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Just started a new job.....

 
 
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 05:51 pm
I just recently started a job. I thought everything was going well till I found out everyone was invited to an afterparty gathering and I was one of the only ones not invited. It's not because I'm new because another person who got hired after me was invited. I know that I am a nice, sweet person, but what is up? I brought it up to the person who organized it (who also happens to be somewhat of a supervisor) and I did get the confirmation that no, I wasn't invited and an apology. I was surprised because the announcement was made at the beginning of the week out loud and then everyone was personally invited (while I was out somewhere else).What do I make of this?
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 05:55 pm
@heythereyou,
I don't know, you tell us what you make of this.

An afterparty? You mean there was already a party you Were invited to?
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 06:02 pm
@heythereyou,
Sounds fishy. Ask around; they must surely know the answer.
heythereyou
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 06:04 pm
@chai2,
No, sorry, I meant after work everyone was invited to hang out at a restaurant/bar/dance type place.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 06:29 pm
@heythereyou,
Were you hired in the same type of position as the other person?

Maybe it was supposed to be for a specific department or level of employee.

If everyone else were programers, or sales etc, and I was hired as the receptionist I probably wouldn't have been expected to be asked.
heythereyou
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 06:50 pm
@chai2,
No, we're all in the same position. The truth is, as social as I am, I always expect to somehow be left out somewhere. I think it's because I have been hurt by people in the past (as we all have). I just expect it to be that way. I'm okay with not going to any social function after work. I would have liked to be asked, though.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 06:54 pm
@heythereyou,
heythereyou wrote:
I was one of the only ones not invited


it wasn't just you

some people are part of a social group based at your employer and you're not part of it

perhaps you'll become part of the group in the future, perhaps not

___

it's generally best if our social groups aren't based in work

if you want to go out, find a meetup group near you that interests you and join them in their activities
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 06:55 pm
@heythereyou,
heythereyou wrote:
I brought it up to the person who organized it (who also happens to be somewhat of a supervisor)


I'm curious why you did this?
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 08:39 pm
Tobe honest it sounds on the surface wildly inappropriate. If it an after work get together where co workers are invited you invite all..g even those you don't like. I've worked in the professional world for 30 years and I've never encountered an after work type get together where it isn't an open invitation for all.

What are the circumstances . .... why wouldn't everyone be invited? Is it in a public bar, pub, restaurant ?
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 08:51 pm
@Linkat,
That's been my experience too!
I have personally organized some a2k parties that was an open invitation to everybody who wanted to attend.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 07:13 am
Obvious question: are you of age?

Plus, have you given any indication through conversations that you are not comfortable in a bar or where alcohol would be served?

Perhaps your "non invitation" really came from your attitude or your own standards.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 08:29 am
We don't know this is a work after-party.

This could be friends that work together going out together after work.

Those are two very diferent things.

I've been to many events with one or a few co-workers over the past decades. We wouldn't invite ALL of our co-workers to join us. That just doesn't make sense. Just because we work together doesn't mean we're all friends.

__

For close to a decade I worked at a place that gave us the Friday afternoon before every long weekend off. I had two friends at work that I had a special Friday afternoon with every summer long weekend. It was after work, but had nothing to do with work. The thought of other people thinking they had a right to be part of that is truly off-putting.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 11:29 am
@ehBeth,
Agreeing ehBeth.

The OP said something about at least being asked, which I agree with.

Sometimes people are just oblivious, maybe chalk it up to that.

Years ago, there were 3 women who I was friendly with, and it just so happened that once a week on the same night we were all at a particular location for a common purpose. There were other people there, but we tended to sit with each other and talk before and after the event. Then afterwards, the 3 of them would say to each other something like "ok, I'll see you there, which movie are we going to see?" then they'd all leave in their separate cars to meet up at the theater. They weren't mean spirited about it. It just seemed like it was a thing they'd been doing for a long time. Their thing.

Then one day, one of them looked at me and asked "Chai, why don't you ever come to the movies to us?"

I was surprised and said "No one ever asked me."

From then on I went with them.

This was a really innocent omission on their part, but through obverving people over the years, I've seen someone chronically left out, and can tell by watching at least one of the others that this is a calculated move, done in a way that can later be denied, but it's there.

Some people are really weird.
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  4  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 05:12 pm
@cicerone imposter,
cicerone imposter wrote:

Sounds fishy. Ask around; they must surely know the answer.

Noooo. You don't want to sound stalkerish and bitter. The OP should just forget about this (hopefully) fluke. Go to work like nothing happened and try to build a friendly rapport with his coworkers. Make a positive impression (make friends).... Get invited another time.

If a pattern of not being invited continues then I'd worry that something is wrong.
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 05:19 pm
@heythereyou,
heythereyou wrote:

I just recently started a job. I thought everything was going well till I found out everyone was invited to an afterparty gathering and I was one of the only ones not invited. It's not because I'm new because another person who got hired after me was invited. I know that I am a nice, sweet person, but what is up? I brought it up to the person who organized it (who also happens to be somewhat of a supervisor) and I did get the confirmation that no, I wasn't invited and an apology. I was surprised because the announcement was made at the beginning of the week out loud and then everyone was personally invited (while I was out somewhere else).What do I make of this?

You're omitting/not telling us something... about your personality. Are you shy and inhibited? Perhaps a tad too crass and overbearing?

Drop this one time as a fluke and try to be more open and friendly with your coworkers, perhaps. Maybe they don't know you enough to place you in their circle of trusted friends (where the other new hire clicked with them on a different social level)?

Just a suggestion. Your post is vague on details. Who you are. What job and relationship does your position in respect to your coworkers. What position and relationship does the other new hire have with them? Etc...
0 Replies
 
heythereyou
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Aug, 2016 04:20 pm
I hope you don't get two responses, because my last response did not post. Anyway thank you guys for all of your responses. I am not too shy. I am friendly. I back off if I think people want to be left alone. I feel that I am appropriate. I thought of speaking to the supervisor once more to see if there is an issue with something. Because he is the supervisor and he did the inviting, I have to wonder. If it was just a few friends, that would be totally different. It's a small work environment. Just twenty people or so. I don't want to feel uncomfortable, I want to nip this in the bud. Should I speak to the supervisor and ask if something might have happened to cause this? They don't know me enough yet, but to discount me right off the bat?
roger
 
  4  
Reply Sun 21 Aug, 2016 04:35 pm
@heythereyou,
My suggestion is to let it pass, and not ask anyone. They might feel compelled to answer, and you probably won't like the answer. They might even feel defensive, which would not be a good thing.
cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Sun 21 Aug, 2016 04:36 pm
@roger,
I agree with roger; let this one pass, and forget it.
0 Replies
 
heythereyou
 
  3  
Reply Sun 21 Aug, 2016 04:57 pm
Guys, I appreciate all your responses. I will take your answers to heart and let it pass. I like this forum. I would like to read up and hope to put my two cents in to help.
0 Replies
 
georgeob1
 
  3  
Reply Sun 21 Aug, 2016 05:09 pm
@roger,
roger wrote:

My suggestion is to let it pass, and not ask anyone. They might feel compelled to answer, and you probably won't like the answer. They might even feel defensive, which would not be a good thing.


I believt that is wise. I don't know the details, but it is easy for me to imagine that a new person could have been forgotten.rticularly if the after pary event was a spontaneous thing.

It's hard to see any benefit to you from raising, or even visibly noticing, the issue . Let it pass and make your judgments on more substantial things. My experience has been that pne gets neither love nor friendship by seeking them.
To get a friend: be a friend.
0 Replies
 
 

 
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