My boyfriend earns more than me.

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. I earn half his salary and have made no secret of this. He has always paid for dinner/ outings when we go out and refuses when I offer to pay for things. 2 months ago we planned a spa weekend away, we found an amazing deal at an exclusive spa resort. Even though the deal was good it was still quite expensive as it was a top end facility. To my horror my boyfriend said to me “ I suppose you’re waiting for me to pay for this too”. This really upset and offended me - when I asked him what he meant by this he said “ I pay for everything else don’t I”. Again this really made me feel uncomfortable as I have offered to share costs of our dates on many occasions and he has always stopped me from paying. He is fully aware that he earns substantially more than I do, he works in investment banking where as I work for social services. After our heated argument he apologised and let me know that he had said that because it was the truth he did pay for things but it was not meant in a negative way and I had misinterpreted him which I thought was a complete lie to end the argument. Anyway I offered to pay half the cost of the spa and he agreed that we split the cost. long story short I ended up paying the total amount of the spa facility as he said he would rather transfer his share to me and I agreed. 2 months down the line he hasn’t paid me back, hasn’t brought it up and I’ve asked on a few occasions he’s said he will get around to it but hasn’t paid me back, so today I asked him again as I really needed the money and he said to me he has paid for x y and z and doesn’t ask me for the money so why should I feel I need to ask for that money back - he said it wasn’t even that much compared to what he’s had to spend on me. I’m just confused at his response because he knows my financial situation is not like his, I feel very unequal to him at the moment especially with his comments and responses, why does he feel he can behave this way with me, should I forget about the money as he has paid for other things for us? This has put me in a real rotten mood and I’m thinking to end our relationship.

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Type: Question • Score: 11 • Views: 1,736 • Replies: 52

You have found out he is not a generous man, so that’s sonething you will have to consider in the future.

But it really sounds like he is getting resentful about paying ALL the time so be sure that your generosity shows itself, too, once in a while.

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@PUNKEY,

He's resentful about paying all the time, but he has also been refusing half payment all the time. I do believe he's got some mental conflicts going on. Maybe he's mad at himself for declining her previous offers. Difficult to see what's going on from this distance.

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@Concerneduser,

I see his side of the argument. It isn't fair for you to expect him to pay for everything. Really... it is logical that you should pay for exactly half, the difference in salaries shouldn't matter.

In a good relationship, both people work this out responsibly. I make a fair amount more than my currently girlfriend (and I do pay more)... but if I ever felt like she was expecting me to pay more, it would feel awful. No one wants to feel like they are being used.

If you can't work this out, then you should leave him... not because you are right and he is wrong... but because you don't care enough about this relationship to make it work. (And by the way, morally he is correct. In a dating relationship two people should split the expenses evenly).

Either make it work.. or break up in a mature way. There is nothing wrong with either choice.

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@Concerneduser,

The issue is you had an agreement on expenses and he is not living up to his end. Regardless of what was spent before, he agreed to split the vacation with you 50/50, you made plans based on that assumption and now his failure to pay is putting you in a hard spot.

IMO, there is also something else going on here. It is one thing for him to treat if he invites you out and picks the place. Just how into the spa vacation was your boyfriend? Maybe this wasn't his cup of tea and he resents being asked to spend a lot of money on an exclusive spa weekend when that is not something he enjoys. Of course he should have told you if he wasn't interested instead of bagging you, but maybe he thinks you invited him on this and you should pay. (Again, he should have clarified this beforehand.)

I think you have two options. You can break up with him and consider it a lesson learned or you can change your dating habits, only go to places were you can afford to pay your share, then refuse to let him pay for you. Food trucks can be good dates if you have good company.

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@maxdancona,

I do agree with what you’ve said. Relationships should be equal in terms costs.
If I was in a better situation financially I would happily pay half of every cost that we have incurred but that’s not the case so it’s very difficult for me to do this.

I am not and have never been a user. With my previous partner we shared all costs so I agree with you on this one but Our costs were not high or extravagant.

We had an agreement with the spa cost and he hasn’t followed through with it.

I’m baffled at the part where I don’t care about this relationship enough.

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@Concerneduser,

Another option would be that you alternate picking dates and he pays for the ones he picks, you pay for the ones you pick. That way you can both pick places where you are willing to pay the bill. If that means you alternate between the Ritz and Joe's Pizza, so be it.

