9
   

Does this guy like me?

 
 
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 02:33 pm
@maxdancona,
Maybe you think that saying "suck my dick" is a term of endearment. In which case, most posters who have answered firmly believe it is not.

If I were talking to someone who wasn't in high school, my advice would be different. But she isn't. And that's where teachable moments come into play. I see your point in asking the original question, "Does This guy Like Me" and my answer is, no, he does not. He wants sex, not her.

You think it's ok to use vulgar language as an expression of sexual identity. I don't. You consider that prudish and I'm totally comfortable with that. I've taught my children there is over 10,000 words in the English-Oxford dictionary. I'm sure she can come up with something more eloquent than "**** you" and he could do better than saying "suck my dick."

But hey, if that's what you teach your kid, have at it. But it doesn't make ME wrong for disapproving how this is being handled.


maxdancona
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 03:02 pm
@neptuneblue,
Quote:
Maybe you think that saying "suck my dick" is a term of endearment. In which case, most posters who have answered firmly believe it is not.

If I were talking to someone who wasn't in high school, my advice would be different. But she isn't.


Most posters here probably haven't been to high school in at least 30 years (am I wrong)?

I have a teen aged daughter... they are pretty vulgar with each other, they call each other "whore", and "slut" as terms of endearment. It drives me crazy, and I tell them to stop it when I am around (it is only rarely that I happen to overhear this type of talk), but that's what many teens do. If it is consensual and everyone is OK with it, it is part of being a teen.

It is up to this young woman to decide if this is offensive or not. I fully support the message that she can stop it, or walk away if she chooses.

But if she likes crude sexual humor and chooses to participate (and everyone else is OK) then who are you to judge? She said she likes crude jokes, that is her right.

If one of my friends told me to suck their dick, I would take it as a joke. A co-worker friend of mine gave me the middle finger because of a discussion at work over competing technology (i.e svn vs. git... two engineering tools with religious followings). In one sense it was highly unprofessional and inappropriate for him to make an obscene gesture at work.... but he is a friend and I took it as a joke.

She gets to make the judgement for herself. The word for this is "empowerment".

neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 03:13 pm
@maxdancona,
Well, ok then.

I rest my case.
0 Replies
 
bowie80
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 08:49 pm
@bowie80,
Wow. I appreciate some of the replies that were actually not insulting me or someone else, but seriously.... why can't people ever not be online without fighting? Anyway I just was asking a simple question. I really do appreciate some of the replies but I honestly think most of you just don't understand. I know I could've walked away if I wanted to. I didn't feel uncomfortable. We're friends, he really is a nice person, we were all in a group and he just was joking around. Most of the replies were seriously insulting and I don't know why you have to put someone down like that. In some cases, yeah maybe this would be like how you portrayed it as... but it's not like that. I know there are other words to use, trust me, only a year ago I used to never cuss and say people who did just had a small vocabulary. Although, I know it's not great to say things like that, but I'm okay with it since I know myself and I know that If I needed/wanted to really express myself I could - without saying things like that. I would make it clear if I did not like something alright. It's just joking around.
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 09:03 pm
@bowie80,
I am sorry you had to put up with that.

Trust your own instinct and be clear with what you want. That's what really matters.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 09:29 pm
@bowie80,
bowie80 wrote:
Although, I know it's not great to say things like that, but I'm okay with it since I know myself and I know that If I needed/wanted to really express myself I could - without saying things like that. I would make it clear if I did not like something alright. It's just joking around.


The thing is, you teach people how to treat you. You've taught this guy it's ok to not take you seriously, to disregard what you say and to use vulgarity to catch your attention. That isn't a joking matter.

You're setting yourself up for some pretty good heartache in the near future.

Although I do agree with Max's advice, he's also speaking as if you were a 35 yr old woman, and you are not. Your identity will undergo some changes as you get older. But for now, learn what you say and do have consequences that may not be in your favor. This guy thinks you are an easy lay by the way you talk and act. It's not something that you want to go through high school being known like that, no matter how "nice" you think he is.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 09:57 pm
@bowie80,
Have you seen the movie Blockers?

My daughter asked me to watch it. It is a movie about a bunch of overprotective parents trying to stop their daughter from going through with their plan to have sex. It is funny, and makes some valid points.

