Ex-friend cut me out of his life, now he says sorry. What should I do?

Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 01:47 am
A little back story: We’ve been friends for years, when teenagers throughout high school. I suspected he started having feelings for me at some point. We’ve even tried going out but it didn’t work out but we still kept being friends, we were having the best time together.
Then, we moved out of our hometown to go to university, so naturally, the contact was less often, but whenever I was at home, I called to see if he wanted to hang out, and often, we did. And then, one time, it turned out that he’s got a girlfriend. It was fall 2012. The girlfriend knew the story about how he’s got feelings for me, that we’ve been together for a while, etc. The last time we hang out I tried to set up the time we would see each other again and he kept saying ‘if she agrees’. Apparently, she didn’t, cause we never met again. Not only that, he deleted me from his Facebook friends, when we met on the street, he pretended not to see me and when I met him at some party and tried confronting him, he just dismissed me by saying ‘I can’t talk to you’.
I was really hurt. I didn’t understand what was going on, and never got an explanation. I assumed she forbade him to talk to me or he decided to cut me out of his life for the sake of his new relationship. And everything would be fine if he would just let me know what was going on, but he never did. He just disappeared.
The whole situation made me enjoy my visits at home much less, because to get to my home, I had to pass by his. And I really love my hometown, I love spending time there, so I was heartbroken, sad and really felt betrayed by him.
Fast forward 5 years, I bumped on them (him and his girlfriend) on the street last Thursday (they’re still together). They pretended not to see me, as usual, and I just ignored them. And last night I got a message from him saying ‘I’m sorry!’ and that’s it. He sent it in the middle of the night, around 2:30am. I suspect he was probably drunk, or high or whatever. My first instinct was to respond with a set of questions what exactly was he sorry for, cause there’s a lot, but I decided it’s a bad idea, deleted the message and didn’t send it. I have mixed feelings. I want him to understand how much it all hurt me. But then, I’m too proud to just give in and respond to the message. I don’t want to get to any drama or start a fight or anything but I would want some kind of revenge. On the other hand, there’s a part of me that still misses him and would like to make things right. I’m a little confused and I wanted to gain other people’s perspectives.

So, what do you think? Should I ignore the message? Should I respond? What would you do?
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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 742 • Replies: 9

Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 02:20 am
Sounds like he's really under his girlfriend's thumb. I suggest giving him the same treatment he has given you, that is, ignore him even if you run into him.
Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 03:01 am
That is my instinct too. 5 years of no contact and then a message out of the blue, in the middle of the night seems too little to just forgive and forget.
Thanks for your thoughts on this.
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Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 06:14 am
Revenge never really makes you feel any better, not in the long term. Move on from this one, block him from further contact, and save yourself the emotional energy.
Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 06:29 am
Friends come and go so why the deep connection?

Apparently he has had feelings for you all this time and the gf has put you on the no- contact list because you are a danger to their relationship.

You have a choice: step back and respect their exclusive relationship or get assertive and see him.

It sounds like you two have unfinished feelings that need to either end or egnite again. But be clear, the gf will not let you be buddies with him. So don't act unless you are willing to be responsible for a big blowup. Are your feelings that strong?
Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 07:14 am
Well, when I care about someone, I don't assume they'll just come and go... I mean, I don't call people 'a friend' if they're not really important people for me. I know it might sound silly, considering that I was a teenager back then, but I don't know, I just always valued friendships, I guess my parents thought me that.

And this one friend who was so dear to me treated me badly and I'm still hurt as I never got the chance to talk to him or have some kind of closure. We were really, really close and I thought I would be able to keep him as a life-long friend.

And to be clear - I did step back. After that one time I tried talking to him, I didn't contact him at all. But it's him who is contacting me now and I'm not sure if I should respond or not and if so, what do I say after all this time. I don't need to be buddies with him, when I think about it I don't think it would be possible after all this. What I'm considering is to just have him understand it was not cool what he did, and just move on. It's just I have - like you said - unfinished business and it still bugs me for some reason. I just don't know how to react.

But thanks for pointing out that if I actually respond and she finds out, it could cause a big blowup. I didn't even think about that, as I assumed he wouldn't run to tell her I contacted him, but why wouldn't he? I keep forgetting we don't have this close relationship anymore and I can't really trust him.

Thanks for this!
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Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 07:17 am
Thanks for your insight. I am thinking a lot about what I should do and what you described is the most probable option for now. I'm just not sure I'll be ok with this in the long run. I think I need to somehow forgive him, have much needed closure and then move on.

BTW, the way I see it, not responding at all is some form of revenge, I think he expected me to respond to his message one way or another Wink
Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 09:25 am
joannnakaplon wrote:
He sent it in the middle of the night, around 2:30am. I suspect he was probably drunk, or high or whatever.

there's a decent chance he's forgotten he sent it (or maybe even regrets it) if he was drunk/stoned when he sent it

leave it all alone

take the high road. be polite if you see them - they don't have to reciprocate but you'll know you did the right thing. at the same time, you might as well block him, there's no point in leaving yourself open to these questions.

enjoy your time in your hometown - there's nothing wrong with remembering the good times you had, even though they're now over. appreciate the good memories and move on with your life (leave the annoyance of him and his gf behind - just save the happy memories)
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Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 11:45 am
You can forgive him and gain closure to the situation without further contact.
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Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 11:11 am
thank you all for your thoughts on this. I've decided to do nothing about the message, will try to work on forgiving him and moving on so I can finally get rid of all the negativity this situation has caused me.
Thanks for your time and advice on this!
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