@timur,
Geez Timur, I apologize for the delay in responding to your response. I honestly didn't think anyone was taking me serious here so I hadn't even glanced to see if anyone responded. It is disturbing to me... this thought of being damaged beyond repair. But it has been nothing more than a struggle through the years... to even try to understand, let alone comprehend, how others get to experience this whole "sex thing". I fear some days I won't ever get to know what it's like. Uninhibited.
You said "self repair". That is the story of my life, this whole self repair business. I have never been able to afford to go to counseling. The bits I have had over the years has been because it was free or the company I worked for paid for it. Oh, I have desperately wanted counseling 100's of times over the years. Believe me. Only to be left in a lonely heep of helplessness because I wasn't educated enough to get a job that paid good enough for me to afford the counseling I needed. And there is so much judgement around that in my society. It's my own fault, right? That's what society tells me. No matter how bad I wanted help, somehow it's always been my fault I couldn't afford it.
It angers me honestly.
But that's neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that there is no button on my "mother board" that says, "Let go when the occasion arises." No button at all, I promise I have looked. Mine says, "Oh my God I don't like this, stop right now." Even though physically I may like what's happening... Emotionally there is an emergency shut off valve that just activates on it's own. Dear God I am not trying to get too personal here. It's just frustrating, and what... shall I wait another four or five years until I could possibly afford counseling to figure this out? So, I will... figure this out on my own... as always... no worries... I just found it fascinating that this... THIS... is the possibility I am facing...
Might be worth letting a few more of the emotional bags go for... Heh...