The movie points to the double standard; no one worries about boys experimenting with sex (at least not as far as "consequences" to themselves). But when girls want to experiment with sex, or express sexuality, or even to use vulgar words, adults are shocked and outraged as if these delicate little angels will face "dire consequences" should they express their sexuality.

I teach my daughter to be assertive in relationships. To communicate clearly what she wants and to make sure that things that are good for both her girlfriend and her. I don't teach her to avoid adult life, and I didn't teach my sons to avoid life either. The idea that young women are delicate flowers who will be spoiled by sexuality or vulgarity isn't healthy and we don't feel the same way about young men.
neptuneblue
 
  3  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 10:12 pm
@maxdancona,
I don't teach my children to avoid adult life, I ask them to to be prepared. In which case being prepared to be spoken to as vulgarly as possible is not what they are willing to accept in their life.
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 10:28 pm
@neptuneblue,
I am curious Neptune,

If you found out that your daughters were using vulgar language with their friends (without your knowledge) how would you react?
neptuneblue
 
  3  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 10:49 pm
@maxdancona,
My daughter just turned 18 and is a graduating senior. At no time has she uttered obscenities, although she may think it. It's just not her nature. She surrounds herself who are like minded, where self control is important. So I don't worry too much about it.

My son is 21 and has an extensive vocabulary due to the many disciplinary actions on my part to curb his swearing through out the years. Having said that, it seems the game "Call Of Duty" makes him have more colorful language that I would like. He does understand when vulgarity is appropriate and when it's not.

At no time is "suck my dick" has ever been said by either one of my children. They just don't think it's appropriate to say.
bowie80
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 11:05 pm
@neptuneblue,
Just so you know, I'm not going around using vulgar language all the time. I actually don't a lot. I have good self control. Also, when you said "At no time has she uttered obscenities" .... she probably has. My parents don't know I cuss. In fact, they would say the same thing as you - That I haven't ever "uttered obscenities"( well except for dirty jokes. Which BTW my mom and I make with each other). Not saying your daughter does now, since she is older she probably doesn't because it is childish tbh, ( Yes I know, I am the one who uses that language sometimes, I admit it's childish) but she probably used to. Of course I could be wrong, but I'm just speaking from experience from myself and others. Just saying that you probably should't go around bragging about that. ( I'm of course not trying to offend you by this, and I'm sure you're a great parent and you've raised great children. Not being sarcastic either- I want to clarify since know it's hard to tell online).
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 11:28 pm
@bowie80,
My daughter doesn't use obscenities because she doesn't want the same punishment I used with her brother. She learned using that type of language is detrimental to her way of life -- having to deal with me. She just would rather not have that kind of relationship.

Again, a teachable moment comes when you KNOW it's childish yet do it any way. How is this benefiting YOU in any way? Shock value? Rebellion? Hey, look, you're not the first, nor will you be the last to say things you don't mean.

But you're crossing the line from being a child and being an adult. And as such, your words matter. Now, it makes a BIG deal on how you handle yourself. And you're acting poorly, it's leading down a path that will cause issues.

You're teaching this guy to go above and beyond shock value. It can lead to actions, either on your part or his, that is beyond joking and into problems.

Neither of you are ready for that.

maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Jan, 2019 11:50 pm
@neptuneblue,
1. It is not true that that vulgar language is childish. Humor changes as you age, but people in their twenties enjoy a good vulgar joke, as do people in their thirties and people in middle age. You should listen to how professional engineers talk.

2. I have never punished my kids for swearing. I never saw any reason to. My kids understand that the way they talk to their friends is different than the way they talk to their grandparents. Responsibility means knowing that the circumstances are different.

I have a group of friends I can let loose with. When I am in a professional meeting I am quite professional.

3. I find it hard to believe that anyone's kids don't swear among friends. Adolescence is a time of experimenting. You hope your kids have your values... but every teenager does things that their parents wouldn't approve of, and part of growing up is learning when to follow their parents rules and when they can break them.

Most of us come out OK.

4. I teach my kids what is important. My kids know what I think about drugs, and sex and other things. I tell them why things are dangerous... rather than just give them a set of rules.

As our kids grow we have less and less control. We have influence, but not control... and part of parenting is realizing that you need to let go. My belief is that the best strategy is to talk honestly to kids and accept that they aren't going to follow everything we say. If we treat them with respect, they will listen to us in the important things.

