Touching hair

I confess to it. Years ago I worked with a black male who'd moved up to Vancouver after serving in Nam. Great guy and we became great friends. One day, as he was sitting and I was standing, I noticed a little piece of white paper in his hair. Or rather, on his hair. It hadn't been able to penetrate even slightly. This struck me as remarkable and I asked him if I could touch his hair. He laughed and said, "Sure". That's a dude to dude thing so it was free of sexual complexities but it perhaps helps us understand the urge.

In another case, when I was in my 30s, there was a lady in one of my education classes (we knew each other fairly well) who had the most amazing hair. Without any sexual intent on my part, I asked if I could touch it. Her response was not a duplication of that earlier incident I mentioned. I was a bit shocked at the time. I'm not shocked any longer.

I think we humans (and likely most other primates) have a genetically-based range of responses to hair and other indicators of good health or fecundity. Such genetic inheritances do not, of course, grant us any sort of licence in how we behave with others but there is explanatory value here.

ok, thanks for your answer.

However, the complaints of women whose hair is touched doesn't seem to have anything to do with sex.

As far as your example with another guy, and you're saying it wasn't a sexual thing, but that it perhaps helps us understand the urge.....no, it doesn't help me at all. The urge to what?

As far as indicators of health/fertility, have you also touched other peoples hair? I'm assuming you're white blatham. Have you ever walked up to a white woman and touched her hair? Or a white guy? Not including someone you're romantically involved with.

The complaint, and I totally understand and agree with it, is that someone, even a stranger, walks up to you, and as if you are a thing, or belonging, they touch your personal body.

I'm not at all confused as to why a person would be angry if someone did this. I'm not familiar to having seen this happen at all, let alone with the frequency in which it's claimed to happen.

Thinking back, I'm sure I have pulled a string, or lint or piece of paper out of someones hair. But not before saying "You have a piece of string in your hair" and then, knowing they don't know where it is, pulling it out and showing them. Race/color didn't enter into it. That's like a common courtesy thing, like letting someone know they have spinach in their teeth, or that they need to do a booger check.

Anyone else ever done this? The hair thing.

I have naturally curly hair. I just touch my own stuff.

Someone tried to touch my hair but only got skin. No hair on top of my head.

I cannot imagine invading someone's personal space in that way. Just seems strange to me.

I used to wear my hair very ‘spiky’ and stiff. I can not recall the exact number of times some had asked to tough the hard spikes, but I’d estimate it was over 50. I was in my late teens and early 20’s. I’m a white guy.

My hair was different and people were curious.

Me neither her sister.

Beyond the obvious you can just reach out and touch me like I’m here for your personal enjoyment/use type of thing, there’s other elements. In no particular order, and not all inclusive:

The person styled their hair a particular way, and you’re messing it up. Only once that I can remember, some guy I knew slightly reached over and simply pulled on a basic ponytail I was wearing. Boy did he get a look from me. After that, just this small part of the hair on my head felt pulled out of whack. Really annoying. Couldn’t wait to get to a rest room to fix it. Can’t begin to imagine someone plunging their hands into my hair.

Over the day or days between washings, hair picks up odors, dirt, natural and applied oils and other products, and why would anyone want to get all that on their hands? I mean really. Gross. This goes for everyone’s hair.

I don’t know, I just keep coming back to this thing where women say it’s happening to them on a daily, or neat daily basis. Where?

Yeah but they asked for permission.

Have you never had an urge to feel the rich texture of moss? Have you never responded positively to feel the softness of a cute stuffy or the smooth sheen of silk? Or to feel the smooth flowing curves of a piece of beautiful pottery? If it is the case that many women complain about others wanting to touch their hair, then I think we have to acknowledge that there's something quite human in this urge given how common it seems to be. From birth, touch is a key way we experience the world.


