On death and dying

Went to Walgreens earlier to get my prescription eye drops. I hadn't been in there for a month.
It's a big store, like 5 pharm techs working all the time.

All "the girls" in the pharmacy department loved Kirk. He was always a big flirt.
Quite frankly, even though of course he was old enough to be their grandfather, he was always able to convey to the ladies that he could get the job done. Like moths to the flame.

I was being helped by someone I'd never seen before. When I said my name when asked, 3 of the "sweet young things" as Kirk would refer to them, snapped their heads around and I heard "OH! Mrs Chai! How are you doing?" We haven't seen you in awhile. We all miss Mr Chai so much."

Made me feel good.

I’m transferring the title of the car to someone I know who’ll just take over the payments.

A friend and neighbor did me a favor by following me to a guy that does excellent detailing, to get the vehicle looking right for the new owner. Never met the guy but he has the highest recommendations.

So while my friend sat in her car, I chatted a couple minutes with the man.
Conversation was about dog hair.

When I got into her car I said “What a nice guy”

She gave me that side of the eye smile and said “yes. I could sense some chemistry going on there. “

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Today was an important day, although right now I'm too tired to appreciate it.

I kept a running list of things that needed to get done.

Finally, the only items on the list are gathering items to be donated into one place, tossing other things I have no need or desire for, and finishing packing things I don't need on a daily or regular basis into boxes for when I move.

There's been a "coming soon" real estate sign in front of my house for around a week and a half, and the realtor said there's been quite a bit of interest.
I meet with her again on Monday.

On Tuesday, I get in the car and drive to San Miguel for a week. Neighbors taking care of the cats.

While I have some business stuff to do down there. I'm thinking I'll have plenty of time to just be.

During the week I'm gone the realtor is going to have some open houses, and hopefully there will be a bidding war on the property. I say hopefully, but I know there will be. It's coming into Spring, the inventory in this neighborhood is low, and it's a desireable area with good schools.

I'm going to take a nap.
Anyone want to join me?

I'll be there in spirit.

Right now, at this moment, I feel like things are moving too fast.
Can't be helped though, everthing's been set in motion.

I believe these emotions are being driven by something unrelated. My feelings of uneasiness about something else has entirely has seeped into the part of my life I'm actively living.

Didn't know whether to post here, or on a Palour for Plagues.
I decided on this one.

No sadness, more found this, well, not funny, but really.....just wow.

Last night I got a text from a neighbor 2 doors down, I'll call her Y.

She said she got my number from my other neighbor and friend, as wanted to express condolences.
She talked about a couple other things pertinent.

I thought it was very nice of her.

I wasn't prepared to respond immediately though. That's the number one thing I love about texts. I wasn't sad or upset, just didn't feel like it at the moment.

So today phone rings. I don't answer. The VM is her. I honestly didn't really listen to it with any attention. Just deleted and figured I better respond to her text.
Which I did, thanking her for her kind words, Talked about the other things she had brought up, etc.

Holy ****.

Following were THIRTEEN more texts. Let me tell you, I'll give her points for hitting each and every cliche ever written by man about dying.

Lets see...

Worried, light at the end of the tunnel, one door closes another opens, 2 sides to everything (no idea how that fit in), develop a positive attitude, life long partner in life, coming out of this stronger, it's what he would have wanted, take time and take care of yourself, new life will spring forth (huh?), resurrection (huh?), never lose faith or hope or life is meaningless. Hope and Joy, turn sorrow to joy, self determination, I am here for you, reach out, and more.

I've talked to this person over the last 20 years, 2, Maybe 3 times.
She said she's sorry it took this to "bring us together".

I would not really know her if we passed each other on the street.

Not feeling negative about this.....just wow. Y, you're firing on all 8 cylinders.

BTW, yes, I cry every single day. That's ok.

Well, they say weddings and funerals bring out the best and worst in people.

Then there's the “things happen for a reason” scrawl in the card and my favorite puke: “he’s in a better place” ( well, asshole, he’s not. He should be on the 9th hole on the course, right now)

I never expected to be a widow at age 60 - 11 years ago ( god, it’s been that long?) My SIL wanted to place his ashes under a shared headstone with his brother (who he never liked) just this past summer. I told her no, his ashes are right with me in my home and that’s where I like it.

Wow. Just wow.

I wonder what was triggered in her to bring that stream on? The first text and maybe a response, sure...but that stream is a little weird.

Here’s to tears

I think I'll add that to my list of reasons why I had the TEXT thing turned off.

(other reasons include the man who was sending a dozen 'inspirational' quotes and the idiot who texts all their second by second thoughts)

...and, not that you need or even want approval/agreement, cry as much as you want and for as long as you feel the need.

Sturgis, couldn't you just block the particular people who were sending you unwanted texts?

As far as I know, all the other people that I have a relationship with are on the same page as far as all this. Most people don't expect an immediate response, and when I send out a joke or meme, I consider my audience and just send to the people who will appreciate the humor of that particular one.

So if you don't text, what do you do, all phone?
Do you always answer the phone whether you know who it is or not?

I wasn't aware I could block certain people. Perhaps I should get the thing turned on again. Learn new things all the time . Thank you!

As to answering, if I am not familiar with a new number, I don't answer. If it's of importance, they can leave a message.

3 months ago today.

I'm glad he isn't here to go through all this current situation. For both our sakes.

last night I had the revelation of "I'm not exhausted"

I don't mean the "I need to go take a nap"

For the first time in years I'm not on a regular basis thinking "I am just so ******* exhausted. How much more can I take?"

Sometimes out of the blue the grief just overwhelms.

Just had a long choking on snot, unable to breathe bout. I'm actually still crying 20 minutes after the end of it.

It doesn't look or read like in the movies or books. It's ugly and disgusting. Moaning all sorts of things to personal to share.

This is the sort of stuff that has to be experienced alone. To be completely an animal. No restraints.

God I miss him.

That's the thing about grief. It pops back in every now and again. Just when you're getting back on track for day to day, there's a knock at the door of your soul (or whatever you want to call it) and the emotions rush back in with overwhelming force.

Let it out! Your wounds are still fresh and healing takes time.

Aw Chai - I don't know what to say, but I am listening.

Listening.

No words, but know that people here care about you.

Thanks all.
I feel better now.

I know it's all part of the natural process.

I write about it because it can relieve the feelings of grief when it is time to feel better about the day.
But also, in the hopes that if anyone else now or down the line feels this, to know that even in the midst of worst of the feelings, that the moment will pass.

Do I still cry every day?

I really can't say. I don't know anymore what to define as crying.
It's not just that a few tears, or more than a few, will come out of my eyes while doing some normal day to day thing.
I can honestly say it happens not when I'm feeling bad. It's more when my body just has to push some out.
Kind of like peeing, to put it at a base level.

You have to pee, you don't really think about it unless something is keeping you from relieving yourself.
You just pee, the feeling of needing to is gone.

The times I wrote about above is different. More like, I don't know, like giving birth. It's a process that once it starts doesn't stop until it's done.
Does that make sense?
Right now I feel the need to write a little, so that's what I'm going to do.

You said you miss him. What sort of things/feelings do you miss the most?