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Mon 12 Sep, 2016 03:22 am
My husband and partner of seven years, has been loving and devoted until this year we experienced a very hard time in our marriage, I fully take my part in this. We moved countries/jobs/experienced financial pressure/and moved far from family and friends. I didn’t deal with this well, I withdrew he felt unloved by me. This is untrue but this is valid, it is how he felt. I also suspect at this time stress and pressure at work had made him depressed. It was the perfect storm. He subsequently had a relationship for 3 months with an older, divorced woman .She behaved as a friend at first, but knowingly involved herself with a married man, she promised him the world and made him feel good, he fell in love with her, during this short time. He now feels heartbreak and guilt (for both her and for me). He is angry he blames me for triggering the affair and causing this pain, if I hadn’t withdrawn from him it never would have happened. I wish every day I could turn the clock back.
He told me about this relationship and agreed to cut contact. I want to stay together I still deeply love him. He has offered to turn down a great job opportunity for him, in order to move countries with me, back home, away from her to ‘try’ to give our marriage a real chance. He uses the word ‘try’ which worries me. It has been 4 months since he told me about the relationship. He is still confused he tells me he still has feelings for the other woman but is trying to put them to one side. He loves me but also loves someone else and he is choosing to try to rekindle our marriage. He is sacrificing the job and this other woman to do so. He tells me this should show me that he is committed. Would someone really stay out of obligation? If he was going to leave would he have done so by now?
I asked him to cut contact with her and he has attempted to do so but she still contacts him. I feel cutting contact could be properly achieved by blocking her phone number and email. He can’t understand why this failure to be more firm with her might ultimately stop us from working things out with our marriage and how important it is. He tells me he feels guilt towards the other woman, feels he owes her something. He worries that she will never meet someone like him again and be unhappy in life. He is a good person, not someone who sought out an affair. I worry she plays on his conscience to get what she wants, attention, continued contact, promises for the future.
Worse than the infidelity, is the way he treats me now. He blames me for the pain we are both now going through, and tells me that he is giving up the job and is heartbroken, he loves me but sometimes resents me, he is frustrated with life particularly over giving up the job opportunity. He became highly critical of me, and lashes out in anger at me, other times he stonewalls me. I know he is in pain I focus on the bigger picture which is our future together. Other times he is affectionate and loving. He tells me to be patient with him because he is hurting. He lacks the empathy to stop this behaviour. My mother tells me we lash out at the ones we love the most. I don’t know if this is par for the course in the situation I am in and when the affair fog passes will it improve. I feel like it is a risk I don’t really know what to do about this. If I push too hard I might push him back towards her, if I put up with things even temporarily it might worsen and it is damaging to me. This is the most hurtful part because this is not the man I once knew. Is this behaviour sometimes normal after an affair, does it pass?
I have a real chance to save my marriage, because he wants to move with me and work on things. It’s also a risk because it requires him in two month’s time to move countries with me and turn down the job of his dreams and for my part I don’t want to get hurt again. I am getting older and I truly want to have a family. I had truly hoped it would be with this man. I have never been in a situation like this before.
@katiepage,
Wait, he's the one who had the affair and he blames you?
Go to therapy. Alone if you must, together if you can get him to go.
Get some tools for dealing with this bullshit, because that's what it is. He's an adult and should take some responsibility for his actions.
@katiepage,
Thank you so much for your response. (I have enrolled in therapy and so has he, not together, individually for now), he wants to go by himself first to get himself together. Do you think that it's that black and white? I am trying to see his point of view so I can fix the problems that led up to this and salvage the marriage. The thing is his reaction which is at times angry, resentful etc has thrown me. I can get over the affair itself, it's the not knowing whether he is serious about/choosing to come with me for the right reasons that really gets to me. He is making such a bold move to go and move countries with me, however he finds fault with me and admits he has feelings for the other woman. Perhaps he is being too honest. I'm living in limbo so I'm reaching out for advice. I want to stay married I'm scared that this resentful angry side to him which wasnt' part of our relationship before is here to stay.
@katiepage,
Good that everyone is talking to an impartial observer.
I don't know, of course, if his behavior is permanent. He seems to resent that his particular apple cart was toppled. But he's not seeing his part in that.
