On death and dying

Thanks Sturgis.

Dr. Lazarus, that is the best!

I'll be honest with you, I have my moments, obviously.

Overall though, and probably amazing and looked askance upon by some people, I'm really and truly ok.

I decided today was the day to update. The time was just right.

This is his journey, not mine. He's not ready to go anywhere, or even thinks about it....yet. He's honestly just in what the day brings.

I'm on my own journey.

He's not complaining about not being able to breath, although it's obvious a lot of the time it is.

I keep myself busy. Not like to act like something isn't happening, but what's the alternative? To sit around and worry?
Yeah, I worry, but keeping up my own life keeps things in perspective.

I think about stuff like, everyone makes such a big fuss when a baby is born, and it's obvious you know of a lot that are born every day.
But dying is just as common as being born.
No one acknowledges that though.

It's a sign of the times.
If you're old and ill, just go off somewhere and don't make anyone see that side of life.
Unless that is, you're either famous and die suddenly so everyone can announce to the world how awful they personally feel about it, or some random person who had the good sense to die in such a way to produce a huge sense of drama/outrage/criticism, etc.

I mean, that one 4 year old that accidently fell down into a canyon and dies, or the guy that dies in a boating accident on his honeymoon deserves so much more attention that just a normal everyday death. Right?

People are just drawn to any opportunity it seems, to make what they consider a contribution to some strangers life, if it's a good story on social media. Because really, it's all about them, not the person who died.

dlowan, I want to respond to you, but I have to go out a bit first.

Listening.

Me too. I'm just not good with appropriate words.

Ah Chai - just one big that sucks-

Really wish I could say something deep and thoughtful - but unfortunately I cannot - but I am reading, listening and hearing you girl.

Kirk passed away on 1/12/20 at 2:19pm.

It was not a traumatic death.

The day before had been a really good day, and that was good.

I'm sorry.

Glad he had one last good day before he left.

I'm thinking of you......I just don't have the words right now,

That's a comfort, truly.

Oh Chai.

How many feelings you must have.

Wishing you well.

Yes roger, it was great.

His daughter is here, and was able to spend a lot of time with him.

On that day, he was feeling really good, appetite was excellent, and there was a lot of laughing and joking. Towards 4pm I saw he was gettting tired, but that would be normal.
That day when I had first got there, he wanted to talk about some things, and the conversation made him feel better about my future (he was asking me about my plans if something happened to him). So I know he was at ease about things he may have been keeping to himself.

I called him around 10:30 this morning (actually yesterday, I see it's 3am) and asked how he was. He said he was a little breathless, but I noticed something and thought about it after hanging up. His voice was sounding very deep the way I'd always known it to be. It hadn't sounded like that for weeks.

I was planning on being there at 2pm and spend the afternoon & early evening, but got delayed. Then I got the call. When I called his dtr. immediately, she was actually just getting ready to drive over for a visit.

When I did arrive at the hospital (had a horrible experience in the elevator going up there, but I don't want to talk about that right now except to say I hate people) I asked the nurse the particulars, and she gave me the details.

It all happened quickly, within like 5 minutes. His oxygen saturation dropped off, they gave him morphine and ativan so he wouldn't feel pain or anxious. They were trying to get the saturation up with the mask, and he just dropped his head forward, stopped breathing, and his heart stopped.

I went into the room, and I could immediately see by his face he was at peace. I mean, I know they had to rearrange his body are arms and such, but they couldn't make his face look like it hadn't gone through trauma.

I sat with him awhile, and it felt very intimate, calm and loving. I saw he was still wearing his watch so I went to take it off. I realized how comfortable I was doing that. I mean it felt good knowing we had been so comfortable with each other for so long, I didn't find the fact he was dead as morbid or anything negative.

His dtr arrived, but chose not to come in, which was fine. She was really glad we all had a good day yesterday.

All that had to be done was pick a name from the list of crematories, and the hospital takes care of the rest. He didn't want a funeral or any kind of service or memorial, and for that I'm glad.
That would be a stress on me I would find almost impossible to handle.
It just wouldn't be in the low key style we both lived.

