Hi. I need to talk

We are out here, and we are listening.

Have you told anyone near you, in person? I'm thinking of someone like a teacher, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a boss, a member of the clergy, a doctor (not knowing anything about you, obviously some of these won't apply). Someone who you trust.

There are many outstanding advisors - and a couple of wise guys. I seldom have much to offer, but I seldom expect people to change.

Ah! Jespah is here, and one of the best.

Aw, shucks.

Oh great thank you...... all!!!

I need to talk about the long term effects of what verbal abuse can do to a person. Ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half,I live with the man, and at first I didnt think he was verbally abusive but as time went by it became more and more apparent that he is.

The problem is that this man is very controling. Im living at his place so I have had to do what he says pretty much all the time. I work for him too which hasnt all ways been all that fun.

To put this in a nut shell, He is like Dr, Jeckyl and Mr, Hyde.
I have been watching myself over this years time and I am not the same person I was when I got here. I have become so neurotic. I have several anxiety attacks everyday over the wierdness things, like thinking Ive lost my wallet, or panicking because I cant find my cell phone, and Im all ways losing my glasses and freaking out over that. Oh ya. my car keys too. I was never like this before I came here.
It seems ever since I have gotten involved with this man I have become so hyper vigilant , wanting to please him all the time, making sure Im doing everything he wants right, but as most of you can probably guess ,it doesnt matter how hard I try or how well I do, there is all ways something Im doing wrong that he finds fault with. And when he does he talks down to me and causes me to feel like Im really stupid. He lectures me and lectures me, admonishes me, and chastises me and he wont stop talking until he drills it in. He talks down to me like a child when I am an adult women. Also he will take a simple mistake and blow it up like I had just exploded an atomic bomb.

He has gotten me to the point where I am so afraid of making mistakes because I dont want to hear another humiliating lecture. It really wears on you. He tells me go in the other room figure this and thus out its real easy. I go in there and it isnt easy at all. I come back to ask for help again and I get amonished again except worse then the time before. Cant you do this!! What wrong with you. A third grader could do this. ( this is nonsense of course, but his words still hurt)

Im having a conference call with Patricia Evans tomorrow night. Thank God! She;s going to help.

But what I need to express here is how my ability to concentrate on things has gotten really bad because Im nervous all the time for fear hes going to degrade me again over what ever! Anytime he asks me to do something I have to rush to it right away and I fear inside until its taken care of. and worry did I do it right. In the beginnning I wanted to please him more then anything because I love him and I want him to love and like me back. I would like him to know that I am a confident person, but it doesnt matter how well I do on other things. He doent really acknowlege that. Its like he doesnt want to. Its like he wants the find the faults in me which he distorts and amplifies so he can feel more secure with in himself and controlling.

All I can say is that I am shocked right now at how nervous a person I have become. These anxiety attacks are interfering with my day to day functioning. And Im afraid they are a result from being subject to him. Oh,, Let me be real, They are a result from being around him. AND HIM, he thinks Im just this way,

He really does bother me that when I do something really good or great, he plays it down, like oh thats nice dear sort of thing. This is how they control you isnt it. Putting you down.

Also another effect that is bothering me about myself is that I keep losing patience with myself just doing ordinary tasks and other things that take a certain amount of concentration. If a computer page doesnt show up fast enough and lags while Im waiting to complete a task he wants on it, I have a mini tamtrum. I have also developed a sense of helplessness that I have never had before. This man I believe is breaking down to believe I am incapable of many things, almost like he enjoys it sometimes. I dont know. thanks for listening

I know it's easy to say, but you need a new situation as quickly as possible. I can't tell you how to do this, but it is not going to get better. Aside from his personality, if you hear too much about actual mistakes and nothing about the exceptional things for which you deserve, believe me, you are going to start making more mistakes. I bet you have already discovered that for yourself. It's even worse that you work for him. You simply have no chance to get away from the whole thing.

I wish I could tell you how to go about making these changes, but do resolve to put the situation behind you. Oh, keep some space between yourself and any future boss. It just leaves you way too dependent on the same person.

Agree with Roger, you need to get out. This man wants complete subservience, and even then he won't be happy. Next he'll be controlling who you can and can't see. The longer you stay the more worthless you'll feel.

I'm with the fellas. This may even be the start of gaslighting (right now, it seems to just be #4 but we don't know all the details of what is going on).

Even if it is not, this guy is clearly undermining you.

You need to find a way to get out. Go to family. Lean on friends. Look for another job. I know a lot of those are easier said than done, but there are ways out of this.

Hello Everyone,

My self Amit. I am new in this forum, Join me and my posts..

I can relate to this and as a guy, I dealt with verbal abuse that resulted in everything you are stating. I loved my ex and her 3 kids (I don't have any) and did everything for her. My life was miserable. I ended up divorcing her finally after I left and realized it was never meant to be. I lost significant weight almost lost my job due and almost lost my immediate family as I consistently stuck by her. I ended up leaving, going to counseling and realizing the verbal abuse is not acceptable at all no matter how much you love someone. Remember, you first have to love yourself enough. She almost ruined my life (I should be blaming myself for allowing her to do this to me), as in the end it really is up to you to get away from such a toxic environment. It will be extremely difficult, but just know you will get through it. It will take time, patience, self-reflection and strength, but if you take the time to realize that you have spent so much of your focus on just trying to make him happy, that you should use that same amount of energy to focus on yourself. Run, don't walk as the quicker you get out, the quicker you are able to give yourself a new lease on life. Trust me, I did it and never looked back.

