Unfaithful Husband wants to work it out but he resents me

FWIW,
Counseling is always seen as the silver bullet in your situation but I'm guessing there is no solution to your dilemma inside the realm of social norms.

You might be able to achieve a 'stable' situation by denying the reality that humans need intimacy with more than their spouse but it will be at the cost of 'cutting off' pieces of ones self.

Intimacy is not synonomous with sex. The reason I think there is no solution to your problem is that you would not be happy even if the other woman were on another planet and was no threat but your husband still had feelings for her.

Thus, you make love a crime.

I'm not saying that your husband is faultless, he is as confused as you are and does not know how to handle his 'crime' of loving.

You are so right I have a situation this weekend along those lines I will let you know how it goes.

Best wishes to you, I know its not an easy journey,

Hi Leadfoot

I

Hi Leadfoot

I'm afraid I can't be that progressive. Security is important to me, meaning the feeling of security that comes from knowing that the closest person to you in life your spouse is fully there for you, putting you first. The thing people sometimes don't realise about affairs, at least I hadn't is that often it is not the betrayal itself or the physical acts involved which went much further than emotional intimacy, you can get over that. I hadn't realised the thing you grieve the most is that you lose that precious feeling that safety and the bond you build up with that person. Even if they are still with you, you will never be able to trust with abandon again. Life is hard enough, there are medical issues, a parent could become ill, you might have many disappointments you were not expecting, this bond can give you strength in these scenarios. To feel like you are, replaceable, disposable, competing and fighting on all fronts, including for the attention and fidelity of your partner is not something that everyone can take. I guess that is why I have so many questions in relation to why he stays on some level I no longer care about the affair but I care about whether from his side our bond is stronger than what has happened here. I will never have full security but knowing deep down that the love and his reasons for staying were real would go a long way.

Very well thought out and expressed.

Thank you

katiepage,
You did express the normal insecurities brought on by a partner having emotional ties to another very well. Those are the norms we are brought up with and I realize that I am swimming upstream with these alternative view points. And of course, they are just my idea of a better way to organize society. I know of no group, place or community where these ideas are practiced.

I do need to add that in the scenario I imagine, love is never a reason to abandon the commitments you have made to others.

It is only society's assumption that love is a binary thing or a zero sum game i.e., love given to someone else is love taken from you. I dont think it has to be that way but it has been drilled into us all our lives from the time we can communicate.