Man in the Box
Alice In Chains
I'm the man in the box
Buried in my ****
Won't you come and save me, save me
Feed my eyes, can you sew them shut?
Jesus Christ, deny your maker
He who tries, will be wasted
Feed my eyes now you've sewn them shut
I'm the dog who gets beat
Shove my nose in ****
Won't you come and save me, save me
Feed my eyes, can you sew them shut?
Jesus Christ, deny your maker
He who tries, will be wasted
Feed my eyes now you've sewn them shut
Also really like Sandi Patti's A Morning Like This.
There was a song about Jesus on this Comedy Central sketch show a few years ago . . . don't remember the show, or the lyrics except for these few lines:
He thinks he's so great when he raises the dead
And that trick he does with a piece of bread
A second rate magician with everlasting life
Whose latest trick is my disappearing wife
My wife ran off with a guy named Jesus
I'm just as good as that guy named Jesus
I can walk on water when it freezes
I can cure the crippled with a prosthesis
My wife ran off with a guy named Jesus
et al
On another different sketch comedy show on Comedy Central I can't remember, they had a song that went:
I saw Jesus . . . headin' for Hollywood
And boy . . . was he PISSED
If anyone knows about that first song, let me know. I'm pretty sure the second one was only those two lines.
Wish I could help you out, dantebk. Maybe someone else has heard of those songs. Welcome to the site, by the way.
Jesus Built my Hotrod...Minstry and Butthole sufers
I like this one:
Plastic Jesus
Ernie Marrs
I don't care if it rains of freezes
'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I'm afraid He'll have to go.
His magnets ruin my radio
And if I have a wreck He'll leave a scar.
Riding down a thoroughfare
With His nose up in the air,
A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind.
Trouble coming He don't see,
He just keeps His eye on me
And any other thing that lies behind.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Though the sunshine on His back
Make Him peel, chip and crack,
A little patching keeps Him up to par.
When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say "damn"
I can let all my curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
'Cause he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Once His robe was snowy white,
Now it isn't quite so bright -
Stained by the smoke of my cigar.
If I weave around at night,
And policemen think I'm tight,
They never find my bottle - though they ask.
Plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb -
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.
[Plastic Jesus has become quite entrenched in the folk tradition, so there are considerably more folk verses than there were original ones. Following are folk additions and emendations, as well as additions from recording artists who have covered this song.]
Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I could go a hundred miles an hour
Long as I got the Almighty Power
Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice
{Refrain - repeat between every verse}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far
I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car
You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell
I don't care what they say, I'm gonna
Keep on prayin' to that pink madonna
Melted to the dashboard of my car.
I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car
No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar
Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par
When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who's boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far
When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar
God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan
Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far.
You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell.
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary'
Cause I've got my Virgin Mary,
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell.
Rain and Snow are not an issue
long as I got my plastic Vishnu
Sittin on the dashboard of my car
When I'm goin' fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van
I don't care if I'm broke or starvin'
As long as I've got a fish named Darwin
Glued to the trunklid of my car
God, I'm feeling so evolved
Drivin' with my problems solved
Proclaiming what I think of what we are
Riding home one foggy night,
With my honey cuddled tight,
I missed a curve and off the road we veered.
My windshield got smashed-up good,
And my darling graced the hood.
Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared.
{As refrain}
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
No longer chides me with His holy grin.
Doctors in the X-ray room
Found Him in my darling's womb.
Someday, He'll be born again!
I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
He's the dude with the rusty nails,
Walks on water, don't need no sails
Riding on the dashboard of me car
I don't care if the night is scary
As long as I got the Virgin Mary
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.
She don't slip and she don't slide
Cuz her ass is magnetized
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.