0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Mon 21 Jan, 2019 11:02 am
@bowie80,
IMHO the problem here is not about use of language. This is about the basic issue of having respect.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jan, 2019 02:03 pm
@bowie80,
I for one believe you are a pretty savvy kid bowie. You communicate well, and seem to have done some thinking on who you are.

That said, I also don't believe you came on here strictly to ask "does this guy like me?"

Quite frankly, no one here can possibly tell you that. You're also aking some other, deeper things, and "does he like me" is your starting point.

Everyone here who has responded are adults, some much older than you probably realize. That doesn't mean we don't understand you, and haven't been through the same things. We have.

Yes, this is 2019, but don't think for a moment that your age invented saying **** you or Suck my dick. I know you would say "oh I know that", but yeah, you do sort of believe people before you Really didn't say it as often, or in the same context as you and your peers do. Yes, we do know that kids your age call each other slut or whore in a friendly kidding fashion. It's just a word. Maybe the popular word wasn't slut, whore at some other time, but yeah, we called our closest friends a dick, bastard, asshole, retard, prick, fuckhead, skank, ****, and many more, all in good fun. Or we dealt with having someone continue to do something you don't want, even though you repeatedly say no. (BTW, you might say that this boy in question stops when you say no, but obviously he does it again at a future time. No means no today, and tomorrow, until you say ok.) I kinda got a chuckle in a previous post you made when you said something like "most of the kids in my high school do that, in case you didn't know."

Yeah bowie, we know. You don't need to point out particulars of differences. Even though our ages are different, we have a lot of common ground.

The reasons we have differences is because we've lived through it, made mistakes, decided over time what was right for us, and who we are.

Which brings me to another thought I've been having. This isn't in any way meant as an insult to you. It's addressing you where you are in life right at this time. And I'm addressing you from where I am in life right at this time. We are both changing. There is no end point.
So that said, I would be very leary of anyone who professes to you that you are anything like fully capable of making serious decisions about sexuality, your ethics about certain things, etc. Notice I didn't say you're not capable, I said Fully capable. Especially about sexuality. To me, this feels like grooming behavior. I speak from experience.

Put it this way. If you just got your learners permit to drive, or your license, I'm not going to tell you it's fine for you to drive from New York to California, because you really want to, and so that must mean you can.

Dealing with these things is a process, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You don't need the kind of pressure that comes with someone telling you that you are able to decide what you want in really important things.

I said in a previous post that a teen's brain is not fully developed yet. That's no insult to you, that's a biological fact. That's why you and your friends sometime make perfectly atrocious decisions....and you know you do. Wink . Like neptune also said, in so many words, no one can expect someone in high school to make a decision the way a 35 year old can, or would. Someone older just has that many more life experiences, has learned from mistakes, and has hopefully come up with better strategies.

Even that's not a guarantee. Some adults also make terrible decisions, and can't take responsibility for the outcomes. So, if I can't rely on another adult to decide who they are, what they really want, what's important and what will cause them problems, how can we think that a person who has a much more limited time frame, is interacting mostly with other people who have not fully developed brains, and who decide to do things drive into a lake, can make fully responsible and be accountable for decisions?

The word respect has come up many times.

Honestly? I have quite a bit of respect for you, and the way you chose to return and have a discussion with other. Many young kids come and ask the exact same question you did, "does he/she like me" and then just disappear (is the term ghost nowdays?)

I don't completely buy it when you say you are totally ok with how you're being spoken to. If you were you wouldn't have brought it up.

I can only speak for myself, but if it was a close friend, and it was obviously it was in good fun, and only was an occassional rife we played with each other, then ok.
If it became a habit, and/or I felt like there was more behind what was being said, as in I really don't respect you, or at least not much, and can say any old thing I want with no regards to your feelings, then no, not cool, and I would say so.







bowie80
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jan, 2019 02:56 pm
@chai2,
Thank you for your help. I feel better about everything now. I will not be returning after this though, since I feel like I shouldn't really worry/think about it anymore. I really do appreciate it though. Bye! Smile
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jan, 2019 03:51 pm
@bowie80,
Good Luck!
0 Replies
 
bryangreene
 
  -1  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2019 09:36 am
@bowie80,
How funny. Life is not a bed of roses.
0 Replies
 
 

 
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