Fri 20 Mar, 2015 08:13 pm
I began cutting 2 years ago.
Its been another year, however this whole year was spent without self-harm.
I am doing better now, and have realized that my self-harming was a mistake.
Recently, I revealed to my friends that I used to self harm.
My friend had inquired why she had never seen the marks on my arms two years ago, when we were in the same gym class, and when I first began cutting.
I never answered.
That because I realized I never ''cut'' 2 years ago,
I ''cut'', 1 year ago.
It began with me taking scissors; I used to scratch the blades of the scissors across my arm, yet I never ''cut'' myself literally.
I would leave white, temporary lines (scratches) on my arm.
They would go away quickly; they were mere scratches.
The following year, I obtained possession of sharper tools. They were nail supplies that were sharp.
I would use those tools and drag it across my arms several times until I saw a slit.
It never bled; I just cut hard enough that it would become red, and I would be left with cuts that would go away.
And, although it felt as if I cut during the first year--I never did.
I realized that I had only left white scratches on my arm.
But, it really hurt during those times.
And the fact that I imposed pain directly on myself to hurt myself stands out as self-harm.
Yet, I am left with the question:
Was it self harm during the first year?
Was it cutting?
Or was it nothing this whole time?
I don't quite understand how to explain it to my friend.
I know it wasn't technically ''cutting'', because I never made an opening in my skin.
But I know that it wasn't just...''nothing''.
But maybe it is...
All I know is that I would attempt to hurt myself everyday during that first year.
And I failed--leaving me with greater pain; that I can't even cut myself; what can I do?
All I know is that I endured and suffered through a time of horror and the sole thing that would save me was ATTEMPTING to cut.
All I know is that I survived,
But what I don't know, is whether I cut, I self-harmed or whether I did nothing to my body, physically, during that first year, when I left mere marks on my skin...
So what is it?
What WAS it?
There could be many reasons why you have arrived at this state of affairs.
For some religionists, it is a form of self punishment, a way to relieve guilt. It may have other implications; but your reaching out to us shows you understand it to be injurious.
That being said, there is little more that we can offer on a2k besides sympathetic ears and our assurance that you are not alone. Most communities in the US have free access to professionals who can help you.
Despite the fact that you never drew blood, your actions are still considered both self harm and cutting. It does not matter whether your endeavors were successful, you had the intention of purposefully harming yourself. You knew what you were doing. And that is self harm. Any sharp object, even fingernails dragged across the skin purposefully to hurt yourself is cutting. I'm glad you've realized what a destructive habit it was. Stay strong. (Source: Experience)
Why do you feel you need to explain to ANYONE what was happening all that time ago?
That time does not define you NOW.
NOW you realize that whatever it was, it was not good for you.
It was a bad time for you, that's all. It is behind you. Don't look back.
The question you should be asking is why you are doing it. Self-harm, cutting, or Not. What is the purpose of it? How do you feel when you do it? What was running through your head when you do it? These are the questions that matter.
There may be an underlying mental health issue involved so I would suggest that you consult a clinician and discuss him your case. Also I strongly suggest that you stay away from sharp objects so as to avoid the urge of self-inflicting cuts.