Would you be willing to try one of those Japanese toilets that "squirts you clean?"

Have already.

You've never heard of a bidet?

You don't poop in a bidet. At least you're not supposed to. This is a "number-2 squirter" as part of a conventional toilet. That makes some people squeamish.

I used to live in Japan and had one of these. They've been common for decades - I think you can buy them here in Australia now. They usually have front and back wash and blow dry. You can see the seat is heated as well. My friend's toilet also had a clock and a radio.
I'm not sure why people would be squeamish about them - you don't have to use the bidet anyway.