How old is too old for a teen's boyfriend?

I would have a problem with this. It isn't just the difference in ages, there is a big difference in the stage of life. A 19 year old is an adult, with adult privileges and responsibilities. A 16 year old is a long way off.

Yeah, that is where I'm coming from also. I would also worry that this would take her away from her friends and support group, unlike say a freshman dating a senior where dating still revolves around school and group activities. That and her lack of experience dating could put her in a precarious position.

I agree with max and engineer, but at the same time, what are you going to do? Forbid it? The fact that he is coming over formally and even brings over someone who can be seen as a 'character reference' indicates that he is at least serious about this.

So if he goes through this effort and you metaphorically (or literally perhaps) slam the door in his face, do you think he would stop at that? Or would he endeavor to meet your daughter without your knowledge and consent?

If you trust your daughter, and you trust the parents of your daughter's friends, then the wise course may just be to talk this over with her, tell her you would advise her against it, explain why, and then leave the ball in her court so to speak.

Just my two cents

I agree. If you are uncomfortable with this, you should talk to your daughter to get your thoughts out there before this visit.

Yeah. I would talk to my daughter right away, before this potentially very awkward event. I would explain to her that my main concern is that it is imposible for this relationship to be equals, their place in life are too different. Then I would listen.

I just checked, this relationship is legal in Massachusetts. But I would want to express my concerns very clearly. How I would handle this relationship after that.... I haven't a clue.

Yes that is what I explained to my daughter - he is out working, paying bills (well he is living at home) and filling out a tax return. She is working on homework, going to school and thinking of home coming dances.

Yes I am torn - for pretty much the reasons you state here.

I have spoken about it - and why I am hesitant.

Also to add to this my daughter's friend who is a year older than her (well they are the same age now - but she is a year further in high school) is now dating his friend. Both these young men work for the friend's parents that are the "character reference" and have known them most of their lives. They met these men when they were younger through their church and has hired them and kind of took them as part of their family in a sense (they do have their own families as well). There parents are very strict with their daughter.

A little more background all of the "kids" - my daughter's friend and two men have parents that are from another country (they all are within the same culture so that is part of this closeness among the families) - the kids all either were born here or moved here very young.

So I don't know if this age type stuff is cultural at all or if part of it is the best friends stuff or probably overall combined.

My daughter has said she would go out alone with him - but as a double date with her friend. And he does not appear to be a character that would try to go behind our back, however, seeing she runs in the same friend group and often times is over this family's house - it would happen even if they did not "sneak" around.

Yes I am aware that 16 is of consent and it is legal.

I am at the stage now - that we have talked about it - she knows our concerns.

He has been respectful so far - she was having trouble in math and he offered to come over and tutor her as he said he is good in math (he has actually been tutoring her friend). My husband said no - in part he wants to make sure she would get the right help - realizing how every year they teach math differently - and also well you know he is 19. His response to her was he understands that her dad would need to meet him first.

It is tough because from everything I know of him - he is nicer than many of the boys in her grade - many of the ones I know. But yes - the difference in the stage of life is more of our concern.

She even mentioned that he wouldn't be able to bring her to senior prom because he would be 21 at the time and they do not allow anyone to attend prom that is 21 or over.

You mentioned that one family is very strict with their own daughter....(I'm not sure if I am on target with that) if that's the case, those parents may be less than impressed with the perceived freedom your daughter may have.

I could be way off, but in some cultures girls are not valued/ lose their value if they are allowed to spend time unchaperoned. It's not a concept that most American kids really and truly understand. I'm pretty sure it would have seemed crazy to me when I was 16.......honestly, I still think it's crazy but I didn't grow up with those beliefs and I didn't get penalized...so for me it's a distant notion.

This is a very difficult situation for your family, for sure. He could be a great kid, absolutely respectful and trustworthy. The age difference troubles me, but it wouldn't necessarily be a show stopper.........what concerns me is that the family of the other daughter has a very strict upbringing. Not because they are strict concerning her, but because they may assume your daughter isn't being raised according to their standards.

I'm not sure my observation or concerns apply at all, I don't know how adherent the other family is and I shouldn't speculate that they are a complete 180 from your culture. I truly hope this works out well for everybody, good luck.