You always hear how the funeral/service is for the people who are alive.

Well, to be quite blunt about it, I don't feel I'm responsible for other people coming to terms with his death.
If anyone wanted a gathering enough, they are welcome to coordinate it and do all the work themselves. I would have no interest in attending.
We were both way past the idea of doing something for the sake of propriety.

I spent the evening going through his phone and making calls to family and some of his friends. His siblings are spread over the whole country, and are all older than him. They're fine with just knowing. Some of his siblings had died already, and it was the same situation.

I'm awake now because of all things I got at call at 2am. Had just managed to fall asleep.
It was from the Lions Club. Some slow talking woman who I managed to figure out by finally blurting out to her "What are you saying? You want his eyes?" And yeah that was basically it.

He had cataract removal years ago and had no corneas. His eyes would be useless to them.

I was so angry I got up and looked them up, and saw that you can obtain the corneas up to 2 to 5 days after death. And this woman had to call me 12 hours after I lost my husband, in the middle of the night to ask. She even said "if this is a bad time, I can call you tomorrow" I hung up and blocked the number.

I hate people.

I'm going to bed.

Good lord, there is stupid, and then there's stupid.

I'm glad you had that one good day, not just with how he felt, but how you talked. I'm sure you're in a swirl of feelings. I don't have the words, except to say that we're here, and we're listening.

Sitting quietly, but hating people, too.

oh Chai I am so sad for you.



Oh Chai this made me cry - how sweet! He wanted to make sure you were good

To Everyone, Thanks.

Just so you know, you don't have to have the "words"

Just be yourselves, and I'm talking about here and IRL.
For me, Linkat saying How Sweet (yes, he did want to make sure I was going to be ok), roger saying he's glad there was a good day,or Jes saying "there's stupid and then there's stupid" and Joe Blow sharing her hatred of people, mean more than you can imagine.

It's a reflection on your inner self, and not some parody of what you're "supposed" to say.

You guys seemingly had that one premium day that Im hoping my wife and I can have.

Jes and Joeblow, let's hate on the stupidity of the elevator person now.

When I got the call yesterday, while listening to the doctor, in a detached sort of way I noted that I was going into some sort of shock. Felt hot and cold at the same time, general feeling of disassociation, etc.
I'm glad I observed that, as that way I didn't let it get the better of me, and knew it was normal.

I grabbed my big fuzzy sweater jacket and left for the hospital, only 2 and a half miles away. I got out a lot of loud wailing during the ride. I can say though I was very safe driving. Really.
When I got there and stepped out of the car, I realized walking into the hospital that I was unsteady. For whatever reason, I felt better bundling up the jacket and holding it to my chest, and in front of my lower face. That way I felt invisible, and that I could just keep my head down and focus and sort of teleport myself to the 7th floor.

The hospital was quiet as it was Sunday. I arrived at the central elevators at the same time as some woman in her 40's rolling a suitcase. She could obviously see the state I was in, as I was all snotted up and making occassional gaspy sounds, holding a fuzzy jacket in front of me like a life saver ring.
Elevator arrived and was empty, we got on, I said "What floor" and punched hers (the 5th) and mine.

As the door closed she said brightly to me "Are you going up to the maternity floor?!"

These are times you don't think. I wheeled around and said in some voice that wasn't mine, "I'm not going to go see some babies! My husband just died!"
Saying that hit me bad, and I involuntary bent double at the waist and a **** ton of emotion poured out. It wasn't pretty.
As I was straightening up, she says "Oh. Because my mother is up there and she's got ballo......"

"STOP! JUST! STOP!"

At that moment the elevator door opened and she ran off like the hounds of hell were on her heels.

They were.

I hate people

I hope that for you too farmer, and for everyone.

May I extend kind wishes to you in the days and weeks to come.

And my sympathies concerning the elevator experience. You are not alone.

Gadzooks people really have no ******* clue how to get out of their own bubble.

The response is, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." or "My condolences." Or just silence. FFS