On death and dying

I met a really interesting and delightful couple the other day. Marissa and Melvin.

A few of the pools here have reopened with limited hours and other restrictions.
I was waiting in line to get in when they do the every 2 hour turnover, and as it happens got to talking to them. They were behind me with their 2 daughters, maybe 6 and 8 or 9.
They had moved here from Costa Rica about 9 months ago. It was interesting to hear Marissa tell how the cost of living was actually higher there, and comparing and contrasting living in both places. Melvin stayed pretty quiet, just saying a few words for clarification or expansion.

After getting in the water, at some point we 3 adults continued our conversation. They moved here because of his job. Something about the technology system in the VA.
She had been a doctor, an anesthesiologist, which I thought was facinating.
She said she probably wasn't going to go back to it any time soon, between the kids, the credentialing, and just needing to take a break.

She said that the being around the frequent death and emergencies had started to wear on her. Understandable.
That indirectly led to me mentioning my husbands death, and they both asked about that. In part I said that one of the worst parts, as I've said here, was the people, who although they (at least they thought) meant well, just had this agenda of "wanting to help" and want you to "feel better", not necessarily (or ususally) because of the circumstances, but because they personally felt comfortable being around at a time where they had no control over the situation.

Marissa nodded and said "I know, it's awful" Then she said that even in the short time she's been in the states she's seen how uncomfortable people are around others grieving, as compared to CR. She more or less said "Americans are always trying to DO something"
Then Melvin said that he was Jewish, and that in his religion when someone dies, in the first days before the burial the dead person is not brought up. It's the time for the deepest grieving that cannot be expressed or comforted. Then he continued that the grieving period is supposed to last a full year. Allowing time to be able to continue life.

I listened to him and said "Those are such wise words Melvin"
Marissa said "My husband doesn't talk much, but when he does, you should listen"

That's too personal to talk about.
Those are things that can't be expressed at a language level.

I have to go out before a store closes. I'll be back.

shes been gone for about 11 hours, Im beginning to worry.

Chai?

yes , she usually comes up with some wit and I watch for her views.
We need a BOLO and an APB. You check all bus depots airports and ship terminals. Roger can check all major trails to the Gold Fields, Ill act as a data center.
Get with and -be careful out there.

MELVINNN ???

Oops sorry.

No, I didn't drive into a ditch. Just wasn't, well, here on a2K

Hope you’re as ok as can be expected right now.

Oh yeah, I'm ok.

Fine even.

The closings on the houses are on the 10th and 11th.

Today I was gathering up a couple bags of odds and ends to put into the recycle bin, the otherwise would have to go out with the junk hauler, after the few belongings I want to keep are moved to the new place.

Came across the couple of clothing items of Kirks I want to keep and put them in a moving box. A leather jacket, a pair of boots, a gun belt.

I put the jacket over my head, and breathed in deep.
Oh man.
Tears have been leaking since.

I just went back and read about half the pages of this thread.

From the date he was diagnosed with cancer to his date of death was exactly 4 months.
I will say that he handled that entire chemo and radiation process with bravery and dignity.

I was proud of him.
Reading back about his times of confusion, I don't know how I went through that. In black and white it seems so obvious. But not when it's a day to day thing.
I will say I am never putting myself in the position to have to go through that with someone else every again. Not just the last year, but the whole thing. **** that.

Funny thing today, in a dark way.

So tomorrow the movers come.
Today, I ferried over some belonging to the new place that either weren't worth packing, were stuff on wanted on hand immediately, other boring reasons.

It filled up my car including the hatch, and it's 100 degrees. So by the time I got in to drive, I was sweaty heart beating hard more from the heat than exertion, and generally wanting the next few days to be done.

I laughed while driving, thinking what the reaction of people would be that 7 months ago said "let me know if you need anything"

I would just ask for help schlepping things into my car because "I hate the heat" and wait for the reasons why they couldn't right then.

Then I'd say "But you told me 7 months ago if I needed anything....."

Yeah. The statute of limitations for that is something like 3 weeks tops.

"let me know if you need anything" probably applied to you as a neighbor. If you're moving, well, you aren't a neighbor, are you?.

No.
It was said to me by mainly others.

My observation reflects what I said before that it’s mainly said in an attempt to make themselves feel better. They want to fix you right away so they don’t have to look at your sorrow. But there’s nothing to fix

I don’t blame anyone. It’s human nature. Their saying things like that fills up the ugly space they don’t want to or are capable of looking at.

Shewolf would come over and we would laugh and then I’d be crying and she would simply wait for me to get done. That was good.

Of course I still cry, but now I have the benefit of people not caring or asking how I’m doing. I’m glad that’s over.

I think I understand, kind of.

Today is the 1st year anniversary of Kirks death.

It's a big milestone, and I feel a big amount of relief and release.

Until a year goes by, it's more, "in the present"

The razor sharp and jagged edges have all been smoothed to some degree or another by the winds of grief.

Even this day, shortly after the time he died, I feel an increase in emotional and mental energy. Like, it's been a year, now I can start this project. Now I can try something different and new.

One thing I have discovered, to my delight, is that I totally love living alone.
It's wonderful that each and everything thing in my home is of my choice. That I don't have to take someone else into consideration with my decisions. Everything is done at my pace. It's a real joy.

If it wasn't for COVID I feel like now would be the time I would find a volunteer opportunity. That will come, I'm in no rush.

I want to thank everyone who read my raw emotions during the year prior, and after his death. It means more to me than you know.

I'm also glad I started this thread, since I am so bad at remembering time frames. This has been a good place for me to refer to.

Thanks everyone.

I'm glad you refreshed this thread. Hopefully this isn't a selfish add-on on your thread but last night during a tv show, there was a scene where a dying mother tells her daughter how much she's loved. I know it's the standard teary version of noble death and love................but out of the blue my eyes filled up and I sat and sobbed ........My mother died in 1995 after a 13 year losing battle with Alzheimers....after all this time it just snuck up on me. It's been 25 years and I missed my mother and was overwhelmed that she is gone and that she didn't know who I was for at least 10 years prior.

I don't cry easily (unless it has something to do with animals, and of course weddings - go figure) but after all this time it just hit me.......

Grief is so peculiar, I'm happy that you are coping so well and your attitude is healthy..........just keep in mind it sneaks up on you from time to time......I think it's pretty normal........

I hope you don't mind me piggy-backing on your thread.

Of course not glitter. We all have something to say about our experiences with grief.

Yes, that breaking out sobbing can catch you so off guard. Where did THAT come from?

So glad you are feeling better and enjoying your new life.