Experienced racism. share

As a white female trying to understand empathy love and equality I am sharing conflicting thoughts about my childhood. I know I have ingrained prejudice and I fight to understand and become more awakened. This is a thought I wrote out and I still can't come to peace with in the aftermath of death....

The moment you realise your beloved great uncle that was more a father or grandfather to you than just an uncle, used to announce his presence with a car horn playing Dixie. As a child I just thought it was just a fancy fun horn.

How do you reconcile your personal attachment to racists and Bigots ?!

Another faint memory . He and your father (approximate age 8) telling you black people smell differently and to just stay away. Me thinking 6 year old friend Rachel didn't smell weird and sniffing her a recess to be sure. The confusion. I see her as Rachel.

A childhood of abuse... but as an adult in awakening, I realise one of the few adults that treated me with kindness and unconditional love were in fact bigot racists.
How can good people be bigot racists? How can a bigot racist be good people?
How can a person make the choice of bigotry and racism?
How can I come to terms with my love of a bigot racist?
It feels like a betrayal. A betrayal to life and truth. My beloved uncle Ray was a bigot racist .

I was holding his hand and my cheek was pressed against his as his last bit of life slipped away . I felt him die. He died.
But now after a childhood of love I realise he was a racist.

My whole being morns his loss. My whole being applauds one less bigot racist.

Coming to terms is difficult.