@katiepage,
I've been there, my ex husband had several affairs. All were "my fault". That is total BS. Problems in the relationship, yes, I will own that, but he chose to have the affairs, same as your husband. And mine refused to end contact with the other woman, and that is when it ended for us. He needs to choose,a nd then not resent you for his choice. If he's hurting too bad! He caused it.
I am confused about this "move."
Are you BOTH moving to another country. Why?
Have you not lived together all this time?
He is pouting. He has to give up his little fling AND his job. He lashes out at you. He's hoping that you will push him away.
Time to look at this marriage. You might have to give him what he wants - his job opportunity AND his lover.
@katiepage,
If he is blaming you now for his unfaithfulness and resenting you, wait until you moved back to your own country. He'll be blaming you that it's your fault he let the better job slide and leave another women whom he loved.
I have to say your husband is so full of himself thinking that the other woman will never find a man like him. Him? The one who immediately cheats on his wife if there is a problem in the marriage? The one who blames his wife for all of it? The one who has not realized what he did? Give me a break!
He is no price, not even a consolation one!
I am glad you're going to therapy, but I think you should make arrangements for yourself. Your husband is not willing to take responsibility for his action, he turns around and blames you instead.
By the way, the other woman is not married, she can choose freely whom she gets involved with, it's your husband who is married - he solely is to blame here, not the other woman.
@PUNKEY,
Hi Punkey, yes that's right we have always lived together. I actually moved countries with him so he could take up a job opportunity abroad we initially intended to go back home together after a certain amount of time. Then he was offered a further opportunity abroad (this time in another country). We had been talking it over until he was honest with me about everything and I made it clear to him I couldn't make another move with him and essentially start from scratch with finding a job myself and making new friends etc. With things so damaged between us. I told him I needed to go home and be near family and friends and repair things. He had a choice he could come back with me and work on the marriage or pursue this other opportunity. I didn't rule anything out in the future but I couldn't go under these circumstances. He has currently chosen to go back home with me.
@CalamityJane,
Hi Jane thanks to you and to everyone for their responses. The thing is he has been an amazing partner for several years, I made many mistakes in the past 6 months I can take my part in this and get beyond the affair and fully heal ie we both forget about it. The thing that I can't understand, the thing that is really unsettling is his behaviour now. I thought that if someone has an affair they would do everything they can to make it right. He has apologised to me, agreed to cut contact and to move. On paper to other people it looks good. However, at other times he will openly tell me that he resents giving up the job, he has feelings still for the other woman, he will shout at me when I do something silly or wrong (which I do more often because I am preoccupied and worried about our situation), and list all my flaws and shortcomings, (things he never said to me before she came into the picture), sometimes when I phone him at work he will shout at me over the phone asking what I want. When I ask him about this behaviour he tells me he is hurting dealing with guilt and heartbreak, he points out that it doesn't happen all the time (which is true), but it is pretty hard when it does. It tends to happen when he is tired or stressed. This is the part I find so confusing, it's like I am married to a different man. The one I knew was so loving that's why I stay I miss that person I am worried I have caused a permanent change in him.
@katiepage,
You have not caused any change in him. Either that's on him or he was this way all along, Either way, not you, so stop taking the blame for his bad behavior.
He's blaming you for losing his toy. He needs to grow up, until he knows what he wants, y'all will not get past this.
@PUNKEY,
You know, you hit the nail on the head, what this is the thing I'm most worried about that I'm trying to work on things and he is just through his behaviour pushing me away. He said something interesting, that he is worried I will leave him so he is testing the boundaries how far he can push things to test for a latent reaction before he moves countries with me. He tells me he doesn't want to live for the rest of his life with guilt. The thing he doesn't understand is that I don't and I wouldn't. The other thing I don't understand is that I have told him he can leave, I can't make him stay with me and yet he still does. If the only thing keeping him with me is a sense of obligation and he really loved the other woman and wanted the job, why wouldn't he take it? Is this normal behaviour under these circumstances?
@katiepage,
He want YOU to make the decision about this.
Either he is committed or not. He does not have the courage to say what he wants. Instead he plays the "poor little boy" who is caught and can't admit his responsibility.
Give him a deadline to decide. Let him know that you WILL live if he decides he wants to break if off, but that you will date others and go on with your life.
