Help with marriage!

You have a roomate now, not a wife since You have agreed to live separately under the same roof. That means you agree to take care of your own needs. Do not expect her to clean up after you, cook your meals or do your laundry.

But you two must agree on splitting the costs, too. You should not be expected to provide all her needs. Utilities, phone and housing costs must now be divided, somehow.

Yes, you have a disinterested roomate now, not a wife. Is this the way you want to live?

Go to counseling or see a divorce lawyer.

You've got a roommate now.

Talk to a lawyer about making arrangements to ensure you each take care of your own expenses and responsibilities. Protect your assets.

Consider a legal separation to protect yourself.

Hi Punkey, thank you for the reply. I think due to my poor command in English, I was unable to explain properly. We have not separated. We have only agreed to live in different rooms however we have tried this multiple times earlier. After few days have passed she will come back to me in the night and snuggle with me or would touch me in way that I would give in. Earlier I did not realise this, now I think its weakness of man.

Yes when we are living in separate rooms I do not expect her to do anything for me and I am cooking myself and doing my own laundry etc but I am still paying for all the expenses of her, like food phone bills etc as she has no means of income. I am not sure how can I stop giving her basic stuff at least till she is living in house with me.

I have also asked her if she wants divorce from me. She would stay quiet and not reply that questions and usually end up with a NO answer. She says to me if I give her divorce she has nowhere to go and she would end herself and this scares me as well. Is this common? Should I be worried? I think I am. I want this to end but not at the cost of her hurting herself in a bad way. This is confusing me.

We should both be ready for divorce IF I go to a divorce laywer? She doesn't want a divorce she has made it clear.

ehBeth

Thank you for the reply. Yes I would consider that as a next step. She doesn't want a divorce. I have given a reply about my concerns related to divorce. I hope that will explain my situation in a better way. Yes If she agrees for a divorce, I would contact a lawyer. Can I get divorce only If I am looking for separation? How does it work? Any idea?

Contact a lawyer, it doesn't sound like you have a satisfactory life. Maybe you need to be the person who wants a divorce....Talk to a lawyer, laws are different in different countries...I was married to a terrible person many years back..I might still be in that dreadful situation if he didn't try to kill me and my baby. Don't spend your life being unhappy, get out of the trap, life is better alone than with someone who treats you as an outsider. Good luck

Was this an arranged marriage? It doesn't sound like this marriage was a western style although you apply western concepts. Of course she does not want to divorce, the stigma alone could be extremely harmful to her. You don't specify her skill set, if she ever worked or has an education to obtain employment.

What is "not replying properly"? What are these lies she tells? What is the "help" you sought?

You made her write down she's sorry to you on a piece of papet? WTF? Is she 12 and needs disciplined?

Some how I think she has tons to be angry about but in her world, there's no escape.

Thanx for the reply glitterbag. I am trying to get out. Seems like there is no easy way. Yes I exactly feel the way you have said. Its awfully hard in real life to go through divorce, I mean even thinking about it is giving me stress as I don't know what to do, its painful.

Yes outsider is the right word!

why is that? has she looked for work? is she mentally incompetent?

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If she is unable to work for some reason, and you are going to support her while she lives in your home, you may want to set things up so she works (for a small income) as your housekeeper. No more freeloading by her. Stop supporting her shopping habits. It's not helpful for either of you.

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Again, talk to a lawyer about your options.

you should not continue to cover her bills - you are roommates now

she can work to cover her phone bills and food

if she wants to work for you, consider that - but talk to a lawyer about all of this

neptuneblue

Thanx for being a critic and your reply. Some of your questions are rather difficcult to answer. I am sure you must have a valid reason and I will try to answer them.

Was this an arranged marriage?
Yes, it was.

It doesn't sound like this marriage was a western style although you apply western concepts.
I wish western style would make things better. I am not applying any concepts. I am just being honest.

Of course she does not want to divorce, the stigma alone could be extremely harmful to her
Yes, probably this is the only thing I would agree with you on.

You don't specify her skill set, if she ever worked or has an education to obtain employment.
she is a lawyer by profession but she does not practise it. She has never worked after getting married ( No its her decision not to work, so don't go there)

What is "not replying properly"?
She will ignore me if I ask her that question or she would not reply to that answer and try to avoid it.

What are these lies she tells?
The latest I have shared in my first post. Other lies are from small things that don't matter to very big things.

She spent all night on phone maybe till 4 am and next morning she would refuse that she did not.