I don't think that is the case - we are probably more strict than most - but not as much as they are. We know the family indirectly as my daughter grew up being best friends with this newer friend - that is how they got close. Her mom is very seet and seems to like my daughter.

I am probably not being really clear in all the relationships to keep things short.

Girlfriend has a strict family - they are really nice just a bit stricter than others - church is a 3 hour deal for example. There are two young men that are best friends that work for this girlfriend's dads business. These men spend alot of time at this girlfriend's house. This is how my daughter met these men. The family has known these guys for years and they are almost part of the family - one man asked to be this girlfriend boyfriend so just recently these two are "dating" - his best friend has been interested in my daughter.

The mom has been "teasing" my daughter and this man about liking each other and encouraging the relationship.

But all of these individuals (besides my daughter) attend the same church which is based on their faith as well as their cultural. The faith is similar to ours and my daughter attended a Christian school with the cousin mentioned above.

Not sure if that clears things up or makes it more muddled.

would it be possible to politely suggest the mom backs off on this

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the potential boyfriend - is he barely 19 or will he turn 20 while your daughter is still 16? at that age - there's a close to 25% age difference and the life experience is pretty different - let alone that he's working, not at school being a kid. does he go to college/university?

is their church that encourages young marriages and sort of sets up couples early?

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I'll admit - your comment about your daughter thinking in terms of senior prom made me a bit nervous - have people in that other house been talking long-term stuff vs casual dating?

I'd want any contact between your daughter and the guy to be in your home going forward so you can monitor things more closely (I can be super nervous about stuff like this).

The prom thing doesn't bother me - prom is huge so from Freshman year they think about who their date will be for junior and senior prom - there are "promposals" - she saw her older sister going through it so I don't think it is long term thing - just my daughter talking about it.

He is in his first year out of high school - he says he cannot afford to go to college yet but wants to go. I am not sure to be honest the details behind it. I think the age difference thing is the cultural part - I do not think it is unusual for this sort of age difference in their culture.

He is coming over tonight to ask my husband if he be her boyfriend. My daughter let us know. We talked about it and it is difficult to say no as others mentioned here will they sneak to see each other? So any way - I did tell my husband I do not think this is long term. Although I see some things and values that are similar - my daughter has more ambition. She sees (in her words) a "hot" more mature guy interested in her. He isn't silly and doesn't act dumb like boys in her grade. He is polite, kind and says very sweet things.

What she doesn't see yet - he is out working. She has school, homework, practice and babysitting and her friends.

We decided they can see each within certain parameters. He can come to the house - we have a room in the basement with a pool table/air hockey - where you can set up your speakers and listen to music. They can go out with other friends - she is not to go alone in a car with him.

That sort of thing. I won't be there because I will be at work/commuting home.

I told my husband he should work it into the conversation that he was in the marines and his job was shooting instructor. Not to mention he could shoot (I forget the exact distance) but it is like a football field length or something - and his average score was 18-20 hitting the bullseye. I think that is an important fact for him to know.

I recently saw a tee shirt with legend:

Rules for Dating My Daughter

DON'T

How did things go?


(I'd try to keep her a bit distant from that other mom regardless of the boyfriend situation - she's in a culture that supports different things than you seem to - her influence would make me uneasy)

I was not there when he came over. The mom actually did come over as well. She wasn’t going to at first so not sure why she decided to. According to my husband she said I just want you to know he is like a son to me and what a good person he is. My husband did tell him that he does not know him at all and even his daughter does not know him very well. But he can come over (of course when one of us is here) but she cannot go alone with him at this point.

When I got home from work he was still there – we all chatted for a bit. Quite honestly he seems like a very nice guy. He also does seem a bit sheltered – he is a young 19 – just out of high school and plans to go to trade school to be an electrician. He is adopted since a baby and his dad is a pastor. He has been in the US for just 5 years when the family moved here.

He spent a good part of Saturday with us – he and his friend came to my daughter’s games and we took them to lunch in between.

My daughter was telling me before hand - how he kept texting her and telling her he is sweating bullets and how nervous he is – I guess when he met and talked to my husband he kept apologizing for being so nervous.