And variants:
Plastic Jesus
misc_soundtrack (Cool Hand Luke)
The following are the definitive "Plastic Jesus" lyrics
and then some, from posting to alt.guitar.tab
last March - optional chords in parentheses :
C (C7)
Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
F
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
C D7
Riding on the dashboard of my car
C
Through all trials and tribulations,
F
We will travel every nation,
C G7 C
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
F C
cho: Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
C (D7) G7
Riding on the dashboard of my car
C (C7)
Through all trials and tribulations,
F (F#dim7)
We will travel every nation,
C G7 C
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
I don't care if it rains or freezes
's long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far.
I don't care if it's dark or scary,
Long as I have magnetic Mary,
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car,
I feel I'm protected amply,
I've got the whole damn Holy Family,
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell,
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary,
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell.
I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car
No, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car,
But I think he'll have to go,
His magnet ruins my radio,
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar.
Riding through the thoroughfare, with his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see, he just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus, riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par
When pedestrians try to cross I let them know whose boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town, trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right and I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far
When I'm in a traffic jam he don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear, for he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white, now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar
God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
>From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan;
Naughty Mary, smug and smiling,
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van;
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van.
When I'm goin' fornicatin'
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my ...
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my ...
Leering from the dashboard of my van.
If I weave around at night
And the police think I'm tight,
They'll never find my bottle, though they ask;
plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see--
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask.
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car:
Ride with me and have a dram,
Of the blood of the Lamb,
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's the complete set of "Plastic Jesus" lyrics
Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
cho: Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
I don't care if it rains or freezes
's long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far.
I don't care if it's dark or scary,
Long as I have magnetic Mary,
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car,
I feel I'm protected amply,
I've got the whole damn Holy Family,
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell,
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary,
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell.
I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car
No, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car,
But I think he'll have to go,
His magnet ruins my radio,
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar.
Riding through the thoroughfare, with his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see, he just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus, riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par
When pedestrians try to cross I let them know whose boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town, trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right and I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far
When I'm in a traffic jam he don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear, for he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white, now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar
God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan;
Naughty Mary, smug and smiling,
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van;
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van.
When I'm goin' fornicatin'
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my ...
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my ...
Leering from the dashboard of my van.
If I weave around at night
And the police think I'm tight,
They'll never find my bottle, though they ask;
plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see--
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask.
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car:
Ride with me and have a dram,
Of the blood of the Lamb,
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.
What about "Jesus walks" ? (I don´t know currently the name of the singer). This song is in the top 10 US Charts.
Jesus Was Way Cool.
By King Missile.
Jesus was way cool
Everybody liked Jesus
Everybody wanted to hang out with him
Anything he wanted to do, he did
He turned water into wine
And if he wanted to
He could have turned wheat into marijuana
Or sugar into cocaine
Or vitamin pills into amphetamines
He walked on the water
And swam on the land
He would tell these stories
And people would listen
He was really cool
If you were blind or lame
You just went to Jesus
And he would put his hands on you
And you would be healed
That's so cool
He could've played guitar better than Hendrix
He could've told the future
