1
   

Criticism please.

 
 
Glennn
 
Reply Mon 3 Nov, 2014 09:52 am
Old Boy Blue:

Old boy blue of many years
Who never shed his fear of tears,
Refused to share his life with friends,
And now's too late to try again.

For many years now, he's been blue,
And stopped believing dreams, it's true,
And can't look forward one more day
Without that touch of pain.

So far inside his mind he walks;
They're gone--no wife, no soothing talks,
And faces really loved by him now gone beyond that hill
Remain just teasing memories that come when night is still.

In places ghosts and shadows lurk;
The little school, the country church,
He strains to find what he has lost,
But learns that he must count the cost.

The kite, with love, his mother bought;
Not good enough--twas all for naught.
And little toy trucks, he now agrees,
Were broke so further hate could feed.
And now with no one left, he sees
There's no where left for him to flee.

He broke and broke; thought he was smart,
Breaking every lover's heart,
And so he died all through inside,
While through it all he never cried.
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Glennn
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Nov, 2014 10:04 am
Lycanthraholic:

One cold and frost moonlit night
Whilst feeling restless and full of spite,
I left my house, and over field
I chanced upon a bitter meal.

A dog had shown to challenge me;
She sensed my evil flowing free;
Attacked, but couldn't overcome;
She came too close; her neck was wrung.

Such foolish courage of mortal flesh,
Not satisfied with run and fetch.
At least her blood-stained corpse was spared
The sight of how her bones were bared.

Those cold and frosty moonlit nights
When I would spread that touch of fright
Kept family to their house, secure,
For such as me, there is no cure.

This is my prime,
I ask of friends
Their tears, their blood
Again and again.
0 Replies
 
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Nov, 2014 01:00 pm
@Glennn,
I've had a minimal attempt at improving the rhyme and scanning which I accept you might hate ! Smile

Old boy blue of many years
Who never shed his fear of tears,
Refused to share his life with friends,
And now's too late to make amends

For many years now, he's been blue,
And stopped believing dreams, it's true,
And can't look forward one more day
Or keep that touch of pain away

So far inside his mind he walks;
They're gone--no wife, no soothing talks,
And loving faces beyond that hill
Remain just memories when night is still.


In places ghosts and shadows lurk;
The little school, the country church,
He strains to find what he has lost,
But learns that he must count the cost.

The kite, with love, his mother bought;
Not good enough--twas all for naught.
And little toy trucks, he agrees,
Were broke so further hate could feed.


He broke and broke; thought he was smart,
Breaking every lover's heart,
And so he died all through inside,
While through it all he never cried.

Keep up the good work
http://able2know.org/topic/4549-1
Glennn
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Nov, 2014 05:59 pm
@fresco,
"And now's too late to make amends."

Amends is more in line with compensation or reparation. Who is the compensation directed toward? Old Boy Blue is the victim of his failure to share his life. No one else is the victim.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Nov, 2014 07:10 pm
Too late now to make amends.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Nov, 2014 07:13 pm
@PUNKEY,
I take it as ok.
0 Replies
 
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 01:06 am
@Glennn,
Note that the structural restraints of rhyming poetry tend to involve something of a compromise between phonetics and semantics.

NB Possible alternative....

So far inside his mind he walks;
They're gone--no wife, no soothing talks,
And loving faces beyond that hill
Remain to haunt when night is still.

.....which perhaps links better with the next verse.

hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 01:44 am
POETRY IS BACK AT A2K!

http://us.123rf.com/450wm/yayayoy/yayayoy1211/yayayoy121100036/16537110-emoticon-showing-thumb-up.jpg
0 Replies
 
Glennn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 07:12 am
@fresco,
Yes, "Remain to haunt when night is still" is good, and does tie in better with the next verse.

However, instead of "And loving faces," what about "And loving 'souls' . . ."? It would be one less syllable.

Also, I could get rid of the second verse altogether if it weren't for the feeling that I'd be lopping off a finger. :-)
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 09:07 am
@Glennn,
I agree with "souls".
Don't the second verse....it re-iterates "blue".
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 10:19 am
@fresco,
Sorry...edit

Don't drop the second verse....it re-iterates "blue".
Glennn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 04:33 pm
@fresco,
Yes, OK. Thanks for the criticism and the improvement. The second verse was clumsily constructed, and your recommendation/correction is appreciated.
0 Replies
 
Glennn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 04:37 pm
Also, though I know that length is not so important, is this too short. My meaning is clear, I think.

Innocent days when I at least
Resembled not so much the beast
Recede from me like memory
Like most of you; like most of me.
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 05:18 pm
@Glennn,
Quite clear. I suggest perhaps changing "at" to "then".
Glennn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Nov, 2014 06:37 pm
@fresco,
Excellent! But the second line must be adjusted. I will think on this.

Perhaps: Resembled such a hungry beast.

I was going to say "horrid" instead of "hungry," but I wasn't that bad . . . I guess. :-)
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Nov, 2014 12:48 am
@Glennn,
I would not change it because "the beast" has dark (evil) connotations which you might want to keep.

In poetry, several levels of meaning can be conveyed simultaneously. Note for example in Shakespeare's celebrated sonnet 18 (Shall I compare thee...), one line reads ...
Quote:
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st.

....the word lines can imply both "aging" and "lines of poetry".
http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/shall-i-compare-thee-summers-day-sonnet-18

( In my poem "The Wood and the Trees" I use the word stippled at three levels....visually, metaphorically and as onomatapoiea.)
0 Replies
 
 

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