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Fri 30 Dec, 2016 07:58 pm
Hi,
I'm a 32 years old good looking male with a happy and steady marriage. I've had 2 times before where I have gotten infatuated with women and it almost ruined my marriage, it happened 7 years ago when I didn't know infatuation can't be controlled.
Now 7 years later, I hired a female worker who's 23, and after talking to her about general subjects for a few days, I found myself unable to stop thinking about her. I wake up in the morning and she is my mind. I get anxious when she is not around, I have butterflies in my stomach, Can't eat, can't sleep, and I crave for her to message me. When she is around me I feel calm and secure but when she's not I feel all these things.
This ruined me. I can't function. I love my wife, and I keep wishing this girl would get out of my head but it's out of my control. Something in her eyes and the way she talks made me this way. AND IM NOT EVEN SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER! That's the funny thing.
Anyways, I decided I can no longer bear this, and I messaged her, telling her that we can no longer talk about subjects that has nothing to do with work, and that we should avoid being near each other because it makes me confused, and affects me negatively. She in response, said that it's just general chat and shouldn't affect anything. I told her that some things are out of my control, and chemistry can't be controlled either. She said she understands and it will be like that from now on.
Which proved my theory that she is not interested in me at all. I'm not trying to even understand how can it happen to me, when she doesn't even like me. But it doesn't matter.
Tonight I told my wife about this and told her that after reading in the forums I concluded that what happens to me has nothing to do with her. It's out of my control, and that I love her. It calmed her that I told her that I take distance from this girl now, however, I will still have to physically face her every day for 2 hours.
My infatuation immediately decreased by around 80% after I concluded that this girl isn't even interested in me, or interested in the why I am feeling this, or what am I feeling at all. The lack of her interest switched my infatuation by a huge percentile. Also the fact that she has a lot of male friends makes me sick. But maybe she's a lesbian, who knows.
My questions are:
- Is it ok I told her those boundaries?
- How come she doesn't even care what I feel? I mean, I just told her we should take distance because I start feeling unwanted things, and she isn't even curious what they are about. I find it strange.
- Do you think my infatuation can increase again if I see her every day even though I take distance now? Or should I just aim to fire her? Problem is firing her is not an option since she'll know firing her would be because I feel something for her. So I have to keep her in the meantime in a distance.
Would love to hear your suggestions.
Thanks
@mbn,
mbn wrote:My questions are:
- Is it ok I told her those boundaries?
- How come she doesn't even care what I feel? I mean, I just told her we should take distance because I start feeling unwanted things, and she isn't even curious what they are about. I find it strange.
- Do you think my infatuation can increase again if I see her every day even though I take distance now? Or should I just aim to fire her? Problem is firing her is not an option since she'll know firing her would be because I feel something for her. So I have to keep her in the meantime in a distance.
- Of course it was okay to tell her. You got it out there and, assuming you said what you wrote here (and didn't fall on your knees, declare love, etc.), then it's fine. Work should be for work anyway. You want to concentrate on work. No great mystery there, beyond the rest of it. You are entitled to - surprise! - want to get your job done.
- Now is the time for you to stop giving a **** about what she thinks and feels unless it directly bears on work. Period, end of story.
- Oh FFS you can't fire her over this unless you enjoy being on the receiving end of a lawsuit. And won't that be a blast? You can, to the jury, tell them about how you were hurt when she didn't care that you said you only wanted to talk about work. Put that crap out of your mind NOW. However, you say you might develop feelings for her again. Well, y'know something? I am going to let you in on a little secret. Adults figure out how to get around that and not let their hormones run their lives.
If you cannot figure out how to think with your brain and not another part of your anatomy, might I suggest counseling? And go - and talk about this and anything else, and get some tools for dealing with this stuff. Furthermore, I might add, consider why you hired this woman in the first place (I am assuming you did). If you hired her because you thought she was cute, then stop right there and bring in a temp HR worker and have them do the hiring the next time you need help at your business so that this crap doesn't happen again. Do not set yourself or your marriage up for failure like this.
@mbn,
You're 32 years old but you sound like an irresponsible schoolboy. What do you mean you can't control yourself. If you can't nobody can. So are you out of control?
If you love and respect your wife you must control yourself. If not, then end your marriage and go screwing around like a playboy.
Quote:I love my wife, and I keep wishing this girl would get out of my head but it's out of my control
Do you really think SHE can get out of your head? How exactly would she do that?
Why are you messaging an employee about non work-related matters? That's very unprofessional.
Quote:Also the fact that she has a lot of male friends makes me sick.
Why do you care if she has male friends? The only reason you'd care about this is if you planned to have a relationship with her and you wanted her to be "pure" for you.
Quote:Which proved my theory that she is not interested in me at all. I'm not trying to even understand how can it happen to me, when she doesn't even like me. But it doesn't matter.
It matters to you a LOT. Ask yourself why.
Quote:- How come she doesn't even care what I feel? I mean, I just told her we should take distance because I start feeling unwanted things, and she isn't even curious what they are about. I find it strange.
Maybe she's trying to be professional!
Quote:Or should I just aim to fire her?
How the hell did a douche like you ever get into a position of authority?
Grow up. Try to act like a man, if possible.
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