I will admit that I find it very difficult to empathize with your situation. I have a great deal of sympathy for anyone who is experiencing the difficulties and pain you've described, but I have no idea why you put up with his behavior.

This not to say I don't believe you, I just don't understand you, and therefore the immediate advice that comes to mind and has already been extended to you: "Get away from this man ASAP," may not be something you can bring yourself to do.

It's clear that you have come to this forum to be heard, but other than us acknowledging your situation and sympathizing with you I'm not sure what anyone here can tell someone who has been willing to endure this for at least a year, that will make a difference. A great many people who come to this forum looking for advice about their personal situations already have heard the advice they are most likely to receive (they've probably given it themselves as well), but they can't bring themselves to follow it. Some people will actually include "Please don't tell me to do X," when doing X is the only sane recourse...and they know it.

The only advice I can give to you is to seek professional help from someone who is trained in how to bring people to the point where they can accept and act on the solution they already know to be the best for them. This is most likely a psychologist. I'm pretty sure you can find more than one with an office in your town or city, but if you live in a rural area you will probably have to travel to the closest large town. Depending upon where you live you can probably find one that will charge you about $100 per visit. Use google or another search engine and you will more than likely find listings of the professionals in your area.

This is the first site I found entering "finding a psychologist in my area"

https://www.therapytribe.com/?gclid=CN2nwpWLhdUCFZC6wAodS7sFDg

This link is related to the therapists in my part of the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex but you can tailor the search to your area. There are a lot of other similar sites. I'm providing this one just as an example. Most of these sites will tell you something about the therapist: what they specialize in, their methodology, as well as their rates.

You need to realize that while you may feel trapped you are actually a willing victim. Unless this man has you locked inside the house, you can walk away. That you are finding it so hard to do so is what you need to discuss with a therapist.

This guy needs therapy too, but you need to focus on yourself. The behavior you have described is not consistent with someone who loves you, and it is quite typical for abusers to say whatever it takes to keep their victims at the ready; apologies, professions of deep love, promises to stop etc etc etc. Whether or not at the time they believe what they are saying is meaningless when the abuse has been going on for a long as you've described.

Not only do you need help in solving your current problem, you need help in determining how and why you allowed yourself to be in this situation. A good therapist can help you, but you may need to try more than one before you find the right one. I can practically guarantee you though that none of them will tell you that you are in a healthy relationship and it will all work out just fine if you have patience, or just do a better job of convincing your boyfriend that you are worthy of him.

Normally I would suggest you could talk to anyone you trust and who cares for you (friend, relative, pastor etc), but in your case I really think you need the help of a trained professional. It doesn't mean you're crazy, it just means you need someone who has a better understanding of how the mind and emotions work than the average person.

You deserve much more than you are receiving from this boyfriend, and, in the end, it's going to have to be you (with help from others) who stares this realization in the face and starts down the path to a better life.

God be with you, and all the best.

As always what you don't understand you condemn. This poor lady came here for help, if you can't do that you should keep quiet. This is someone's life, not a character in one of your soaps.

Your question seems to be a cry for help. Is your partner abusive to most people or only to you? If that's what the character is then both of you should decide to do something about it. The person should admit the flaw and the willingness to seek help. And you must be willing to give the necessary encouragement to stay on course.

Bullshit. She doesn't have to stick around and hope he gets better. She does not have to be his cheerleader.

Thank you so much for your reply. I am doing everything I can now to get myself ready to eventually leave. The problem is right now I cant leave. I am financial dependant on this man. I have two horses here as well. One I could never part with so what Ive decided is to covertly begin a plan at how Im going to do this. It's hard. My first reaction to all this was to panic!!! and panic I did. Also what has been happening is that Ive been getting sick. I never know when Im going to get a verbal attacked from this man so inside myself I have become hyper vigelant and through time this has been breaking down my bodies resistance to illness. Im seeing a doctor. I saw my case worker, told her I was being abused and needed help. She refered me to a safe house where I could get counseling , but this turned out not so good. They were awful in bedside manner so to speak and not proffessional at all. Its hard to find good help where they know what you are talking about. Im not quiting. I will find a good counselor no matter how long it takes. Im seeing a doctor next week. I have become so broken and weak its scaring me. he doesnt care. He blames me for being sick. He says its in my mind. I know it isnt. I know this is what can happen to you if you are subjected to verbal assaults continously over a period of time. Ive done my research. anyways... I do need to talk more, know Im not alone, I know Im not but sometimes it feels like it. I cant panic anymore. It takes too much out of me and my priority right now is to get well and strong again. Im setting boundaries so I can do this but its hard!!! The more I set a boundary that I need space to rest, the more agressive and mean he gets. puts me down, tries to manipulate me to do things for him all the time. Sending me on errons or what ever, pushes me to make dinner for him and do monkey jobs out side in the sun, when Im having a problem with being in the heat due to meds Im on. He knows it, but ignores it. Im seeing my doctor for this too. Im suppose to rest, but he wont me, everytime I start to feel a little better I get a verbal abuse session which knocks me off my feet and Im sick again, feeling drained and weak. He says Im doing this to me. No, I know now for sure. Hes doing this. This is serious. I am now locking my door at night and if he for one second gets aggressive to get inside, I will call the police. He treats me like iM his little slave girl that has to jump up and do his bidding right then and there, and if I dont I get verbally absued. This is going to stop!Believe me.

You can do this.

Agree with Jespah, making the decision to do something about it is the hardest part, and you've done that.

Take Care, things will get better.

Listen.. I dont need advise like yours. Please do not answer to my posts anymore. You have no idea the type of con artist I am dealing with. If you answer again the way you just did. I will report you. end of story.