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@engineer,

This made me laugh a lot, but this is very helpful! Thank you

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

I see his side of the argument. It isn't fair for you to expect him to pay for everything. Really... it is logical that you should pay for exactly half, the difference in salaries shouldn't matter.

Sure, but I think you missed the part in the op about her having attempted to go half on all dates and his having refused. In any event, they had an agreement about payment on this spa thing. He has dishonored his agreement.

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@roger,

I agree with you on (both) of your points.

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@Concerneduser,

He sounds unstable to me.

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Dump him.

If this is an issue now, it will be in the future too.

Next boyfriend, just be clear on expenses up front. The more you talk about this the better it will be.

5 months is nothing.

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@Concerneduser,

Concerneduser wrote:

We had an agreement with the spa cost and he hasn’t followed through with it.

I’m baffled at the part where I don’t care about this relationship enough.

He has shown his true colors and that he is not good for his word. That is a character flaw.

Furthermore, he has shown how little he values the relationship And where he places his priorities.

Sorry to say, but if I were you, I’d withdraw and cut my losses now.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

This is another thread where I wonder if the answers would be different if the genders were switched. Everyone seems to agree that you should break up with this guy. It looks like I am the only one suggesting that you should learn something from this about how you can be better in your next relationship.

I stand by my belief that in healthy relationships both people care about each others feelings and when a disagreement happens both people listen and work to figure out a way to be fair. If this isn't going to happen... then absolutely you should call if off (if he doesn't leave first).

My point is that you are going to have to learn to work things out in your next relationship too.

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@maxdancona,

My answer would not change.

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@maxdancona,

Quote:

This is another thread where I wonder if the answers would be different if the genders were switched. Everyone seems to agree that you should break up with this guy. It looks like I am the only one suggesting that you should learn something from this about how you can be better in your next relationship.

Roger said it best in earlier post and I think it is extremely pertinent and worth repeating:

"Sure, but I think you missed the part in the op about her having attempted to go half on all dates and his having refused. In any event, they had an agreement about payment on this spa thing. He has dishonored his agreement."

1 Reply

@Real Music,

If all of these things are true, and there is no other side of the story... then sure, the prosecution rests and the defendant is guilty as charged.

I don't know how this helps the OP.

I don't believe that good relationships work as court cases, and I do believe that good relationships mean two people caring about each other and putting in the effort to make things work.

I see no reason to write this guy off based on the post of the other part of a failing relationship. There is no reason to think that he won't be able to make someone else happy.

If this thread is going to have any value to the OP or to anyone else reading, we should discuss what she could have done differently.

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My BF make 3 times as me. He never lets me pay for anything, even though I have tried. I never take advantage of this situation.

So how do I “even” things out?

By doing other little things that show I care about him. This can be as simple as picking up his favorite candy for him, finding a book by his favorite author, remembering his grandkids birthdays and making sure the cake is ordered, etc. These are little things, but he appreciates stuff like this. Money cant buy “connection.”

I’m willing to bet that there are things wrong with this relationship other than money issues. He’s not feeling appreciated.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Quote:

My BF make 3 times as me.

I never under-estimate the importance of wardrobe, make-up and grooming.

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@maxdancona,

Quote:

I see his side of the argument.

What side of the argument are you talking about? Every time the OP offer to share cost on their dates/dinners he always refuses her offer. What is she suppose to do when he refuses to let her pay?

Quote:

Really... it is logical that you should pay for exactly half, the difference in salaries shouldn't matter.

What is the OP suppose to do when he repeatedly refused to accept any of the OP's
offer to pay?

Quote:

In a good relationship, both people work this out responsibly.

What is there to work out? All he has to do is allow her to pay when she has obviously offered to pay.
He is the one who is refusing her offer to pay.

Quote:

In a dating relationship two people should split the expenses evenly

You are implying that she has not offered.
You are also implying that he is not guilty of refusing her offer.
What is she suppose to do?
How is this suppose to be worked out?

When she offers to pay half on a dinner date and he refuses and don't allow her to pay, what in the hell is she suppose to do?

Max, have you actually read the thread of the OP?

The OP may not be telling us the whole story. I really don't know.
She might be leaving out important details. I don't know.
I am basing my response on what she posted on her thread.
I don't know what you are basing your response on.

Lastly, the spa agreement to go half and half was clear with no misunderstanding. He basically took advantage of the OP for not sticking to the agreement. That makes him a low life piece of scum.

1 Reply

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