When you are living with a person who lies constantly to you, from inside you get scared. I never know what to expect. Sometimes its hard to take a decision if its a seriosu matter.

What is the "help" you sought?
I think I am only looking here for someone who has been in my shoes. Can help me out. Maybe guide me correctly? What else I could be asking for help here?

You made her write down she's sorry to you on a piece of papet? WTF? Is she 12 and needs disciplined?
No I did not! After a long argument initailly she refused and later she gave to me in writing that she is sorry.

Is she 12 and needs disciplined?
No, forget about disciplined, I only want her to stop lying.

why is that? has she looked for work? is she mentally incompetent?
No, She used to work in law firm before marriage. After we got married, I never asked to work, since I was doing ok. She made it clear that she would prefer to be house wife and I said ok.

I did ask her to help me initially with my work but she was always busy with phone so she did not finish what I gave her.
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Thanx for bringing this point up. Yes we spoke about it just now. She said she would be looking for work. I gave her some money so she can travel and apply for jobs and some other expenses.
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Yes very soon. today she came to me and apologised that she would not lie again (but she hass done this many times before). I am not sure. I agreed to her apology. I know I would be used very soon again but its hard to put a fight when someone is asking for forgiveness.


Lawyers can be extremely expensive, I don't want to be in double minds and think this over in a calm way. Rushing to a lawyer and later on regretting it might hurt even more. ( Sorry If I sound confusing, in real time its hard on mee too)

I discussed with my family and they are supportive but extremely upset.

Given that she trained as a lawyer, you really need to talk to a lawyer to protect yourself.

So, if you know that divorce is not really an option in your culture, why do you continually throw it in her face? It's a veiled threat and you both know it. You ask, knowing it's not an option for her. That's mean to do to her.

How long has she been out of the workforce? Long tem marriages can include alimony and a judge would have no problem awarding it to her since she hasn't worked in the entirety of the marriage.

given that she is trained as a lawyer, you won't have to worry about her ability to support herself

neptuneblue

you have some kind of pre-conceived notions about me and my culture. In real time things are much different then what I have tried to explain in a few sentences here.

Divorce is not thrown at someone's face, atleast not in my age. I am 40+. I am not a 18 year old trying to break up with my girlfriend.

I have lived with this woman for many years now, trying to make it work. Even if I split up, I don't wish Ill for her. Maybe she finds someone better then me. So what I am really trying to say here is "You don't give up on people who are close to you so easily". So in relation to the questions you have asked. We (me and my wife) must have sat down hundreads of time's together and discussed this. Things do get heated up in an argument ( but not to aggresive level, dont go there again. thats just not me). You say things which you should not and your partner says things they shoudn't. This is all Common and the name is termed as marriage.

Serious Problem starts arising when you are lied to on your face. Something happens to you inside, I am not sure how to exxplain. If anyone has experienced a lie in a relationship they would know. It hurts. Now if that happens again and again. It changes to anger and frustration. For me it did not change to anger, yes but It changed to frustration. So I did not throw divorce at her face the first time it happened. But yes over the years when she apologised and did it again it did change to something serious like not talking to each other, avoiding, staying in different rooms and when things did not improve it has come to a situation where I would be happy to get a divorce. I am not sure how else I would handle this.

Yes there are always two sides of a coin. My side you can read and understand / her side maybe if she is posting on some other forums others can. Difference of opinion would always be present.

So in my understanding I am not being mean to her. I have stopped loving her and hope that she would change why not to ask if she also wants the same.

Long tem marriages can include alimony and a judge would have no problem awarding it to her since she hasn't worked in the entirety of the
marriage.


Yes that sounds awful. Since she is a lawyer, She must has already considered these points. I don't know what is unfair, to live with someone who u don't love or to live paying for someone you don't love. What a Irony!

I have no preconceived notions about you or your culture. You haven't stated what your culture is but by what you've written, I noticed certain nuances that indicated it's pretty much one sided. And that's your side.

One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. You've sat down "hundreds" of times, discussing things and nothing seems to change. That's because you can't make some one change. It's impossible to do.

You knowingly entered a loveless marriage. It shouldn't come as a shock many years later, it's still a loveless marriage. So, what are you going to do about that?

What you can do is change yourself and how you handle confrontations. You seem to think that I think you're a violent man. No, I don't think that at all. I do think you have certain expectations such as cooking and cleaning under the guise of fair distribution of work since you get paid and she doesn't.

