Please Help !! Undergraduate Essay

Sun 12 Feb, 2017 12:45 pm
TOPIC : Describe, in less than 300 words, an exceptional achievement that highlights your academic and CCA interests that would be of value to the NTU community.
Please suggest edits. Every kind of criticism is welcomed.

My most satisfying academic achievement till now has been qualifying National Talent Search Examination (NTSE) in year 2014-15 conducted by National Council of Educational Research and Training (NCERT). NTSE considered to be a difficult and the most prestigious exam at secondary level in India, around 5,00,000 students appear for it but only 775 students finally qualify the exam. NTSE is a two tier exam with 1st stage being conducted at state level and 2nd stage at national level. Securing 1st rank in state in 1st stage and being in the national merit list of NTSE 2nd stage was certainly a morale booster for me and consolidated my belief in hard work and instilled self-confidence.
I was felicitated by my school for qualifying NTSE and then it dawned upon me that it was not only my individual success but the entire school was feeling itself a very integral part of this achievement. The queries of my immediate junior classmates about how to prepare for the next year’s NTSE made me realize that your personal success, unknowingly to yourself, makes you a role model for other people and stirs them to emulate your achievement. I have now realized that it is not the student that benefits from a school/college by way of learning but the achievements of a student also enhances the reputation of the institution.
Apart from pursuing an undergraduate course in Computer Science, I am looking forward to get myself involved in challenging research project at the university where I may get a chance to work with the brightest minds in the university and develop an in-depth understanding of the subject being pursued by me and also gather insight as to how the university – industry collaboration promotes innovation.
Sun 12 Feb, 2017 01:30 pm
I realize you have a word limit but a few things need to change:
  • You wrote: 'NTSE considered' but you are missing a verb (is).
  • However, you can save yourself several words by not telling the admissions committee something they undoubtedly already know. They should be abundantly aware of which are the more prestigious exams and their abbreviations, so cut a lot of that and instead tell them you scored very well and how that made you feel and how you related it to the other students in your school.
  • Don't use the phrase 'was felicitated by'. It's in passive voice and it looks truly pretentious, as if you had grabbed a thesaurus and selected the first word you liked. You were pleased, or happy. Use those words. You got the terrific score (congratulations, by the way); you don't need to prove your intelligence with these kinds of words. Your score already speaks for itself. Instead, try writing something like 'I was happy to learn that'. Same thing with the word 'queries' - change it to something like 'my junior classmates asked me how I prepared'.
  • Change all of those instances of second person (you, your) to first person, because the person it all happened to was you.

I have no doubt you are a smart person, and I wish you well in your schooling. But you don't have to bang people over the head with your intelligence all the time. Readability is really important too. Don't dumb down your message, of course, but you also don't have to add a ton of syllables when you just don't need them.
Sun 12 Feb, 2017 10:54 pm
Thank you for your valuable insight.
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