrow through his head while garroting an informant.

His wry, wacky and way-out humor is a "hit" with both Mafia bosses and his victims who die with smiles frozen on their faces.

"When you send Guido to off somebody, you just know he's going to do something wacky," says a family capo, who likes to tell about his favorite hit.

"One time Guido had to do a guy at a Chinese restaurant. He stuffed a fortune cookie with a message saying 'Man who shoot off mouth must expect to lose face.' When the guy opened the cookie, he busted out laughing, then Guido splattered his brains like egg foo yung all over the wall."

The mirth-making murderer says his lifelong ambition was to be a clown, but his family dashed those hopes.

"My parents insisted I go into the family business," he recalls. "So I combined my dream with my profession."

While Martinelli's personal arsenal includes the usual guns, knives, brass knuckles and explosives -- what really hits his targets between the eyes are his whoopee cushions, joy buzzers and fake dog poop!

He admits that getting a laugh out of someone who is about to be blown to bits is a challenge. Sometimes even his best material falls flat, even after hours of practice before a hit.

"I want to see tears of laughter, not tears of sorrow," says the merry murderer.

Martinelli pulls out all the stops to get a laugh. "One time, this lady judge went down on her knees and started in with the 'Please, please, don't,' business," he says.

"I was at my wit's end. Nothing I said could get even a smile out of her."

It wasn't until he dropped his drawers that the frigid fraulein unfroze.

"When she saw my big, goofy boxer shorts with hearts all over them, she burst into hysterical laughter -- and that's when I capped her.

"They say when the cops found her, she still had a huge grin on her face," a mirthful Martinelli recalls.


Guido getting ready for his next job.

Montage Marking.

Reyn, these are the most delightful bits and pieces that I have had the pleasure of reading in some time.

I was especially taken with the SNEEZE, Reyn. Hey, that lady's survival was amazing, no hair and all.

Also, my friend, I like the monkey version of Romeo and Juliet.

I think you have added a new dimension to Ripley's BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

Thanks! George and I are hard at work to bring only the best news to readers of this board.

Man demonstates backwards pushups!

Must Read News
George Fingle


Jim Poole, 31, from Manchester, England, did a demonstration today in front of media showing the benefits of doing backwards pushups. He says it's very relaxing and calms the nerves. The only problem is that Jim needs help from his wife, Rosanne, to "unpretzel" himself back to normal.


Rosanne says she's glad her hubby has found a hobby, but it can be annoying having to untangle him all the time.

Reyn, She needs a dip for that pretzel. So clever, dear.

Ah, well maybe that will make it less annoying!

Hmm, cannabalism. Could be the makings of another story.... :wink:

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!
Experiment with Wilbur, the moose, gone awry!


Wilbur with his new legs.

Must Read News
George Fingle
May 28, 2005

Today the Canadian Institute For Marvellous Discoveries, based in Manitoba, announced that their experimentation on a moose had taken an unexpected turn. As the above photo shows, Wilbur has developed a set of human legs.

"The original experiment was to clone Wilbur and see if it could be done on a large animal", says Garth Smitts, chief scientist at the Institute in charge of the test. "Somewhere along the way, something went horribly wrong!"

Sally Smeckley, who was running another cloning experiment in an adjoining lab to Smitts, thinks she may know what happened. "In my test, I was cloning parts of humans and seeing if it would work. Specifically, I was using my own legs for this experiment. I believe I carried a vial of extract to Garth's lab while I was looking for some cream for my coffee. Us scientists are such an absent-minded lot, you know. Anyways, I presume that he accidently used it with his test on Wilbur and kinda "cross-pollinated" him, so to speak."


Smitts is still hoping that something good can come out of his experiment with the moose.


"Oops, but I think Wilbur looks great with my legs, don'tcha think?"

We endeavor to bring only the best to our reading public here at A2K! :wink:

In her lonely struggle to assure that the truth is not hidden, Reyn soldiers on . . .