In ordinary situations, that is a reasonable expectation, to have one person take care of the home while one person goes to work. In your situation, it now has become a power play. It's skewed in your favor in certain ways and for her, other ways.

And now you're here, asking one of two things: if it can be fixed or ... how to lose the guilt for leaving her.

No one here can answer those questions for you. It is yours and yours alone to decide how your future will go. But there is some advise I'd like to share.

Quit asking her if she wants to divorce. As you pointed out, you're old enough to either get out of the marriage or not. If YOU want a divorce, file and get out. If not, never bring it up again. Threats are meaningless, actions matter.

Listen to her, actually hear her side. It may not change your mind but it will help you understand her point of view. Consistently trying to catch somebody in their "lies" is counter productive, wasteful and mentally exhausting.

Concede the point that she is not a lawyer any more. Unless she's kept up on continuing education, has had recent trial experience or on a review board her credentials are pretty much invalid at this point.

She has to start again.

As do you.

It seems both of you are stuck .

How things will be going forward will take both of you to change and work together.

Are you up for that?

it certainly varies by jurisdiction but here someone with her background would likely get a time-limited period of alimony. it is not automatically awarded anymore and it is rarely permanent.

You're in an unpleasant situation right now.

If you did divorce, would it be culturally acceptable for you to partner/ marry someone who is a better match for you?

I think you both deserve to be with people you love and who love you.

I am sorry to say, you got it all wrong. Seems you are assuming things again. I hope you are not trolling here. I will try to answer your questions again.

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I have no preconceived notions about you or your culture
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After reading your above post and this post as well, seems you are assuming things instead of asking me and clarifying.

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I noticed certain nuances that indicated it's pretty much one sided. And that's your side.
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Yes, agreed. Its a one sided story since I am writing it. If she would be writing it she would not have written exatcly same as me. Do you expect me to write her side of story?

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You knowingly entered a loveless marriage. It shouldn't come as a shock many years later, it's still a loveless marriage. So, what are you going to do about that? .
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Are you sure all love marriages end up sucessfully? If No How many Love marriages end up in divorce? Are you sure people dont fake love for money?

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What you can do is change yourself and how you handle confrontations.
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Can you suggest some ways? Earlier I use to ignore the lies but when lie will intentionally hurt someone I have to stand up and clarify.


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I do think you have certain expectations such as cooking and cleaning under the guise of fair distribution of work since you get paid and she doesn't.
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Again you have assumptions, We are staying together and I am paying everything for her and yet I have never asked her to cook and clean for me. So I am not sure why you get this idea?

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In ordinary situations, that is a reasonable expectation, to have one person take care of the home while one person goes to work. In your situation, it now has become a power play. It's skewed in your favor in certain ways and for her, other ways.
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If it was about power, then I would force her to pay for her stuff or work for me in house if she was staying with me. I have never forced her in anyway. so another assumption by you.

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And now you're here, asking one of two things: if it can be fixed or ... how to lose the guilt for leaving her.
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I have no guilt of leaning her, Seems you are asssuming again. I am very clear that I would like a divorce! But she is not ready. I dont want her to harm herself. Please read above carefully.

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Quit asking her if she wants to divorce.
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How many times do you think I have asked her?
When things get heated up in a converstaion, there are often things get out of your mouth that are sitting inside for long time.

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Listen to her, actually hear her side. It may not change your mind but it will help you understand her point of view. Consistently trying to catch somebody in their "lies" is counter productive, wasteful and mentally exhausting.
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I am not sure if you understand! Usually one lie will lead to another and then another and the vicious cycle never ends. So at times when she is lying about something I would loose interest in converation. The only way left is to stand up and confront.

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Concede the point that she is not a lawyer any more. Unless she's kept up on continuing education, has had recent trial experience or on a review board her credentials are pretty much invalid at this point.
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I have no problems / have no problems if she is a lawyer or not.



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She has to start again.

As do you.

It seems both of you are stuck .

How things will be going forward will take both of you to change and work together.

Are you up for that?
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I will let you know and keep you guys posted about that. Thanx for help.

Thanx ehBeth

Yes I have to find more about alimony. I am trying to sort things out at personal level first. Maybe I can help her find a job.

I am glad you and some other members here can come down to my level and understand what I am going through! Yes its awfully hard on me and her too I think.

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If you did divorce, would it be culturally acceptable for you to partner/ marry someone who is a better match for you?
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After divorce we both are free and can choose to do whatever with our lives.

Thanx for the well wishes and advice. I will keep you guys posted.