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How do I move on after affair and go NC...(I messed up)

 
 
Reply Sat 7 Mar, 2015 04:03 am
I have been in affair with MM for 2 years.. we broke it off 2 months ago, as we both started to feel the guilt,. We have decided to be friends, as maybe somewhere deep down we didn't want to let it fully go... but since we have been friends it has became an emotional rollercoaster for me...

We used to use an app before to communicate, he said he will be there still for me but he is really busy with work so he may not be there everyday. But now for me it is like not knowing what to expect, I am constantly waiting for him to come online and if he doesn't i feel like he is trying to avoid me. I have so much insecurity inside of me about it all. Then when I ask him about why he wasn't in touch he tells me he was stormed with work and he couldn't come online or catch up with me in the office for a small chat... although I saw him hanging out with other colleagues elsewhere.

I am so heartbroken, as I still have feeling for him, so everytime I interact with him when he doesn’t show that care and attention that he used to when we were together, it hurts. It is not like I want to go back to the affair, but it is hard to accept the reality of being “just” friends, after we shared much more. It is like pretending that everything is ok, that I am fine with this arrangement but I AM NOT! I feel hurt.
We had a small argument about it online recently. I was coming back from my holidays and he said he will see me in the office for a catch up. He came online and told me he will try to see me later that day for a short break. He didn't and left home without saying a word. Next day when I confronted him about it he said he was frustrated with things at work and needed to get out. I bursted out and got angry, as he didn't even updated me and I waited. He then said he will be busy for next two weeks and indeed didin't get in touch at all for that long. I sent him an email saying that it is hard for me to be his friend, that I am still emotionally invested and I need to move on. That being in touch only sets me back...

He replied after few days saying that he still cares but he is so busy with work that he cannot even find time to himself. That I took it a wrong way and he is still available for me, just that things are crazy at his end...
He was a bit appologetic in his email, I felt bad and I replied... I so much felt NC would be the right way to go but I felt so weak and I replied again, I do care about him. I told him that I hope he can have some time to himself soon and that it looks like we are both blinded with our own agendas and it is hard to meet halfway. I wished him well and finished my email with " See you and take care Xx". Which I believe was the MOST STUPID last statement that I could make,. GOSH I WANT TO GO NC... why did I write " See you "???
I really feel NC would be the right way to go, but how to I fix the last statements? Does it sound like I am sending mixed signals? WHat shall I do so he knows my true intentions of the way how I want to move things forward and that we should depart ways?? Would another email sound reasonable or shall I just leave it at this point?? I just don't want him to think that I am keeping an open door, I want him to know that I am done...but my last email with "see you" at the end is not sending this message quite clearly... Please help..
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sat 7 Mar, 2015 05:31 am
@Alexis32,
If you want to go no contact, then go no contact.

You do not have to explain yourself to this guy. You owe him nothing.

Repeat this to yourself:

I OWE HIM NOTHING.

And maybe get some counseling. Find out why this is still bugging you. Get some internal resources, too, in order to be able to deal with this and move on.
Alexis32
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Mar, 2015 07:03 am
@jespah,
Thank you... I am just worried that he may get in touch with me as my last line was an "invite" really to further communication. That is what bugs me, that I don't want any further communication...
If he gets in touch next week (I have a feeling he might do)... do I just not reply and ignore or do I state my wishes more clearly this time?
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Mar, 2015 08:02 am
@Alexis32,
No contact means no contact. Don't reply for any reason.

Replying to tell him you aren't replying is just silly (and counterproductive). Ignore him and he will figure it out after a while. Any interaction with him just hurts you more.

Forget about him.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Mar, 2015 09:23 am
Never mind the NC, it's the BROKE OFF - that's what YOU need to understand.

HE owes you nothing.

Wake up. There's no such thing as "being friends" after an affair.

It's over. Don't look at your phone for a message from him.

Stop hanging on to "what ifs"; he's trying to avoid you and you keep bugging him for contact.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Mar, 2015 09:57 am
@Alexis32,
Block his calls and you won't have this problem.
0 Replies
 
Alexis32
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Mar, 2015 02:06 am
Thank you for answers, I guess NC makes the biggest sense...It is so hard though to go NC with someone that we have feelings for, but I have to start protecting myself and move on finally.
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Mar, 2015 10:42 am
@jespah,
What counseling? She is still in love and lying to herself.
What counseling???
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Thu 12 Mar, 2015 10:44 am
@Alexis32,
Stop lying to yourself first.
You aren't 'afraid' he might get in touch with you.
You want him to be in touch with you.
If you want too talk about affair - just do so, but if
you are going to lie to yourself - no one really cares.
Alexis32
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Mar, 2015 03:13 am
@Eliusa,
You have no idea what I am going through so stop assuming. Yes, maybe I am weak and this is the reason I am scared he may get in touch as I am scared I will be too weak to say no. This is the reason i need consuling, to learn how to build up the walls of healthy boundries again. I know this affair was wrong and i KNOW i need to move on away from it. I just struggle to do what is right for me and I please others instead. Yes, I do have feeling for him but I know I have to keep moving forward and forget about him. I am not lying to myself, I am trying to align what is best for my emotional health and future to what my heart wants.
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Fri 13 Mar, 2015 05:49 am
@Alexis32,
If this is true than just do not communicate. It is all comes to whether you will or not and you know just too well what you are doing. And it is ok I am not on position to judge. I just can't stand when adults playing children. You hurting yourself by not admitting it. To yourself...
0 Replies
 
 

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