Revenge Of The Killer Breasts!

"DOLLY'S BREASTS ARE KILLING HER!"

That's a headline worthy of at least a few dozen exclamation marks!!!

"My boobs are killing me," singing chest Dolly Parton has been saying to her pals, who have been passing the information on to the National Enquirer.

"And she worries that if it's this bad now, what will be like in 10 or 20 years from now?"

We dread to think, and wonder if Dolly has considered divorcing her famous assets?

Sure, she fears that without her famous attributes that overshadow her voice, her feet and half of Texas she will be a has-been, but she can still make her chest pay.

Perhaps Dolly's double-D breasts could be placed on display in a museum - along with Michael Jackson's noses, Elizabeth Taylor's looks and Anna Nicole Smith's stomachs?

But then, how would they be displayed? As the magazine that knows says, even wearing a supportive bra is not good enough. So what chance a small plinth?

Dolly could have reductive surgery, having the air bags that have inflated her already generous frontage to such gigantic proportions removed.

But this too is not without problems for tormented Dolly, who has, as the story says, already ruled out this option.

However, just as hope threatens to sag, an insider suggests that something of a miracle may yet save Dolly's career from drying up like the discs in her load-bearing back.

The insider esplains that not too long ago Dolly was having trouble with her silicone.

"The silicone was leaking and travelling round her body, causing nodules to appear in her upper arms."

"In effect she was growing little 'breasts' of silicone."

And therein lurks the remedy. Dolly can not so much lose her trademark tits as have she can have them transferred to an area of the body where she can support them more easily.

Sure, having tits on your arms is unusual, but Dolly is already far form normal.

And if she's worried, she can always pass them off as huge biceps or just say that, like many women of a certain age, she's stuffed several hundred tissues up her sleeves.