@PUNKEY,
Thanks Punkey
Yes, I have told my boss I am leaving and taken steps to move (from the country where we currently are living to where we came from originally) by first week of November. I don't have a job lined up there yet, which I am working on. Essentially I can't take the fact that he won't properly cut contact, she lives 10 minutes away, turns up at his office, his social events, (texts him lingerie pictures), etc he may see nothing wrong with that, because says he can't control what she sends to him and that he doesn't respond, but every time we start to get on track, she surfaces again, and some things are not worth your peace of mind. I explained to him why I can't stay here, he is not happy about it, however I told him the ball is in his court. I say this quite often to him, that he has a choice in all of this. He keeps telling me that he is moving home with me. He has already agreed this move with his current employer, and started taking steps to ship our things. I would be much more hopeful if his day to day attitude towards me was not so bad. In his view this is punishment, as we would have stayed on here if this hadn't happened, and he believes my behavior caused it to happen and now he is losing out. He just can't see that anyone in my position would want to (a) put some distance in given the the behavior, (which if he genuinely told her to cut contact, after only a 2 month relationship taking place is bizarre ) and (b) go somewhere that we could actually have peace. He views this as me curbing his career. The thing is if he had just firmly cut contact, and not behaved the way he did, I would have felt more secure and fine staying here. I have always supported his career that's why we moved here in the first place. He will never see it that way.
@katiepage,
katiepage wrote: (I have enrolled in therapy and so has he, not together, individually for now), he wants to go by himself first to get himself together.
is there a reason both of you are jumping around career-and location-wise before giving counselling a chance to work?
are you both committed to going to counselling if/when you move home?
@ehBeth,
Hi EhBeth
Good question! I started counselling and asked him to come with me. He felt I was trying to control the process, by choosing the counsellor and he said the counsellor would have preconceptions about him and side with me. He became annoyed and lashed out at me about this, shouted at me and told me I was trying to bring this up on purpose ruin the evening, make him angry and manipulate him. I was surprised by his strong reaction, counselling had helped me to alleviate some of the hurt. I thought it would do the same for him, my counsellor is a professional he is not judgemental he was offering to do couples sessions at no extra charge to what I was already paying. Fortunately, he set up his own counselling it has helped him. Even for himself, completely aside from me I think it is good for him. If there are things he wants to talk about without me present that's ok. I would like to do couples counselling I know we need it I am just worried about how to raise this again given his reaction the last time, I am also glad he is doing counselling at all (even individual sessions), I don't want to derail this, but yes we do really need counselling together to try and get through.
Regarding the moves, we moved countries (to the other side of the world) for his job I found a new job after we moved, I worked very hard to get a better job than I had before but I did leave my family and friends back home for him. He is happy here he has further job opportunities and the other woman. I'm not that's why I want us to go back home.
@katiepage,
the fact that you both are open to counselling is great. Whether you stay together or not, you both will be better off.
I was told once that you should spread out major life changes - like moving, changing jobs, getting married, having kids, should all be at least a year apart.
@katiepage,
I'd recommend staying where you are until you've both been in counselling for at least six months (preferably a full year).
Let his counsellor help him with the other woman issues he needs to sort out - and perhaps at some point you'll be able to add couples counselling to the individual counselling.
Moving before the counselling has a chance to work seems like sabotaging any chance of success (for the counselling and marriage).
@ehBeth,
I agree, stay where you are and figure it out - then make the hard decisions if needed
@Tiger81,
Hi Both,
I agree, we have been in individual counselling for 2 months and we need to do it as a couple and stick with is as a couple I'm getting ready to broach the couple counselling option with him seeing as he has got more out of the individual sessions than he expected to. We will have to move as we have already given up our jobs here and put things in train for that move. We will have to switch counselors for this reason, but we will stick with it. My hope is that this combined with putting some distance with the other woman at least so she can stop turning up at his work socials and his office. I know it probably has a lot to do with how he communicated the no contact rule with her. I imagine not very firmly and this is a big part of the problem. There are ways and means of stopping someone contacting you if you are minded to do it. I probably have to have the guts to tell him unless the contact is eliminated completely including anything solely from her there is no point in him saying he is moving with me. He minimizes this issue but its so key to everything.
@katiepage,
It is key to everything that he is the one to make sure they is not contact between them. My ex husband agreed in counseling that he had to end contact woth the other woman for us to move past his latest affair. He swore he would and claimed he did, but 6 months later, I saw on the phone bill that he was still talking to her. That was the end of our marriage.
And he needs to give you full access to his phone, etc. Its his job to provide you with what you need to rebuild trust. Not yours!
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