He could've baked the most delicious cake in the world
He could've scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky
He could've danced better than Barishnikov
Jesus could have been funnier than any comedian you can think of
Jesus was way cool
He told people to eat his body and drink his blood
That's so cool
Jesus was so cool
But then some people got jealous of how cool he was
So they killed him
But then he rose from the dead
He rose from the dead, danced around
Then went up to heaven
I mean, that's so cool
Jesus was way cool
No wonder there are so many Christians
Town Called Jesus
(Stephen Fearing /2001/© Fearing & Loathing Music)
Our founding fathers built this town
And they named it for God's Son
On Sundays, it was fine clothes for everyone
But on Mondays when the gloves came off
There was always hell to pay
On the other side of Jesus, nearly half a world away
you and me, we learned to sing
As soon as we could run
We left that town like buckshot from a gun
and we flew with our ambitions
and our faded black berets
To the other side of Jesus, nearly half a world away
Money comes and money goes like water through my hands
Money spills like blood upon the land
Money finds the sacred place and rolls the stone away
Concrete in the fields, and the Northern Lights are fading
And there's something I've been looking for
On every hungry street
Older than the stone beneath my feet
a secret, waiting for a kid
To dig it from the clay
On the other side of Jesus, nearly half a world away
Money comes and money goes like water through my hands
Money spills like blood upon the land
Money finds the sacred place and rolls the stone away
Concrete in the fields, and the Northern Lights are fading
And there's something I've been looking for
On every hungry street
Older than the stone beneath my feet
a secret, waiting for a kid
To dig it from the clay
Like the long lost bones of Jesus, nearly half a world away
On the other side of Jesus, nearly half a world away
Levon wears his war wound like a crown
He calls his child Jesus
'Cause he likes the name
And he sends him to the finest school in town
Levon, Levon likes his money
He makes a lot they say
Spends his days counting
In the garage by the motorway
He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas Day
When the New York Times said God is dead
And the war's begun
Alvin Tostig has a son today
And he shall be Levon
And he shall be a good man
And he shall be Levon
In tradition with the family plan
And he shall be Levon
And he shall be a good man
And he shall be Levon
Levon sells cartoon balloons in town
His family business thrives
Jesus blows up balloons all day
Sits on the porch swing watching them fly
And Jesus, he wants to go to Venus
leaving Levon far behind
Take a balloon and go sailing
While Levon, Levon slowly dies
He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas Day
When the New York Times said God is dead
And the war's begun
Alvin Tostig has a son today
Oh . . . not what you meant?
I think that's a fine Jesus song, Set.
You know, despite being aware of what the lyrics are telling us, whenever i hear: And Jesus, he wants to go to Venus . . ., i get this picture of old dude in a smelly wool robe, with dusty sandals and a distinctly Nordic, blue-eyed brunet beauty, heading up for the stratosphere, holding the string of one of Levon's cartoon baloons . . .
That's hilarious, Set. I have to say, one of my favourite Jesus-inspired moments on television was from Six Feet Under. The scene starts with two guys pumping helium into a crapload of blow-up sex dolls to be delivered to the Adult Film Awards ceremony as props. They hit a bump in the road and the dolls get cut loose, and start floating away. Meanwhile, a bible-thumping Christian lady with the bumper sticker "I brake for the Rapture" sees these 'souls' being taken to heaven. She stops the car in the middle of the road and runs into traffic, and then is, of course, hit by a car. Heh heh, now that's comedy.
Yes, I saw that too, Cav. I loved it!
Cav, i'll go look, but i believe that actually occurred in Alabama, except that the lady in questioned climbed out of sun roof of the caddy as they drove down the road. Some ol' boy was going to a mascarade as Jesus and brought the sex dolls dressed up as the apostles . . . i'll be right back . . .
It could very well be based on a true story. It had an odd air of familiarity about it.
This is from Snopes2.com:
This story is probably apocryphal (we could not find it in any of the Little Rock papers), but still worth reading.
A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eyewitnesses.
Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.
"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.
Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
Note: I've found one web site claiming that this story is indeed a complete fiction, http://www.snopes2.com/religion/rapture.htm. But most of us Freethinkers can think of some folks that could actually have suffered the fate of the poor believer described above, which is what makes it so funny. If any readers do ever drive down the highway with a truckload of helium-filled sex dummies, please email us and let us know how it goes.
Their idea was actually unoriginal . . .
Damn it, now I can't get "Levon" out of my head. Oh well, there are worse songs to be driven slowly insane by.
From breakthechain.org:
This is a work of fiction, created by Elroy Willis of Religion in the News. On his site, Mr. Willis explains that the story was "intended to make a mockery of the ridiculous idea of some rapture where people will supposedly float up into the sky to meet Jesus. How can anybody really believe such an absurd idea?"
Still, it's written convincingly enough that many have wondered it it was true. Is it an example of religious extremism gone awry? Could it be a candidate for a Darwin Award? Nope, it's just a joke. Sorry to disappoint you.
The idea may have been unoriginal, but as stated in the Snopes reference, it was still funny as hell.