To be clear, I've never touched someone's hair in such a manner without asking if I could. So for me, the question would be, 'have I ever had the urge to touch a caucasian's hair?' Sure. Darn near every commercial for shampoo features a beautiful head of hair fanning out in slow motion and part of such advertising is a suggestion of how it must feel. Don't you think?

That's a great example. And you've just reminded me of a time I was standing in a line up for a movie when I felt someone tug my ponytail. When I turned it was two young women (20+) and one said, "I just love men's ponytails". I wasn't offended and didn't feel weird about it (I probably would have if genders were reversed) and kind of admired the woman for being that adventurous and light-hearted with a stranger.

Moss and smooth pottery is not something growing out of another persons body. Another person is not an inanimate object that can just be felt, picked up, done with as you will.

As far as advertisments for hair, it makes me want to look, not touch.

As far as wanting to touch the hair from a commercial with clean hair, I find it strange that if it's connected to the head it's fine to want to touch it.....or in the case of real life, apparantly wanting to touch hair that has God knows what on it, but as soon as a strand become detached, it becomes an object of disgust, or something to be discarded.

You find a stray hair on a restaurant table when you sit down, you'd be apt to wonder how thoroughly the table was clean. If the hair appears in your food, you refuse to eat the food. You'll complain to the staff.

Yet, it seems people are willing to touch others, or their own hair, then put their own hands in or near their eyes or mouth etc.

Most of the time yes, but probably 10-20% of the time, they did not.

I do think my male privilege and above average height/size makes this less creepy to me personally though. I could see a woman having a different experience.

Unrelated note, but I’ve been running an AirBNB out of my basement apartment for about 18 months now, and if there one thing you’ll get cured of quick, it’s any sort of squeamishness over stray hairs. People shed a ton of hairs and being forced to find and clean every last one of them for the next guest to do the same can be exhausting.

Good point.

However, even a a woman, albeit a white woman, I really don't think the problem is the creep factor.

It's the "you think you can just touch me like I'm an object, or (keep in mind more or less recent history) you own me."

Even as a white person, there's this feeling of possessing the other. Being entitled to do what you want.

Again, the whole thing isn't about why it's weird, wrong, etc.

I'm just wondering about people who say this happens to them on a "daily" basis.

Maybe it's that every day Something happens that makes the person feel like they are not being treated as a human, and they are collecting all those things, including the hair thing, and putting them into one catagory.

Now that I can believe. The fact that many people have at least something happen to them on a daily basis, regardless of what it is.

Two separate things going on here. First, the aspect of why we might reach out to touch something that has stirred our curiosity. Second, the aspect of personal preferences in physical sovereignty.

I’ll add too, that it was probably 98% of the time it was a woman who wanted to touch my hair. Mostly women who were at least my mothers age or older.

So? I hope there will soon be more than 2 things going on here.

Physical sovereignty and personal preferences trump "urges" and "stirrings" on the part of another. That goes for anyone from children to the elderly, and includes any feeling of entitlement on the part of the other.

This just stirred a memory of a story my husband told me.

When his daughter was quite little, they were both at a Christmas gathering of friends and family. Some family member had given her a cute dress, and she didn't object when her parents put it on her so others could see. However, after everyone looked, she went by herself into the other room, took it off and put her other clothes back on.

Some "friend" of the family who hadn't seen the dress basically demanded the child go put it back on. She said she didn't want to. The woman told her to do as she was told and go change so she could see the dress (it wasn't even given by her).

My husband in no uncertain terms told this woman that is daughter wasn't a plaything, she had a mind of her own, and to back off. Even if the woman had asked, and not demanded, this still would have been true. And anyway, what is a sweetly worded request sometimes nothing more than a sugar coated demand?

So....because you the an urge, or want to see, feel or do something in no way obligates the other to comply.

Urges are small and temporary. Preference and physical sovereignty are long term or permanent.

Wants, urges, desires are intricately and forever woven together with preferences and physical sovereignty.

Of course not. That seems to me a moral given.

So then, why would you compare or equate in any way touching moss or cotton balls with touching a person?