@Zulufoot,
Zulufoot
He left her for you, he left you for her, somewhere down the track, he decided to try to find you again, that probably made you feel "special" but I think more so you needed "closure" after all he left without a trace and he was your first love.
First love's are hard to get over when young, you think they are the bees knees and always will be, yet you were with a "wonderful man" for 25 years or thereabouts, but we don't forget our first love, if at some stage, it presents itself, I think it would be hard not to venture there. We don't mean to be selfish people and in fact we aren't we can be quite vulnerable. I can imagine all that he said to you to get your emotions all worked up to enter this affair.
I'd say he had a hold on you, if you couldn't walk away trying 7 times but one that isn't healthy, he's pissed that you truly have ended it, he stalked you and sent you an email to your work address, as you blocked him. He chose to find you, chase you and try to manipulate you into staying over and over. His wife has been with him 25 years, she knows him more than you do, better than you do, perhaps you weren't his first affair, perhaps he treats her badly, tells her everything is her fault, she's a worthless bag of ****, perhaps he entered another affair and she found out about that one too.
Anyone that can't "walk" from a person for a better life, doesn't have strength, you did it, keep walking, head held high we all make mistakes, perhaps this wasn't one, rather a closure for you, regardless of right or wrong, what is right and what is wrong at the end of the day.
This man, to me, seems to enjoy playing the victim, putting the blame of his actions onto anyone else but himself.
His actions.
He located you, chased you.
Doesn't really make him a man does it.
Worse, he located you, sort you out, to tell you you are a worthless bag of ****.
That's all he wanted to do, he lost, you aren't going back. He hates to lose.
A real man, wouldn't even think of it being your fault, they would own up to their own responsibilities, own up that he looked you up and found you, deliberately with every intent of an affair, the old saying probably being true, wasn't getting enough emotion, sex perhaps.
What a man.
She knows more about him than you remember that, there is more to this than just that affair that is hurting her.
If he called you a worthless bag of ****, after spending forever finding a way to tell you that, what else did he call you, how else did he put you down, during the affair, I would guess he did quite a bit.
So, if that's true, imagine how he has treated her for 25 years, it's her that needs counselling to get over him and move on herself.
He is the worthless bag of **** in my opinion, playing with your mind and perhaps hers.
Do not feel terrible. This has nothing to do with you, this has to do with him and how he played it all out, coupled with what ever else he has done, stated, to her over the years.
I'm not saying I am right, but I am trying to put out there to you, the realisation of the type of person he is, and perhaps a side you are looking at .
The best thing I think sometimes to do when you can't escape, is to tell "someone" and it doesn't matter who that person is, what matters is that it's a person that you know, once told to, there is no way going back, you are free.
Safe.
You can't beat yourself up after, we all make mistakes, or get into something we find very hard to get out of.
You do need to let it go, it happened, it's over and he's a bag of **** for even emailing you as he's still playing the victim, still playing the control person who's aim and goal is to make you feel it's all your fault.
You say, it's both.
He went out of his way to find you.
Certainly he may have thought what if. But, at the end of the day, he ditched you to go back to her, so whilst he was your first love, she was his love.
So why did he do it. As you said, "it was a toxic relationship"
So again, ask yourself what he has put her through and I think in that thought, you may see, why she is so down and out, nothing to do with you, your actions together were and are only a portion of the situation.
I am not a counsellor and these are only my thoughts, take from this what you may find is real to you and don't take what you think is not, even pose a question of this to your counsellor that you feel may ring true and see what he/she thinks.
It's ok to leg go of this and leave it as a memory good or bad, that doesn't belong in your life anymore.