Had an affair and now the AP's wife has tried to kill herself

Men are just like any other women, Soul. They're not a different species or race.

Thank you for taking the time to write this, I appreciate your non-judgemental approach and the time that you put into this, it's been helfpul. I reached out on here as I couldn't get to see my counsellor straight away, I have an appointment tomorrow now, which I know will help.

I just wanna know what "AP" stands for. I know I am as thick as 2 planks, but if I don't ask I will never learn anything.

AP = affair partner

I thought it was Avid Philatelist... but then again it could be Apex Predator.

Don't listen to this garbage - sounds like someone that was cheated on and is still bitter.

Why would I have to be cheated on to know an affair is wrong? Is there no compassion for the wife here? To lay an affair at her feet and walk away is a coward's move. OP deserves to feel bad and take responsibility for her actions.

Because you are beating up on a person that made a mistake, regrets it and is trying to do something positive about it. Your lack of forgiveness and anger towards someone who is obviously learning from a mistake this leads one to believe you have some lingering feelings about an affair.

This no one says that I do not have sympathy for wife - not at all. Unlike some, I do believe that a single person having an affair with a married individual is wrong. But that does not mean I feel she is responsible for someone threatening suicide and she should feel guilty about it.

I feel she should feel guilty about being with a person who is already committed - I also feel that someone should be forgiven when they show they truly do realize they did wrong and are working on not doing so again. Which the poster showed in her actions and words. She also has shown she regrets talking to the wife - she made a mistake and feels badly about it. That doesn't mean you cannot learn from it and move on. It does not mean you are responsible for someone saying they want to kill themselves. That is overboard reaction for the situation - and your respond is overboard for what has happened.

She obviously feels bad - everyone can read this from her words and she has tried to make amends for it. What more is expected? Give her first born? Your reaction is over the top and counter productive.

Beating her up further about this does not help and shows a certain bitterness.

A five year affair with a married man isn't just a mistake - it's a way of life. OP chooses to act like a victim and wants sympathy for acknowledging her wrong actions.

No.

She doesn't get a pat on the back or a pass for that. She isn't taking responsibility, she's whining that she has to deal with the consequences of the hurt she purposely inflicted on an other human being.

My response isn't overboard. It's a natural response to infidelity. I can sympathize with the true victim here, the unaware cheater's wife who got blindsided. I am angry that for five years, OP didn't have the strength or moral capacity to end the affair on her own. Dumping the affair at the cheater's wife's feet and running away was an act only to be able to ease her own conscience.

It's sad to think the normalization of cheating is pervasive in today's marriage.

I agree with Linkat.

Neptune has a Puritan view of Marriage. It isn't the reality, nor has it ever been.

Do you have the capability to forgive? To you have the ability to realize everyone does something that requires forgiveness that we are not all perfect and we all make mistakes?

Curious why you would say that cheating is a way of life? I suspect you may be the victim of a serial cheater - that is the only reasonable explanation for your unreasonable expectations from this poster.

Do you think because you did something wrong you need to be punished and feel guilty for the rest of your life?

Helping someone to overcome an issue no matter how bad it is and to succeed to be a better person - she did not dump the affair at the wife's feet and run away - she apologized and is trying to turn her life around. She talks of seeing counseling to overcome this - sounds far from a serial cheater.

Be realistic - what do you expect her to do to make it up? I asked that before. But you have no reasonable answer?

She certainly should not go back to this wife - it would only make the pain worse for the wife.

I am not normalizing cheating and I far from support it - but as a human I recognize people do things that are not morally correct. What I am is helping/supporting someone that wants to better themself. I am not saying what she did is right, what I am saying is she is responsible for someone saying this will cause them to kill themself - that is ridiculous. An average common sense person would not kill themself because someone cheated on them - they would be hurt and angry. This response as a result is not her responsibility. The hurt and anger she caused to someone else is.

Have you ever done anything wrong? What did you do to resolve it? Are you still carrying that guilt? Is that helping anything?

What you are doing right now, right on this thread is not morally correct - you are judging another person and condemning them - that without even knowing them at all but what they are writing on here.

I find it ironic you're spending more time trying to figure out my response rather than help the OP.

My capacity to forgive is not in question here. OP's inability to understand the depth of the deceit and hurt caused by her actions, is.

I did not feel the need as she received sufficient advice from some of the other posters - I had nothing else to add.

Other than to prevent cyber bullying.

But you still did not give an answer as to what she should do to make up for it?

Disagreement in the matters of opinion does not constitute cyber bullying.

You ask what can she do to make up for her indiscretion? Start by taking responsibility. Acknowledge the purposeful act of deceit and betrayal upon an unsuspecting victim. Admit, from her actions, caused an other harm. Understand the guilt she may feel now, will always be there. There is no "making up for it." The damage has already occurred.

Saying things like the following :
“This Is Totally Your Fault. …ruin not only a marriage but a person's sanity ..” “Yes, return to counseling to figure out how to keep your pants on.”
This is beyond opinion – blaming it all on her when there was more than one person involved; also ruining a person’s sanity? The average reasonable person understands that an affair does not equate to causing someone to lose their sanity. Keep your pants on – is an obvious insult – there is no opinion in that.

“Start by taking responsibility. Acknowledge the purposeful act of deceit and betrayal upon an unsuspecting victim. Admit, from her actions, caused an other harm. Understand the guilt she may feel now, will always be there. There is no "making up for it." The damage has already occurred.”
Sounds like from the beginning she was taking responsibility – “This is really an awful story….I feel absolutely terrible …Yes I did apologise in the very beginning…It has all been a very tragic state of affairs, if I could turn back the clock I would…I think we are both responsible, I told his wife in the end and this hurt her very much.”

In her quotes above she states her responsibility and acknowledged she hurt this woman. I don’t understand why she should feel guilt the rest of her life? Doesn’t everyone deserve forgiveness? Especially those that are reaching out to trying to put their life back together and do right going forward? You are right an affair is morally wrong, but I honestly do not understand your vengeance. It really is not healthy for you – I am not trying to be mean; just honest. I am sorry for whatever you must have gone through (or perhaps someone you care deeply has gone through) to make you so angry to the point that you hope she carries guilt and feels terrible her entire life. I sincerely hope you can get over whatever happened so you can be happy.