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Mon 12 Dec, 2016 08:32 am
ive been with my boyfriend for a year and for the last 4 months he's been messaging other woman on dating sites, telling them they're sexy, beautiful, if they want sex, that he's looking for that special someone to settle down with ETC, once i confronted him about it he said he's really sorry, he was in a dark place, doesnt know why he's done it, he's down that he's upset me, he wants me t give him a chance to prove to him he wont do it again and im the girl for him. I want to believe him but im finding it difficult. there was one girl that he was telling her she's special and they would look good together, he wants to meet her etc. I am positive he has never pgysically cheated and never met anyone as i always know his whearabout BUT he has cheated emotionally and its all dating sites. I dont know wheather he's addicted to them as he was single for 2 years before i met him and he was on them all the time then. any ideas what i should do? suggestions please?
@melanie83,
This guy's got issues.
See if he can stay off ALL electronic devices for two weeks. You too. (Yes, you too)
See if you two can re-acquaint yourselves without outside interferences.
@melanie83,
What has he suggested that he will do to regain your trust?
@melanie83,
melanie83 wrote:
once i confronted him about it he said he's really sorry, he was in a dark place, doesnt know why he's done it, he's down that he's upset me, he wants me t give him a chance to prove to him he wont do it again
What's the time frame here (between discovering his emotional cheating and his promising and this thread)? Any further online activity take place?
no he hasn't done anymore since the last time (that i know of) he hasn't been on his phone infromt of me. just wanting help to see what everyone would do? would you forgive and try build up the trust? he has messaged aout 50 woman maybe more? but never physically cheated? or would you end it?
@melanie83,
50?! I doubt he can break that addiction. He needs to be some kind of marvel of a superhero (in other aspects of his life) to deserve a second chance after that. If he ain't, dump him already.
I would take a guess that you don't have sex. Maybe he has fantasies of sex and you don't do it with him so he seeks out other girls to talk about sexual things.
If you do have sex, maybe it's a different problem
yes we do have sex, we have a good sex life, i still question why hes done it etc he keeps saying he was in a dark place that he will never do this again to me, he's realised how much i mean to him etc BUT i dont know if i belive him. a part of me just wants to end it to save me gettig hurt again but another part of me wants to see if he is telling me the truth, that he is really sorry and i will see in time that he does love me. Im stuck between a rock and a hard place, and i dont know weather to go with my head or my heart
@melanie83,
What has he told you he will do to regain your trust?
What action is he committing himself to?
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Not, what won't he do - what is he going to do?
Asking you what you want is not at all the same thing.
He needs to come up with the solution himself. You can decide if that is acceptable to you - but he needs to independently come up with a solution. Your responsibility is to tell him that.
@melanie83,
Just keep him off the Internet then
he doesnt go on his phone when im there anymore but i cant stop him going on it when hes at work or not with me. He needs a phone due to the distance he trvels to work. Thanks the thing i dont know what to ask for fir him to prove to me that he wont do it again? what you anyone else expect from him? what would they ask him to do?
@melanie83,
melanie83 wrote: Thanks the thing i dont know what to ask for fir him to prove to me that he wont do it again?
It's not up to you to spoon-feed him the answers.
He needs to tell you what he is going to do to regain your trust.
Have you asked him what he is going to do differently?
He said apart from not going on his phone (we have no computer, laptop, tablet etc) he said he doesnt know how else he can prove it to me. he's promised but that means nothing to me. Suggestions? I know that if i forgive him i have to put it behind me but i dont want him thinking this is a green light for him to go ot again.
@melanie83,
melanie83 wrote:He said apart from not going on his phone (we have no computer, laptop, tablet etc) he said he doesnt know how else he can prove it to me.
that wouldn't be a satisfactory response to me.
he needs to think harder about what actions he is going to take.
what actions would you expect? what would you ask for?
@melanie83,
The problem is that I don't know what would help you regain trust. We're different people. Different things bug us - different things make us happy - different things help with developing trust.
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Try to think about when you first started going out - what was it about him that made you think he was a good bet for a relationship?
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Is he trying to behave differently when he is with you? what things has he done to try to rekindle the early days of the relationship? what things has he done to make your current relationship more solid?
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Looking at the thread topic again. Did he send you nude pix? What has he done lately/ever to make you think you're the one he wants more than anyone else?
because i thought he was loyal and that ib would mean the world to him. this wasnt the case. he's trying to be more lovey dovey etc but he's asked me what i want him to do to prove he wont do it again BUT i dont know
what would anyone else ask for?
@melanie83,
Don't let him get away with asking you what will make things better for you. Really. He's a grown-up. He needs to think about you and what he knows about you.
One thing works consistently for me. If my partner says "what can I do to help you?" ... that means the world to me. If I have to ask for help, I lose (and have lost) any investment in the relationship*. That offer of help could come while I'm cooking/cleaning/worrying, really anything. This is very specific to me and my needs.
* you can't even imagine the fury I feel if someone says "I would have helped if you'd just asked".
He cleans and does a lot around the house already. He knows I'm hurting and he knows if o ever caught him doing it again it would deffo be over, but I want proof he won't do t again but can't tell him how he needs to do this
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