Experienced racism. share

As a white female trying to understand empathy love and equality I am sharing conflicting thoughts about my childhood. I know I have ingrained prejudice and I fight to understand and become more awakened. This is a thought I wrote out and I still can't come to peace with in the aftermath of death....

The moment you realise your beloved great uncle that was more a father or grandfather to you than just an uncle, used to announce his presence with a car horn playing Dixie. As a child I just thought it was just a fancy fun horn.

How do you reconcile your personal attachment to racists and Bigots ?!

Another faint memory . He and your father (approximate age 8) telling you black people smell differently and to just stay away. Me thinking 6 year old friend Rachel didn't smell weird and sniffing her a recess to be sure. The confusion. I see her as Rachel.

A childhood of abuse... but as an adult in awakening, I realise one of the few adults that treated me with kindness and unconditional love were in fact bigot racists.
How can good people be bigot racists? How can a bigot racist be good people?
How can a person make the choice of bigotry and racism?
How can I come to terms with my love of a bigot racist?
It feels like a betrayal. A betrayal to life and truth. My beloved uncle Ray was a bigot racist .

I was holding his hand and my cheek was pressed against his as his last bit of life slipped away . I felt him die. He died.
But now after a childhood of love I realise he was a racist.

My whole being morns his loss. My whole being applauds one less bigot racist.

Coming to terms is difficult.

I get snubbed, completely ignored, and harassed. Neighbor was letting her dog bark from 8 till 4 am EVERY day. She knew it bothered several people, but she did nothing. I reported it. Now her friend lays on her car horn everyday she passes my house, her kids say nasty things to me. Yesterday, dude driving fast almost hit me, I said slow down. He stops and lectures me saying he will do whatever he wants. YES, I now understand that these people are unreasonable, selfish, and rude. I feel they believe they have more rights than I do, and I get VERY angry being talked down to. I'm looking to move back to where these people are few and at least sane.

It is very hard not to say "my race" ( or the persons ) because I am one kind of race when my hair is a certain way and another based on my attire or dress code. I am not attacking anybody's, creed, religion, race, or culture. If I had children it would not matter because they would come out beautiful. It is like wow I get sun-damage I must be that race.

1. Out of all the discrimination I have received it has mostly been from people who are Jewish or close towards Jewish. It is a really big list. So I am not going to go into it. It is like an thesis. I could write a book.

2. I went inside of my Barnes and Nobles. I wanted a book, the manager pushed away the clerks who was attempting to do a search. That being said people were eating and having lunch inside the bookstore as well. This is the Barnes and Noble I shop at since I was going to college from over ten years ago..

I went upstairs. I decided to ask another clerk. This one was older, grey, European-looking librarian man and just went to see if I would get another answer. The person searched.

Here it comes.....

The guy from downstairs followed me upstairs, and playfully stick his head into my view cartoonishly. It seemed okay at first but honestly felt odd.

So I went to look for a book for my nephew/niece ( My big sister had children and you know that "uncle" feeling ).

Off the corner of my eye it look like the same guy from downstairs was following me but the moment he saw a ( real ) black man, he made a bee-line to the public bathroom. I was still looking for a book

and here it comes again....

I watch as the nicely dressed black-man with clothing way more expensive then mine come out. While the guy was following behind him not too far and he blurted out.

"We do not want your kind here"

I knew the guy did not hear him or maybe choose to ignore him. Point being is that I get the idea.

1. This guy did not want me in the book store ( that I have been shopping for years ).
2. This guy cartoony behavior ( kind of loopy )
3. This guy clearly is a type of supremacist.

......

This is his description.

Silver/grey hair
somewhat young
bubble-gum lips
Roundish glasses
Mid-range body ( non muscular but not so fat )
Maybe he was white but his skin was tanned somehwat darken ( like maybe somebody from the mid-western states.
Talked kind of soft and galey but sound froggish deep.

This was back in 2016 while I was looking for work. I know this guy is wrong, I know he does not deserve his job. I want to punch him out so badly. Like one of those shrimpy funny face guys you could see being cartoonishly drawn to indicate being stereotypically "homosexual"

I wish somebody could catch him in the act. You wont notice it until you see him make a bee-line to the toilet after a guy who is clearly black, or clearly is problematic.